“YOU’VE
ONLY GOT 8? OH, WELL, OK WE’LL BAT FIRST THEN” – Revvin
SATURDAY 2NDS vs. TURNERS HILL, 9th August
Windy
- regaled us with stories of a 99 and 116 tally for another
team – BORING – but we certainly weren’t entertained today. Caught for 23…
still, he was heard to say “Lets bowl these f***ers out!” and got a couple of
early wickets which set the mood nicely.
Griff
- promoted to number 2 this week, played his usual two
scoring shots in his usual style, then caught on a heave-ho attempt. Too much
influence from his opening partner could be in evidence…
Bazza
- the distinct lack
of action on the internet dating front could be a major influence on his lack
of concentration at the crease. Two scoring shots, 10 runs, straight ball, off
he walks. Get that PC warmed up baby!
Oram
– must be sleeping
with the skipper to claim the number 4 spot. Also must be very good, because he
was bowled for a golden duck. D’OH!
Andy Thomas
– claimed he hadn’t
played for ‘years’, but the fact he held the innings together belied the truth.
It was overdue for one of Revvins stand-ins to be a ringer! Steady 17 and the
longest in the middle kept us in the game.
Revvin
– failure to make a
boundary from his classic ‘prone’ position must have unsettled the skipper
today… or maybe 43 pints of Stella a day really does effect his play
occasionally?? Nah, it was just hot. Stupid suggestion.
Bubbles
– nobody was quite
sure it happened and it’ll be a Staplefield myth within a couple of weeks, but
a match saving 44? Amazed? So was everyone else. Nearly broke his 50 virginity,
but it’ll have to wait for another day…
W*nk Manager
– another
unbelievable sight… the Mutant Hair Monster followed Bubbs and smashed a match
saving 40 not out! Shame he ran out of partners, because he could have been
another to lose his 50 virginity.
Davross
– clearly interested
in doing nothing towards the team effort on the field, but at least his
coaching was right on cue: “Keep you’re heeeed up!” was the cry at 53 for 5…
and they listened. Respect.
Pearly
– another 0 not out
(is he in your 20Twenty selection?), but what about his bowling? It’s a lesson
in excellence: 4 wickets and the game was as good as finished. Literally. They
only had 8 players to start with, so Winnie simply ran out of fodder!
Staplefield 163 all out
(Cooper 44, Pugh 40*)
Turners Hill 52 all out
Scott 8 – 2 – 4 – 36
Miller 6 – 5 – 2 – 2
Staplefield
won by 111 runs
SATURDAY 1STS vs. ROFFEY 3RDS, 16th August
Boycs Carried bat with 77
(bored). Did actually go at a decent rate when began to run out of partners
(see below). Skippered and declined to bowl himself.
Squeal rating - 3 – Yeah, Ladyboy!
Shrubb Snr Opening spell for a change with the
absence of Pike at a ‘yoof’ concert. Apparently a new beat combo called the ‘Rolling
Stones’ may have been performing. Then grazed in outfield with various
‘twinges’. These not evident when made quickfire 8 opening innings until clean
bowled.
Squeal rating
- 8 - Yee-hah!
Fuller, R Insisting in official
communiqués with Roger Collins that he is called ‘Robert’ rather than Bob. Bob
was installed as new ‘death bowler’ taking 3 wickets but also getting carted.
Was ‘disappointed’ with lbw decision from Tom (not the first or the last to
feel this way).
Squeal rating
– 2 – no relationship with his bro
Moorman Supreme confidence of skipper in
Revvin who announced his arrival at the crease with a spanked 4 through the off
side. Dramatic 17 runs ensued, 2nd top scorer on the day.
Squeal rating
– 7 - Redneck
Miller Squeal baby. Long bowling
spell with a couple of wickets. Showed it’s a big step up to the big leagues
with 5 runs. Deliverance would be his tour music, no doubts.
