RELEGATION, HERE WE COME …..

SATURDAY 1STS vs. LINGFIELD, 5^th July

LadyBoycs Carried his bat for 25 not out – but it was even more boring than that – a 38 over stay. Zzzzz. Boring us all to death cost us the match.

2/10

Murdoch Sprightly start with 10 dashing runs. This score looked damn good by the end of the innings. Still had more than Mickey after 1 hour, even though had been sat down for 50 mins. Not fielding at slip probably cost us the match.

4/10

Papa Barker Increasing disdain with batting performances continued. Exited at 64-1. Turned around, looked again, and we were all out. Grumbled at slip in his best form but failure to make 90% of the runs cost us the match.

8/10

Pike Batting at number 4? Amazing! Quack.

Nabbed a couple of cheap wickets, but cost us the match by shoddy batting.

0/10

Vorster One ball – Kersplatt! 4 runs. Next ball – straight one, you guessed it, bowled. Inabilty to hit any straight balls cost us the match. Extraordinarily shoddy catching attempt.

2/10

B Fuller Quack – his 3^rd successive in the League. Have we found the new Muzza? Also got tonked, both of which cost us the match.

0/10

M Shrubb Starting to regain his batting form? Quack. Inability to bowl more than 1 over probably cost us the match.

0/10

T Barker Did manage to sweep one boundary. Then said he would ‘get his head down and have a good bat’. Bowled next ball. Inability to bowl the oppo out single-handedly for under 100 cost us the match.

3/10

Gazza Huge expectations for the enigmatic batting exponent. Many twirls of the bat. Two straight bat defensive prods. The one big swipe of the trusty blade. Quack. His 5 balls which went for 13 at the end of their innings cost us the match.

-13/10

Bubbles Absolute carnage in front of him made no difference to his cavalier approach to batting, and quite right too. Smite a meaty 4, ran a nervous single, then plum lbw. Nice visit though. Inability to win the match single-handedly cost us the match.

5/10

Trigger Still feeling the effects of broken ankle. One ball faced, one swing and miss, one man clean bowled. Quack. Inability to move anywhere cost us the match.

0/10

6 . 6 6 4 4

SATURDAY 1STS vs. HORSHAM 3RDS, 12th July

	Moment of acclaim	Moment of shame	Lost the game cos
Watford	Snaffled one at mid-wicket. Made it look better than it was.	Look of joy when believing Frank’s 26-run over was more expensive than his own shocker vs Balcombe. Read the scorebook Mr Chairman.	Got out early doors after claiming he was just too tired to bat.
Homer	Na	Ball handling and then abusing the wicket keeper.	Dropped easy catch off Andy White who unselfishly palmed the chance to Neil at second slip.
Zim	76 of Mugabe’s finest, 36 of which came in 6s, including one that threatened the phone box.	80 runs off last 8 overs, when bowling in tandem with Frank. Super creekit.	Threw wicket away when could so easily have had a league hundred in the bag.
Kirsty	Bagged a couple of wickets and shared an 80-odd run partnership with Zim.	Saluting getting off the mark and avoiding fourth league duck on the bounce.	Scoring only 8 runs in 80-odd partnership with Zim.
Doris	38* to help get the Rams close.	B. White (captain) RUN OUT 0 F. Pugh (treasurer) RUN OUT 0 D. Threader (dad) RUN OUT 0	Needed only four from the last over and got just the one.
Retchup	Hmmmmm.	Wicketless again.	Wicketless again.
Shribb	Quickfire 50 to give us hope. A couple of dodgy wickets helped the cause.	Claimed when batting that it was in the bag (“singles are for girls”) and got caught on the boundary next over to leave us sadly short.	Didn’t see it through to the end.
Kendo	Turned up wearing Thomas’ shorts.	6.6644	Stood and watched ball trundle through to the keeper at the end when should have been running to victory.
Buckets	Managed again to play Dave Threader without employing him once in the game.	Overseeing another slide down the league and once again electing to field in the searing heat.	Captaining the whole sorry affair.
Nabob	Didn’t really do anything.	Didn’t really do anything.	Didn’t really do anything.
Trigger	Signalling wide, off Tom’s bowling, whilst fielding at second slip.	Keeping up pretence that he is immobile and can only field at first slip and eat tea.	Really didn’t do anything.

