SATURDAY 1STS vs.
ANSTY, 26th April
Lard Scratchy is as good as we could describe his knock
– 5 runs and a hundred times more yawns. Two tidy overs at a pointless time.
Tea was of reasonable standard but of insufficient quantity to feed 10 people,
let alone 22.
Herb A dashing 44 out of an opening stand of 49. They
insisted on dropping it short, he insisted on whacking it for 4. Provided
comical piece of juggling when dropping a chance at fine leg – eliminating
himself from the Fielding Cup on the first day of the season.
Papa Barker Three big hits, three boundaries, then one
big yahoo and goodnight.
Ben Dover Strangely muted at the crease, exercising his trademark
off-side waft-and-miss stroke. Looked to be getting off the mark when turning
one for a single, as he overtook Christian running in the other direction was
shocked to then see Pikey run back from where he came. Stranded, run out, for a
duck, welcome back.
Muzza Another season, another duck. Claimed he was bowled off
his pads, but the ball did still hit his stumps we believe. Failed to move his
fielding zone sufficiently as the ball smacked him in the side of the head,
fielding 3 yards away from the bat.
Pike Wobbled it around nicely and was pretty tidy. Which
was better than his running between the wickets (see Ben Dover).
Vorster Just awesome batsman when they can’t land it on the
strip. When they know which way to hold the ball and can actually bowl
straight, kind of finds it more difficult. First half of a “pair” on the first
weekend of the season. Looking a bit over-priced at £4 in the Fantasy League.
Retchup Fared better with the ball than in corresponding fixture
last year, which wasn’t very difficult. Early wicket promised much, but
delivered little else. Has been trying to perfect his new “Hoggard” wrist
technique which means it either swings miles or “sits up and begs to be hit”.
Mostly latter today.
Gazza Two splendid boundaries in majestic style, which
involved more movement than during entire fielding session.
Andy White He returns to the side – we make no accusations of nepotism.
Provided one of the day’s highlights with his talkative son – a new Ron Johnson
has arrived.
Bob White New skipper – same results as last year. Will he bat at 11
all year? What happens if and when Willy comes back into the side? What a great
battle for the number 11 spot it will be.
STAPLEFIELD 123-9 (Shrubb 44)
ANSTY 124-3
LOST BY 7 WICKETS
SUNDAY XI vs.
NUTHURST, 27th April
Skelly Hung around for
a while in a most un-Biffa like manner, then managed to run himself out.
Bizarrely gave the skipper a lecture on the rudiments of sensible batting and
the importance of knowing where your middle stump is – you work it out.
Van Brad Stupidly spent the
previous week on a boat on the Norfolk Broads, looking at – well, lots and lots
of ducks. Spent all Sunday afternoon looking at – well, lots and lots of ducks.
Hibbe Jr Quack
Brutal Quack
Zim Quack (2nd
of the weekend – what a start to the season!)
Pike Quack
Night Nurse Made his Staplefield
debut and top scored with 18. Must have wondered what on earth he’d got himself
into, then bizarrely paid his membership subs in the pub afterwards. Even
stranger, his mate Simon Kvalheim, hereafter known as Tony Coleman the 2nd,
having watched the carnage also paid his annual subs. Weirdo’s.
Diana Quack
Sir Lionel Showed his class
by dancing down the track and spanking a couple of lovely fours
Bubbles Quack
Nabob Carried his bat
for what’s sure to be plenty of 0*’s. A safe bet for the most not outs in the
Twenty20.
Skelly run
out 5
Van Brad ct 6
Hibbe Jr b 0
Brutal ct 0
Zim b 0
Pike lbw 0
Night Nurse ct 18
Diana ct 0
Sir Lionel b 9
Bubbles b 0
Nabob n
o 0
Extras 1
Nuthurst 39-0 won by 10 wickets
Pike 4-0-20-0
Nabob 3-0-15-0
Zim 0.2-0-4-0
However, a subsequent re-totalling
of the Staplefield score revealed we actually made 39, therefore under the
Bradbury-Bacon method, this match is a tie. We then came perilously close to
winning the beer match, needing a 4 off the last ball to win – unfortunately Tits was facing.