Squeal rating
– 10 – Bend and brace yourself!
Vorster We just need one of the
middle order to get in and make some runs in support of the skipper. Zim
strides out. He looks determined to make a few. Second ball, clean bowled for a
duck. Was taken off by skipper immediately after bowling 3 overs and taking a
wicket, never to return.
Squeal rating
– 7 – Afrikaaner Boy!
Cooper Squeal like a piggie. Managed
to avoid the blob with an appropriate single. Arrived 20 minutes late for the
game after late-night / early-morning shagging performance, presumably using a
blob.
Squeal rating
– 10 – Oink, oink
T Barker Talk to me, boy. Non-fer once
again. Turning circle now expanded to 12 metres. Looked most secure with the
bat, until blobbed one up for a duck. Thanks for coming, go home.
Squeal rating
– 2 – Too wide to be abused
Gazza Squeal, piggie. Spectacular
in the field, including a great catch
off Winnie when he had to run to it. Most disappointed Liz wasn’t playing as he
searched for a hug. No takers. Quack with the bat.
Squeal rating
– 6 – Beat me, teacher
Davross Squeal for your mama, boy.
Their opener returned, expecting to ‘mop up the tail’ at the arrival of Dave.
Heed doon. He nicks one flying past the keeper for 4. Sheeeet. Nurdles another
few runs. Heed doon. Slashes another one for 4. Och aye. Their skipper gets
furious but just cannot get the ‘Rock of the Nets’ out. Heed doon. Eventually
dismissed for an epic 12 runs of massive nuisance value.
Squeal rating
– 9 – Ochhhh, sheeeeet
Winnie Squeal for your dinner,
little piggie. Epic fielding performance where did not touch the ball for over
2 ½ hours. Devastating bowling spell, with their batsmen repeatedly complaining
about how much his deliveries (like his breasts) wobbled in the air. Frustrated
oppo with bat for several overs, before succumbing for his standard duck.
Squeal rating
– 9 – Get ready, little piggie
SATURDAY 2NDS vs. WG GRACEFULLY, 23rd August
Windy Opened bowling and batting
much to the disgust of all. Then bagged
4 wickets and hit a 50. We would have
done the same given the chance. Got
ar*y with oppo batsmen after he failed to walk from thick outside edge. Proceeded to wind one in short, hitting
batsman in temple. Hardly going to kill
him at that pace though.
Ed Peters Off white trousers reminiscent of
the sacred Ed Parker. Legged it around
the field covering for the laziest fielding side for years. You should never field near Winston and his
dodgy groin. Took a catch then
entertained team with 1st duck of the day.
The Judge Almost shared a 50 partnership for
the 2nd wicket before being bowled.
Drove down to the match without owning a provisional driving
licence. Teenagers today.
Tweety Contributed 9 runs to the
cause. Spent most of the fielding time
making sarcastic remarks to the batsman who didn’t walk. Well, he was a cheating little git, wasn’t
he?
Yule Took high catch to remove
opener in 2nd over. Failed
to snare a wicket in 12 overs and watched helplessly as both 2nd XI
cups were taken from a rather flimsy grasp.
Complained that he couldn’t see the ball. Batted like it as well for 11 runs.
Bubbles Took the catch that wasn’t
given. Kept wicket like he was still
drunk. Looked like he was still
drunk. Smelt like he was still drunk. Oh to be single again. Another to complain of “bad light”. Bowled.
8.
Moormanator Seemed strangely accustomed to the
dark. Probably through years of
drinking in late night bars in the Horsham area. Would probably play even better if engulfed in smoke. 21 runs to all parts of the leg side
boundary and they couldn’t stop him piercing the gaps.
Dance First ball clubbed for six,
but recovered to take 2 wickets and challenge for the bowling cup. Strange batting in a crisis though. Insisted on running(!) quick (!) singles and
allowing Davros, then Winston, to face the next 5 balls in the over. Ploy resulted in two wickets and Bazza
drop-kicking the helmet as we all walked off.