DUCKFIELD TURDS

SATURDAY 1STS vs. CUCKFIELD 3RDS, 19th July

Lee His 9 was 2^nd top score (actually extras got 21). So what. Almost cocked up simple run out by trying to throw it over Bob’s head.

Age of dismissing bowler = 13

Murds Once again (stuck record) solid start, playing nice and straight – then yahoo as played over straight one. Has Zim been giving him coaching lessons?

Age of successful bowler = 13

Papa Barker Grumble, mumble. Wickets Tumble all around him. Grumble, mumble. Hit a few fours. More wickets tumble. Grumble, mumble. Hit a few more fours and a six. More wickets tumble. Grumble, mumble. The King Grumbleweed is finally out for 72 (out of 126 total). Good job he was there, though.

Age of successful bowler = 13

Bob Fuller What’s this? More runs? 5 in total, including nice cover drive, but was never going to last today.

Age of successful bowler = 67

Zim Strides to the wicket. Eyes ancient and juvenile bowling attack with glee. Plays straight to first ball, dot ball. Second ball is on target, he swings, he … Timber!

Age of successful bowler = 67

Shrubb Like a good sailor boy, was all at sea. Once more managed only 1 over before got too tired to carry on. Wooss.

Age of successful bowler = 67

Buckets Looked to be steadying the ship, with 6 including nice cut. Promotion in order short-lived as cleaned up by man in zimmer frame.

Age of successful bowler = 67

Pikey Another who threatened to rescue batting effort with Steve, but fell to lame drive. Picked up a couple more wickets again, despite some carnage off bowling.

Age of successful bowler = 15

Gazza Early season magical form now has vanished. Must be the strain of sharing a house with 2 young ladies. Or the stress of selling his disco moped.

Age of successful bowler = 15

T Barker Another not out to add to his collection. Relieved to avoid batting with his pops, eliminating possibility of run out as a dismissal. Their posh opener gave him something of a spanking. Non-Fer.

Was an unsuccessful bowler himself (again)

Frankie Badger scored beautifully all day, but obviously there wasn’t much going on in the runs column. Went out to bat determined to make a good fist of it and use up last 10 overs with Tom. Spooned first ball to gully, who took simple catch. Golden Quack.

Age of successful bowler = 15

COULD YOU MOVE THE SCREEN TO THE LEFT PLEASE

SUNDAY XI vs. MOULSCOMB DISTRICT, 27th July

Match Highlights: -

• Skeletor dropped on 0, and then out for 1
• Skeletor then spending next 2 hours on a bench reading a massive book, all on his own
• 63 partnership between Boycs and Pike – that actually included some proper attacking shots
• Boycs repeatedly trying to run out Pikey, an act of revenge for entire First XI in recent weeks
• Grumbling of both Lee and Pike after they had to umpire immediately after being dismissed
• Hibbe Jnr playing round a low straight one – 3^rd duck of the season. Thanks for coming. Nice shades though.
• Grig looking classy, including lovely 4, until spooned full toss straight to mid off
• Very careful and averages-conscious 21 from Raymondo – throwing away the ‘Highest Percentage in Boundaries’ crown
• Skipper Brad being stone dead lbw – then walking straight past the bowler to the sidescreen and moving it 2 feet to the left
• Zim losing another ball over the road with a straight six
• Zim actually being caught rather than bowled
• One of their ancient fielders taking great catch to dismiss Hibbe Snr
• Davros’ epic last wicket stand with Yvann – repeatedly being bounced by their bowler and hooking wildly
• Yvann calmly protecting her average with 12-ball 0 not out
• Skeletor struggling to re-discover ‘The Force’ behind the stumps
• Continued calls of ‘exterminate!’ every time Dave Ross went near the ball
• Spectacular one-handed catch from Zim off dolly catch
• Pete managing to get his breasts out of the way in time to stoop and take low catch at mid off
• Nifty, face-saving catch from Packer
• Cliff – ‘That’s lost us the game’ as Boycs is hoiked for 6 over midwicket (batsman was bowled next ball)
• Yvann copying Brad’s leg-theory style of bowling – however managing to keep it rather tidy (4 overs for 19)
• Brad claiming to have bowled 2 overs for Ansty midweek for just 12 runs – but declining to turn his arm over
• Three late wickets for Zim against the tail – and 2 more for Pikey
• Another tight finish ending with Zim being tonked for six