SATURDAY 1STS vs.
HURSTPIERPOINT, 3rd May
Match
Highlights: -
·
Their openers
blazing away at the start of the game
·
Zim throwing
off the mantle of the Fielding Cup Curse – by actually snaffling 2 catches
·
Andy White
dropping a couple at cow corner
·
The increasing
exasperation of the bowler – the unlikely form of Lady Boycs
·
Said bowler
being “carted” around the Common
·
The introduction
of James Nesbitt as a Staplefield Player – on release from his Cold Feet
contract
·
Pikey bowling 8
overs for 17 in a limited overs match
·
Tom having a
“return” spell far better than his first – but still pretty average
·
Leapy Lee
diving head first at batsman, stumps and anything else in the way for final
wicket run out
·
Skipper’s
amazing decision to open with Mickey and Pete Brad in a run chase
·
Pete Brad
running himself out for the 125th time in his career
·
Papa Barker
scoring his age (49) in a classic piece of jug evasion
·
Jason Moores /
Nesbitt looking ok ‘til he got himself out (dolly catch)
·
Zim avoiding a
duck!!
·
Zim also
launching 2 balls into the bushes for six
·
Yet another
Barker family running calamity – and as always its Tom that was run out – its
just like runnig on tour
·
Tom’s run out
being his third consecutive run out in the Cup in three seasons
·
Shrubby
launching a counter-attack that nearly won us the match
·
Shrubby’s face
of exasperation as he fell for the “3 card trick” of their donkey bowler – just
when we were on the verge of clinching a famous victory
·
Pikey’s
attempts to edge their opener through the slips for one complete over – missing
it each time
·
Gazza’s frantic
last-ditch attempts to run out his skipper
HURSTPIERPOINT 166 all out
Tom Barker 4-45
STAPLEFIELD
LEE ct b Coleman 6
BRADBURY Run
Out 5
S BARKER ct b Lewis 49
MOORES ct b M Parsons 7
VORSTER lbw b Lewis 16
T BARKER Run
Out 1
SHRUBB ct b D Parsons 44
C THREADER b
Green 13
A WHITE b
Green 3
IRELAND Not
Out 4
B WHITE Not
Out 2
EXTRAS 11
TOTAL 160-9
HURSTPIERPOINT WON BY 6 RUNS
SUNDAY XI vs. HENFIELD, 4th May
Having been
completely stuffed by Henfield last season, we were overjoyed to find that
their left-handed opener who got a ton in no time last year (then C&B by
Hibbe Snr with his 1st ball of last season) wasn’t playing. However
this was short-lived as they introduced us to their overseas professional. At
first we thought this was a wind-up, however it’s actually true and Henfield do
indeed have an Aussie pro called Garcia? who plays grade cricket back in Oz.
We’ve got Zim though….and maybe if we offered Grig Condom a fiver a game, he
might return?
We won the
toss and elected to field. This looked a bad decision after a while as Pike and
Zim took plenty of stick. Then Tits revealed his new secret weapon, the
all-rounder formerly known as Brutal. Having impressed with his bowling in the
beer match against Huthurst the previous week, Juggy made quick inroads, his 3
wickets reducing Henfield to 70 for 5. Enter Senor Garcia and they eventually
finished on 179 for 5, which looked a par score for the track.
With Biffa
holidaying on Skeletor Island, skipper Van Brad opted for a new opening
partnership of himself and Papa Barker, and they produced an opening stand of
56 before Tits was out as usual caught at mid-off. With Zim promoted to 3, the
score quickly moved along past 100 so that we only needed 70-odd off the last
18. Re-enter Senor Garcia and Singh, a new Henfield recruit from Hurst College
who could probably teach the Rev a thing or two about sustained, quick,
accurate bowling. He took 6 for 26 off 15 and the Oz-Pro 3 for 18 off 9, as
Pike, Hibbe Jr and Diana all got their 2nd consecutive Sunday ducks.
Buckets had
been brought in to stiffen the middle order, the result? You’ve guessed,
another duck. Finally, Pike and Nabob kept it in the family by nonchalantly
batting out the last 2.3 overs for a draw. So things are looking up – only 4
ducks this week.