Unfortunately it was their helmet.
Ali New to the game, or
so it looked. Attempted to stop a waist
high cover drive with his feet. 2nd
XI expected to incorporate this style next season. Winston and Revvin almost there already.
Davros Played out the first four
balls like a Rock. Then got
bowled. Had the opportunity to act as a
runner for Winston. Got changed
instead.
Winston Pulled his groin during bowling
spell. Couldn’t run when batting so
oppo decided to award runs “on merit”.
First shot judged to be “2runs”.
Quality cricket. Got bowled
anyway. Took 8 minutes and 36 seconds
to get to pitch. We’d showered and gone
home before he’d walked off it.
WG
Gracefully 181 all out
(Miller
4-34, Dance 2-40)
Staplefield
151 all out
(Miller 57)
WG
Gracefully won by 30 runs
SATURDAY 1STS vs. HARTFIELD, 30th August
Final game of the season and once
again we are relieved not to be facing a relegation / promotion battle,
although Hartfield had to hope they won and Lingfield got thrashed by Poynings
to get promoted. Well, Lingfield obliged by getting stuffed, so it was up to us
to play up and play the game …..
Murdoch Promoted to
opener and lasted 4 balls. 2 nifty catches in unfamiliar position of point.
Runs
= 0. Wickets = 0. Catches = 2.
Kiwi The
Pride of Wellington didn’t even get a chance to bowl. No worries, he opens the
innings, the left-hand, right-hand combination obviously in Buckets’ mind.
Lasts only a couple of overs though.
Runs
= 6. Wickets = 0. Catches = 0.
Vorster The Pride
of the Veld. Ya Ma Sa Pus. Blasted 23 runs, including a maximum in nearby
field. Had them very worried until was caught for a change.
Runs
= 23. Wickets = 0. Catches = 0.
S Barker The Pride
of Ifield. A hat-trick of catches, including a good low one at slip, but not
off his son. 8 runs meant he could wave the batting cup goodbye.
Runs
= 8. Wickets = 0. Catches = 3.
M Lee The Pride
of MK. Hiding at number 5 in order to ‘cover’ batting cup challenger, Barker
Snr. Hid in the field as well, trying to keep out of trouble with nuptials on
horizon.
Runs
= 11. Wickets = 0. Catches = 0.
Moorman The Pride of
Pride Brewery. Threw away the lead in ‘most innings without a duck’ with a
spectacular golden. Scampering catch at mid on failed to make up for this.
Runs
= 0. Wickets = 0. Catches = 1.
Shrubb Snr The Pride of
Sands. Back to first change despite the disaster that is Barker Jnr’s league
season. Responded with 4 wickets at a tidy rate, in late bid for the bowling
cup, with Bob Fuller absent on dodgiest pitch of the season. One boundary, and
clipped one to short fine leg in the air. Gone.
Runs
= 4. Wickets = 4. Catches = 0.
Barker Jnr No Pride.
Yet another Non-fer. Only 2 league wickets in his last 11 matches. Ouch.
Managed to avoid the duck, but not much more.
Runs
= 1. Wickets = 0. Catches = 0.
White A Usual
mobility in the field – i.e. none. However, was sprightly when batting, and
wandered out of his crease (a la Dermott) to be stumped for a duck, effectively
sealing the ‘Tossers Plate’ Final for PB Tits at the expense of Shrubby. Not
amused.
Runs
= 0. Wickets = 0. Catches = 0.
Pikey Monster
bowling spell of 20 overs, with great reward of 6-33. He knew he had taken 7
wickets before though, and told us this. Also avoided the duck but made just
the single.
Runs
= 1. Wickets = 6. Catches = 0.
White R A couple
of nifty catches behind the timbers for the returning captain. He left for
Tobago with his team in mid-table, and returned to find us in the bottom 4.
Nice one. Another not out for the bionic one.