STAPLEFIELD 119 all out

(Lee 39, Funnell 21)

MOULSCOMB 124-7

(Sullivan 44, Vorster 3-16, Threader 2-17)

MOULSCOMB WON BY 3 WICKETS

ANOTHER TIGHT ONE (WHISPERED REV TO POLLY)

SATURDAY 2NDS vs. HORSHAM TRINITY, 12th July

Polly Pocket

although suffering the “Saturday-morning-after-the-night-before” risk of severe follow through (and making sure everyone knew it!), managed to knock up a quick 30 in the scorching heat and proceeded to do absolutely nothing for the rest of the day in first slip.

El Dorado

failed to impress with a lengthy innings for just 1 run, but made up for his shameful batting on an easy wicket with a sharp performance in the field. Stopped an absolute rocket of a shot, which anyone else would have avoided… shame he dropped it though!

Snags

looked like he was setting himself up for some vicious stroke play in the middle, but then he had to bat and got a meagre 6. Some rather unpredictable bowling managed to net him a wicket somehow, but he still got spanked and was taken off quite promptly.

Griff

a rapid 15 at number 4 in the order, but caught quite early. Then looked baffled when the opposition umpire told him he should have worn a helmet and could only bowl for 5 overs followed by a 10 over rest.

Andy Oram

ropy batting for 6 runs, but you’d never believe he hadn’t played for a year if you’d seen him in the field. More than competent, but probably wondered why Rev had him sweeping the boundary – but then, if you can field a ball and throw it all the way back, where else could you be??

Gary May

guess why he never came to play for us permanently?? That’s right, he’s good. 48 runs (jug avoidance no.1) and then some great bowling which saved us the game! Rev – get him out for us again!

Scooper

provided most of the shade on a hot afternoon and hit a spanking 6 that lost us the ball in a field more full of dung than cows. Nice. Still, his quick 20 helped push the score out of reach for the oppo and he managed to save a load of boundaries in the field!

Moormanator

LEGEND! Another spanking innings of 49 (major jug avoidance no.2), with his trade mark sweep from a prone position coming into play more than once! Then had to take himself out of the bowling attack because the game would have been over too quickly (the firsts must be gagging for the Rev-meister to join them!!).

Bubbles

not sure how he managed, but got 26 runs. Usual total lack of style and ability, but they all add up at the end of the game. Noticed to be rather “warm and moist” behind the stumps, but it’s rumoured he likes that sort of thing. 2 more catches and his Twenty20 selectors are rubbing their hands with glee!

Pearly

where has Winny been all year? Got a duck, but nobody was surprised, so he opened the bowling. Outrageous! Had them at 2 for 0 after 2 overs!! Horsham Trinity… worship the Winston! Had to come back on at the end of the game to save us at the cusp!

Diana

recovered from a lengthy lay-off with a severe calf injury. Rumours abound that the wife might be a ‘special’ doctor to help aid recovery from such serious strains… he was certainly heard to cry “Keep ur heed up” several times from the boundary!

Staplefield – 215 all out

Horsham Trinity – 209 all out

HALLELUJAH, IT’S RAINING MEN

SATURDAY 2NDS vs. DITCHLING STROLLERS, 19th July

Hegarty Opened batting and bowling on his return to Staplefield. Still a perv and still wearing same knee brace. Smell of said knee brace attracted more flies than the muck spreader in adjacent field. Scored 6 runs and removed opener with fierce delivery. Talked too much about under 15 girls’ cricket teams. Introduced celebratory breast groping after wickets which was worryingly quite well received.