Pike 11-0-43-1
Zim 10-1-50-1
Brutal 4 -0-13-3
Nabob 10-3-36-0
Gaz 2 -0-9 -0
Hibbe Jr 2 -0-14-0
Papa B 3 -0-12-0
Van Brad ct
mid-off 28
Watford b 34
Zim b 44
Brutal b 0
Hibbe Jr ct behind 0
Bandy ct 0
Diana ct behind 0
Bubbles b 9
Gaz b 3
Pike n
o 0
Nabob n
o 2
Extras 19
Match Drawn
SATURDAY 1STS vs.
SMALLFIELD, 10th May
Lee An innings of two halves – first part was as
dreary, drudgery-full, boring and insomnia-crushing as he has ever been. In the
second half he edged, sliced, mis-pulled and edged some more his way to a
hundred with a passage of
never-seen-before-and-never-to-be-seen-again-brutality. Then took 3 catches. If
he’d done the lottery he would be a millionaire by now.
Murds A welcome return to the side – marked by a blinding
one-handed catch at slip. Started to play straight but a wild yahoo ended his
fun.
Papa Barker 50 years of age today. Still picking the gaps for fun. Roared
ahead of batting partner (Lee) but was so shocked to be overtaken he got
himself bowled – to spoil a great birthday. Even bought a few drinks at the end
of it all.
Vorster Sat on his backside for 2 hours – waiting to inflict
absolute carnage on a rather ropey bowling attack. Walked out to the wicket
with a purposeful stride. Took in the scene. Took guard. Awaited his first
delivery. Spooned it straight to cover – first ball duck.
Muzza Sat on his backside for 2 hours – and then was
relegated in the batting order by the skipper. Thankfully avoided a duck and
ran well for his flagging partner. Very little went into his zone when fielding
– as per usual.
Shrubb Didn’t bat. Didn’t umpire, as was sat on his backside
for 2 hours waiting to pad up. Tasty bowling spell which they struggled to handle
– they have a strange psychological barrier with this man. They’ve obviously
never been on tour with him before.
Threader Jnr Actually came out to do some umpiring. A first since 1998.
Having exhausted all means of trying to get the scorebook off Frank, and
putting his pads on 2 hours early. Wobbly bowling reaped little reward other
than one of their left-handers.
Barker Jnr Despite his pops hitting a birthday ceiling, he ran in quite
sprightly, having abandoned the ridiculous Hoggard grip. Successfully avoided
scoring, umpiring, batting, moving, fielding, running, catching …..
Pugh Threatened
to blind the batsmen from mid off with his growing grey flash at the temples.
Scored quite brilliantly, then got to bowl one over at the death. Thanks for
turning up.
A White A blinding tea of monumental proportions and of
monumental expense. Please let him do it every week – if he can afford it.
B White Decent umpiring stint, and a nifty catch behind. That’s
all a captain has to do isn’t it?
STAPLEFIELD
223-3
(Lee 106
not out, S Barker 88)
SMALLFIELD
96 all out
(Shrubb
3-6, T Barker 3-24)
STAPLEFIELD
WON BY 127 RUNS – TOP OF THE LEAGUE!!
SUNDAY XI vs.
POYNINGS, 11th May
Biffa Showed what a waste of time
holidays are by notching another single figure score and bowling 6-0-47-0
including 8 wides. Playing for Haywards Heath III’s on Saturdays this year –
write and tell the editor of Staple Diet why you think this is, we’ll give a
prize for the best reply.
Zim Managed to persuade Cap’n Van
Brad to let him open both batting and bowling. Looking poor fantasy value at £4
so far with 2 ducks already this season and going for 64 off 8 overs including
3 sixes, however managed to balance the books by hitting 3 sixes himself.
Night Nurse Showed himself to be a valuable asset to
the club by scoring 29 and taking 3 for 41. According to Frankie, showed
himself to be an even more valuable asset to the club by paying his subs on day
one.
Simon Kvalheim aka Tony Coleman the
2nd
Another valuable
asset according to Frank the Spank. Bizarrely ran himself out by refusing to
ground his bat then blamed his new pads. The only duck today. Took a juggling
catch a deep point.