Runs
= 6. Wickets = 0. Catches = 2.
HARTFIELD 86 all out
(C Threader 6-33, M Shrubb 4-21)
STAPLEFIELD 66 all out
(Vorster 23)
HARTFIELD
WERE PROMOTED BY 6 POINTS THANKS TO OUR SPECTACULAR BATTING PERFORMANCE –
CHEERS!
“MARK
HURST ONCE HAD TO PULL MY FINGER OUT” – S Barker
SUNDAY XI vs. BURGESS HILL, 7th September
It was a
pleasant Sunday afternoon weather-wise, Bradders won the toss and elected to bat.
It was one of those games when runs and gay quotes flowed in equal measure ….
The child of Satan comfortably slipped into the role of
innings anchor man given the absence of Mick & Pikey and scored at a woeful
snail like pace. Hung around for a couple of hours for his 40 including 4 4’s,
2 6’s and 358 swing and misses. Kept telling Davros how great a bowler he
thought he was in the pub after the game. Gay talk.
Scratched
around for the 1st couple overs before unleashing a few boundaries,
scoring 60 out of opening partnership of 72. Absolutely distraught about
breaking his bat and the thought of having to spend £100+ on a new one. Dropped
a simple catch, dislocated his finger in the process and winced like a baby.
Poof.
Crafted 15
neat runs, including 2 boundaries using his new Peter Willey open stance. Well
groomed blonde hair, posh voice, soft rosey cheeks …. knob jockey.
Controversial. Did he get
a nick or did he scuff the turf?
Batsman Steve & Umpire Zim say scuff. Burgess Hill say nick.
Zim was called a f*****g cheat and Steve was called all sorts of nasty
names. But as Steve said, “do I look
bothered?”. He didn’t. Anyway, kind of
irrelevant as 5 runs later Steve holes out to deep long-on in an attempt to
increase the run rate. Was heard saying ‘Mark Hurst once had to pull my finger
out”. From where we ask? Bandit.
Packer (Greg Condon)
Ouzing class at the crease
with a selection of perfectly timed cuts and drives in his quick fire 36.
Unfortunate to be given out caught & bowled when it was dubious whether the
bowler actually had control of the ball before letting it slip from his grasp.
Even chipped in with a wicket when asked to bowl. Indulged in some rather odd
stretching exercises in the field. Camp.
Was quite clearly looking
after his own average before the good of the team by not thrashing out at the 1st
ball received (which was in the final over of our innings) but rather
disgustingly watched the ball gently through to the keeper. Then nurdled what
he claimed to be a “Caribbean style leg glance” to the fine leg boundary for 4.
Had temper tantrum in the field and bellowed out “Come on Staplefield this is
crap”. OooOOOoooh, get you nancy boy.
Chucked 6 overs and took 1
wicket. Convinced that we won the match because we scored more runs and took
more wickets than them. How queer.
Opened the
bowling and took a wicket which meant the most uncomfortable moment of the
match followed. How are you supposed to celebrate with a 15 year old girl? What
are you allowed and not allowed to do? Think about it. Lezzer.
Exterminated a batsman’s innings by taking a catch. Mincer.