Brutal At least avoided the dreaded 3rd
duck in a row. Briefly promised all his fans with one 6 then caught in the
deep. Refused to renew his all-rounder status claiming a stiff back. It can
only get better Ray.
Hibbe Jr Another who avoided the dreaded 3rd
duck in a row. Scored a classy 11 then as usual bowled by a perfectly straight
ball. May be making a play for the coveted all-rounders role, took 2 for 44 off
6.
Francisco Rossi The 3rd to avoid a 3rd
duck in a row with a series of carefully judged singles – six to be precise. No
Dave, that doesn’t equal an extra 20 points.
Van Brad Agreed to play in the rain – stupid
boy. Hid himself down the order in shame. Managed to leave the score book in
The Victory. Pants.
Gaz Spanked for 27 off 2 overs.
Managed 2 in reply. Just into positive fantasy points today, job done, mine’s a
large tea please.
Bubbles Persuaded to keep wicket and acquitted
himself very well, took a good catch (unfortunately it was their opener who had
made a ton by this time) and only conceded 5 byes. Top banana.
Pike Whinged about being number 11
and proved his point by spanking a good 15 off their slow bowlers, but it’s
kind of in the family isn’t it? Bowled a good tight spell, 1 for 28 off 9.
Driving a red pick-up this season, could show Hibbe Jr a thing or two about
pick-up.
POYNINGS
271-8 off 40 overs
(Moores
3-41)
STAPLEFIELD
117 all out
(Vorster
30, Moores 29)
POYNINGS
WON BY 154 RUNS
SUNDAY XI vs.
BALCOMBE, 18th May
Turncoat
Bacon – Cliff arrived fresh from his Saturday exploits playing
for Haywards Heath III’s, the bloody
turncoat. Bizarrely enough, the
Balcombe skipper had done exactly the same, which added a nice spice to the
game. But who would come out on top?
Lets just say that Cliff was caught by his Haywards Heath pal for naught
and leave it at that shall we? Oh, and he kept wicket and conceded loads of
byes. What is it about our Sunday wicket keepers and loads of byes? His duck
& crap wicket keeping cost us the match.
(Incidentally, he crashed his car after the match as well – he’s had
better days.)
Captain
Bradbury – Lost the toss but was man enough as Captain to open the
innings. Played nicely for 19 whilst
batting partners came and went around him and was eventually caught by a pretty
decent effort by a Balcombe pensioner.
Had his afternoon tea nicked by Splasher Shrubb. In the field he captained poorly by not
bowling his main weapons (Vorster & Hibberdette) at an earlier stage. These poor decisions cost us the match.
Splasher
Shrubb – What a waste of space.
Supposed to be able to score runs on a Sunday and then went out and got
a duck. Spent the remainder of the
innings sulking and umpiring and stealing other peoples tea. Bowled 4 overs and yes, you guessed it,
didn’t take a wicket. His duck &
crap bowling cost us the match.
Zim – Batting
sensation my arse. Hit 8 runs, including the Jason Vorster signature 6, but
then played the worst shot in the history of the game and got bowled. Spent the remainder of the innings skulking
around and prattling on about how he shouldn’t have played the worst shot in
the history of the game. Bowled pretty
well though and took blinding caught & bowled to remove their danger
man. His poor batting cost us the
match.
Brutal Ray – Back to
his sublime & brutal best now that he has got used to his react-a-lite
specs. Batting in sun-glasses is
clearly the way forward for Ray as he carted the Balcombe attack to all parts
saving the blushes of his team mates. Failed
to push on to make a century though and this cost us the match.
Buckets Bob – Bob’s
new £450 bat was on debut and the Saturday skip used it to good effect
caressing and timing the ball beautifully in a competent partnership with
Brutal Ray in the middle order.
However, he came unstuck when trying to push the run rate along and this
cost us the match.
Hibberdette –
Demonstrated a clutch of classy off side drives alongside a clutch of not so
classy wafts outside off stump. Looks
pretty as a picture at the crease, but a bit too much like Prince William after
a rough night for our liking. Came on
to bowl at the death and took a wicket.