WINDY FALLS
FLAT
SUNDAY XI vs. TURNERS HILL, 14th September
|
Name |
Bat |
Bowl |
Field |
Attitude |
Total/40 |
Comedy Moment |
|
Van Brad |
2 |
0 |
6 |
9 |
17 |
Prolonged discussion before game re tactics should he win
toss in 40-over match – only to lose toss in time match |
|
Van Biffa |
4 |
0 |
8 |
9 |
21 |
Keeping wicket in a helmet – standing back |
|
Van Hibberdette |
6 |
4 |
1 |
6 |
17 |
Usual fielding dive over the ball |
|
Van Packer 3 |
2 |
7 |
2 |
5 |
16 |
Wetting himself over Biffa’s very unfunny conscript
memoirs |
|
Van Zimmer |
4 |
1 |
3 |
1 |
9 |
Padding up in a panic after several quick wickets – could
have been timed out…. |
|
Van Dermott |
6 |
1 |
1 |
1 |
9 |
Dropping a sitter at short leg off Pikey |
|
Van Davross |
4 |
4 |
3 |
5 |
16 |
Shuffling those old pins apart to facilitate the passage
of the ball on its way to the boundary |
|
Van Boycs |
6 |
0 |
5 |
2 |
13 |
Did all the hard work against 2 excellent fast bowlers
before spooning a gentle full toss into the covers |
|
Van Pikey |
3 |
1 |
6 |
3 |
13 |
Spent the afternoon complaining about the presence of
pikeys on his football pitch “They’re bastards those pikeys” – couldn’t
understand why we were laughing |
|
Van Windy |
0 |
0 |
0 |
0 |
0 |
Falling flat on his back attempting a mighty Zim-style
slog – unable to move thereafter and had to call for his Pops to take him
home |
|
Van Moorman |
0 |
1 |
4 |
2 |
7 |
Failed to do anything amusing all afternoon |
|
Team Total/110 |
37 |
19 |
39 |
43 |
|
|
Lost by 9 wickets
SUNDAY XI vs. PALMERS, 21st September
At 9.10am Sunday morning we
still had the full compliment of players. By 9.15 we were down to 10. Pike
called Pete to explain that he was very sorry but he was round Willy’s house
laying some sod and if he didn’t get it down that day it would die, so won’t be
able to play. Another Threader classic.
Wouldn’t stop grumbling about his
poorly finger, the big girls blouse. Didn’t seem that bad when he administered
2 direct hit run outs though. Promoted from no.2 to no.1 in the batting order.
Looked to be a sound decision after the 1st ball of the innings was
despatched through mid-wicket for 4. Looked like an awful decision when he was
clean bowled the next over. Tangled the rope up after the game, which took 4
men 25 minutes to untangle. What was he doing?
Took a smart catch at gully
and was the best batsman on display. A
mature innings defying his tender and royal years. Blotted his copybook
slightly by running out the new boy, an event
which signalled the end of our match winning opportunities. Got into the
Staplefield spirit by goading his dad and calling him ‘Maurice’. Excellent. And
he bought a round in the pub. Excellent.
Was still suffering muscle
fatigue from bowling marathon 5 over spell last week and could only manage 4
this week. Can still generate a bit of pace though and picked up a smart caught
& bowled off their ‘danger man’ (this description was included at Greg’s
request). Looked good when batting until a freak grubber fooled the old timer.
Cracked some jokes in Latin in the pub after the game. Suffice to say, didn’t
get too many laughs.
Not
sure Zim was in the right frame of mind after his lover’s tiff with Windy the
previous week. Looked after the stumps for only the 2nd time in his
career and made a pretty good fist of it. Apparently he makes a pretty good
fist of some other things too …. just ask his ex. Didn’t quite have the timing
with the bat, but still managed to find the rope with a couple of lusty blows.
Apparently he’s had his fair share of lusty blows over the years …. just ask
his ex …. and Windy ….
Mark Floyer
Another
teacher encouraged into the bosom of Staplefield Cricket Club. Looks to be a
useful bowler and was unlucky not to get more than 1 wicket. Took an excellent
catch on the deep mid-wicket boundary off Bruce. Unfortunate start to his SCC
batting career, being run out by the over excitable Hibber Jnr. Was the only
person who understood Greg’s Latin gag in the pub ….. but then again, you’d
expect that from an Ardingly School Master.
Guided
the team safely home to a draw with a stubborn brick wall innings, punctuated with
the occasional flamboyant flay to the extra cover boundary. Highlight of Pete’s
day was receiving a text from Pike in the evening. It read something like, “I’m
so, so sorry for pulling out today, please, please, please forgive me and let
me play next week, I’ll even do the teas”. Surely the greatest gift Pike could
give us would be to not do the teas?