This solitary wicket wasn’t enough and cost us the match.
Jason
Moores – Able to concentrate more fully on his cricket now that he
has finished filming Cold Feet. Batted
lower down the order than he would normally like, but sneaked in a nice little
‘not out’ to help the averages. Opened
the bowling and saw his healthy servings of rank long hops disappear into the
next field. His poor length bowling
cost us the match.
Pike – Batted
in an Australian Cricket Board cap.
Stupid boy. Looked as composed
as anybody whilst batting and was unlucky to be stumped in a freak
dismissal. When fielding, got himself
caked in mud sliding to save a ball on the boundary. He didn’t save the ball from crossing the boundary though. His mum will kill him when she’s sees the
state of his whites. Bowled really
well, until he got hit for a 4. Then got
hit for a 6. Then a few more 4’s &
6’s. This cost us the match.
Bubbles
Cooper – His instructions from the skipper were “Go and give it a
whack” …. yeah, like Bubbles can bat any other way. How he managed to avoid another duck is anyone’s guess. Still not as good as his sister (and that’s
in every department). His failure to be
anywhere near as good as Liz cost us the match.
Orange Tony – The
batting hyena claims a tidy little ‘not out’ with a brief cameo at the end of
our innings but perhaps saved his crowning moment whilst he was fielding
preventing a sure boundary by using Wayne Sleep style footwork to make the stop. Ruined the moment by peeling away and
performing a ‘Mick Channon salute’ in celebration of his feat. He bowled like a tall turkey and this cost
us the match.
(Ray Funnell 85)
(Vorster 2-12)
SATURDAY 2NDS vs. DITCHLING STROLLERS, 24th May
Scab Boy Picked
off 10 quite mediocre runs before holing out in usual mediocre fashion. Completely outmanoeuvred by opposing big
hitter who turned up with 17.5lb bat.
Usual fielding return just failed to break all of Bubbles’ fingers.
Polly Pocket Joined
Turncoat Bacon in making runs look “hard to come by”. Well they were when you were out there. 4. Biggest contribution
involved climbing through changing room window to retrieve scoreboard. Joined in said changing room by two young
boys. Enough said.
Leek Lark Announced
new “positive approach to batting”.
Played similarly to last year scrambling 14. Nobody looked particularly flabbergasted. There’s always next year.
Windy Fantastic
batting display led to first 2nd XI 50 of the year. Fell shortly after realising that the ‘jug’
rule would be imposed. Two big sixes
helped fantasy points. Annoyed those
having to rip through hedgerows every other over to find balls. Only called on to bowl single over before
game was wrapped up.
Golden Arm Jug-avoiding
48 filled with fortunate hoiks into gaps.
Counted for the first time ever and calculated he was on 42. Pity the children at that school. 2 ball, 2 wicket spell to finish off tail
was a welcome return for Golden Arm.
Fuller Even
more disgraceful jug-avoiding 49.
Followed this with appallingly inept bowling display taking
nothing. One massive edge heard by all
but the umpire and batsmen would have helped, but didn’t.
Bubbles Smashed
2 sixes, one over the road into the adjoining field, on his way to 14. Finally succumbed to another slow full toss,
allowing it to trundle into his stumps.
Took three catches and looked above average with the gloves on.
Big Cooper Bowled
first ball so he could he could spend more time with Sheila. Gave bowler chance to get hat-trick with
Revin up to the crease. Played in all
sorts of slip positions when fielding without getting near a catch.
Sir Lionel Faced
hat-trick with usual bravado. Placed
both pads in front of stumps, danced and waved his bat around. Managed to hit it though. Drove fabulous 4 through extra cover to
utter surprise of everyone who knew him.
Picked up two middle order wickets and captaincy was faultless.
Threadbear Faced
average bowler first ball. More of a
problem was facing the Scab umpiring in front of him. “Don’t let it hit your pads!”
Stupid boy. Out for a disputed
Golden Duck. Fantastic bowling spell
into the wind destroyed oppo higher order picking up 4 quality wickets.
Badger Faced
single ball and did nothing with it.