Devastated
that his son can now openly call him ‘Maurice’ without the threat of being
rolled over his father’s knee and given 6 of the best. It’s been a long time
since John has given out 6 of the best and his bowling figures will stand
testimony to that.
2 wickets and a catch
capped off a busy and expert display in the field. Still not allowed to change
with the rest of the team, just in case James Hegarlty or Frapper Bradbury turn
up. Completely embarrassed by her father’s Latin joke antics in the pub.
Tidiest bowling figures of the
day. Was disappointed not to be given a higher berth in the batting order as he
claims to be in the top quartile of SCC batsmen on recent form. He’s got a
case. Chimed in with his own Latin speak in retaliation to Greg’s outburst, but
no-one was listening.
Laid 20 square metres of turf and
sent a text message.
DOUBLE
TROUBLE FOR WEST BLATCHINGTON
SUNDAY XI vs. WEST BLATCHINGTON, 28th September
This was the team we beat on
the last ball earlier in the season and they were therefore top of everyone’s
list for a call if we had a spare fixture which we duly did. Optimism was
running high before the game as they turned up with only 9 men, however nerves
were even higher as the oppo skipper claimed to have a ‘lightning quick’
opening bowler up his sleeve.
Tits lost the toss as usual – it’s been a waste of time him
bothering to go out there this season – so we were in the field. Our aging
opening attack of Badger and Packer 3 whinged non-stop about their aches and
pains with Grig in particular dramatically clutching at his right shoulder
after every ball. Their replacements
weren’t much better with Splasher whining about his finger and Pikey about his
hangover whilst desperately trying to cling on to the bowling cup. Finally Zim,
the other contender for the bowling cup, Hibbe and Cricket Girl finished off
the innings as they were all out for 124.
In a desperate attempt to recover lost ground (boom boom)
from the Willy’s garden fiasco of the previous week, Pikey produced the tea
although the hand of Nabob was evident from the preponderance of Branston
pickle on the ham sandwiches, not to mention on the cheese sandwiches and on
the egg sandwiches, plus of course, on the pickle sandwiches. Meanwhile
Skeletor and Hibberdette desperately tried to whinge and whine their way out of
opening the batting to no avail.
Duly helmeted, they marched out in trepidation to face the
lightning quick, only to find he was first change and no more than brisk
medium. An opening stand of 63 had the only moment of controversy when Little
Hibberd was caught behind, refused to walk and had to be fingered by Pike. This
was followed by a 4th wicket stand of 34 between Grig and Davross,
who celebrated his promotion up the order with a brave 2 off 24 balls. Finally
Van Brad marched out into the middle (to cries of “Run him out Grig”) to hit
the winning run – his only contribution to the entire game. Afterwards in the Tanners,
no-one could remember the last time we did the double over someone – over to
you Statto.
Badger 10-1-27-2 Grig 5-2-5-0 Splashy 10-1-23-1 Pike 8-0-38-2 Wizza
4-0-16-1 Hibbe 2-0-3-1 Brucette
1-0-2-1
|
Batsman |
How Out |
Score |
Catches |
Drops |
Fashion
(10) |
|
Biffa the Bacon# |
b |
35 |
0 |
4 |
0 (cardigan) |
|
Hibbe the Junior |
ct wk |
30 |
1 |
1 |
3 |
|
Zim the Wiz |
b (of course) |
10 |
1 |
3 |
0 (cardigan) |
|
Davross the Dross |
b |
2 |
0 |
0 |
9 |
|
Grig the Packer 3 |
Not out |
39 |
0 |
0 |
3 |
|
Van Brad the Tits* |
Not out |
1 |
0 |
1 |
1 |
|
Hibbe the Senior |
DNB |
|
1 |
0 |
4 |
|
Splashy the Digit |