Solitary wicket couldn’t spice up this report. Spent most of the afternoon cleaning the BBQ. Like that’s going to help prevent us
poisoning all comers at the Fete.
STAPLEFIELD
225 all out
Miller 51, Fuller 49, P Shrubb 48
DITCHLING
STROLLERS 113 all out
C Threader 4-15
STAPLEFIELD
2NDS WON BY 112 RUNS
SUNDAY XI vs. LINDFIELD, 25th May
Match Highlights: -
Skeletor 63
M Shrubb 2-31
SATURDAY 1STS VS. COPTHORNE, 31st May
Player
|
Moments of Shame |
Moments of Acclaim |
|
Mick Lee |
Wore a
pair of dodgy wet suit rubber slip on pumps normally reserved for gay
cyclists. |
Match
winning 61 n.o. right from the word go. Kept his wicket whilst all those
around him lost theirs. The more the oppo wound him up, the better he got. |
|
Pete Bradbury |
Batted
like a baffoon for the short period he spent at the crease. |
None to
report. |
|
Martin Murray |
Spent
most of their innings at 1st slip watching the low bounce, then
decides to leave a straight one when he’s batting. Result: Bowled for a
golden duck again. |
None to
report. |
|
Bob Fuller |
Whacked a
legside full toss straight into the stomach of the square leg fielder for a duck. |
Bowled
expertly to mop up the Copthorne tail and fully deserved his 4 wickets. |
|
Jason Vorster |
Gave his
wicket up cheaply at a time of crisis. |
Bowled
tidily and picked up a couple of wickets. Also blatted his signature 6 off
his 2nd ball faced. |
|
Mark Shrubb |
More
baffoonery with the bat as he added a new method of getting out to his
repertoire by smashing up the stumps with his bat. |
Miserly
bowling spell and a smart catch at point. |
|
Andy White |
Dropped
another sitter to add to his ever growing collection. Where was Andy when God
was handing out buckets to the White family? |
Swatted a
couple of 4’s which cheered up the Staplefield faithful. |
|
Christian Threader |
None to
report. |
Top
bowling of Gladiator proportions coupled with heroics with the bat made it a
day to remember for Pikey the Wonderkid. |
|
Bob White |
Won the
toss and elected to field in the searing heat. Mystifying. Conceded record
number of byes for the season so far. |
Was
prepared to suffer internal bleeding within his bionic body to prevent even
more byes being conceded. |
|
Neil Murdoch |
Another 1
handed spectacular slip catch to add to the collection. |
Feigned
injury so as to avoid batting in a pressure position. |
SATURDAY 2NDS vs. BRIGHTON & HOVE 8THS, 31st May
Pocket Continued
the openers tradition of being completely rubbish, and got himself out for a
duck. Always easy to say what you
should have done once you’re out.
Shouldn’t have bothered turning up we thought. Bowling proved this thought correct.
Birdy Promising
with the bat. Very wide with the
ball. Very much a 2nd team
player with a bright future. Not
expected to be seen again.
Windy Picked
up 2 wickets in long opening spell.
Followed with another promising batting display before getting out for
17. Rolled up sleeves for extra tanning
against team advice. Would have been
the 2nd gayest member of the Village People.
GoldenArm Boundarytastic
36 before being bowled swinging at a straight one while watching the birds fly
overhead. Another inexpensive bowling
display shocked everyone again.
Cooper Another batsmen to get bowled, not
for the first time and certainly not for the last, for 8 runs. Still not being used as a bowler by the
skipper. Then again, anyone who has seen
him bowl would understand.
Rev Chipped
in with a solid 22 including 3 cultured boundaries. Changed the field like he was playing for a deaf team. Well, if he did speak, no-one listened to
him.
Pugh Fantastic
opening spell of 12 overs, previously unseen in 2nd XI cricket, with
some very tight balls. No wickets
though. Then bowled for a Golden Duck
to the delight of everyone.
Ed Looked
particularly uncomfortable at the crease and completely missed the meaning of a
“run chase”. Managed one 4 after
numerous attempts. Even opposition
attempts at grenades made no impact.
Picked up solitary wicket mixed in with 6 widest deliveries of the day.