Bird Just one run before being bowled. Fielded for long periods of time on boundary without seeing the ball. Then took magnificent catch in the deep to remove their skipper. Kept calling Dermott “Sunshine”. Mmmm.

Miller Found “Safety Zone” when facing their quick bowler, backing away about a yard as it was bowled. Seemed to work though, as he hit a match winning 59 including 9 fours. Took 2 wickets in fine spell to allow victory. Compared breasts with Birdy.

Yule Hit a quick 15 before being bowled. Mammoth 12 over bowling spell bagged 5 wickets and numerous dropped catches. Failed to stop a ball all afternoon in the field, but held two catches off his own bowling. Nearly decapitated the Moormanator when both went for a catch.

Colt Their quickie stopped bowling fast when he got to the crease, and James handily failed to mention that he wasn’t 13. Made no difference as the 80 year-old deaf bloke bowled him for 5 in Ron Johnson style. Threatened to give the game up after.

Grig Wore a helmet to protect his teeth. Should’ve put more effort into protecting his stumps. Had at least 5 seconds to decide what to do with the old geezers ‘slow’ ball. Went for the slog. Wrong choice. Golden duck. Lost the ball going for a catch but ran their opener out with superb throw, previously unseen by the rest of the team. Bowled superbly in the rain and took their final wicket with 4 balls to spare.

Skip Another splendid knock of 34 with boundaries to all parts of the leg side. Had his off stump knocked out of the ground but had already done his job. Marshalled his troops well, even though he dropped a couple of catches. Resorted to footwork fielding which was far more successful.

Kiwi Smashed in the box then bowled the next ball. Bowled brilliantly but with no reward although there were plenty of chances. Meal with the in-laws - 7pm. Back in Horsham – 9pm. Meet the boys in town – 10pm. Priceless.

Bubbles Customary hangover and shakes. Another to have stump removed after first ball 4. Added to his tally of catches behind the stumps. Threw gloves to the floor in order to chase young lady around field. Still single.

Condon Jnr Restored family pride by making double figures. First person to call “wait” while batting, rather than just pausing or legging it without saying anything. Apologised for her fielding during tea. Threw like a girl. Was allowed to speak to Hegarty. There should be laws against it.

Ross Hit 2 great streaky fours and celebrating by shouting “lovely jubbly”. Provided a last wicket partnership of 20 to help post a respectable total. Fielded in the rain without having to do a great deal.

KNIGHT NO INSURANCE POLICY FOR SOUTHWATER

SUNDAY XI vs. SOUTHWATER, 6th July

A game most noteworthy for the return of Mr Policy Corner himself, Nick Knight, although playing for the opposition. As usual, Tits lost the toss and was pleasantly surprised to be asked to bat. Did they know something he didn’t? Taking no chances, Van Brad promptly dropped himself down the order and a new Sunday opening partnership of Polly and Leek strode out, since Cliff was also dropped down the order to ensure he couldn’t umpire while Tits was batting.

This pair produced a 50 opening stand and Polly went on to a carefully judged, jug-avoiding 46 before Brutal strode out at number 6 and stroked it around for an unbeaten half century. The Moormanator spanked a a quick 28 and at tea we sat in the healthy position of 212 for 8.

Wickets fell regularly in Southwater’s reply but they never got quite close enough and in the end we couldn’t part numbers 9 and 10. Match drawn.

Staplefield

Polly ct 46

Leek b 23

Zim ct 13

Bubbles b 1

Non-Tourist ct 24

Brutal not out 52

Skeletor ct 4

Tits b 0

Revvin run out 28

Windy not out 9

Pike DNB

Total 212 -8

Southwater 174 for 8

Pike 16-4-26-3 Windy 10-2-36-1

Revvin 8-0-15-2 Wiz 8-0-43-2

Polly 1-0-6-0 Leek 1-1-0-0

Match drawn

TWO CONDONS BETTER THAN ONE

SUNDAY XI vs. THREE BRIDGES 3RDS, 13th July

Much interest centred around the new players brought in by skipper Van Brad to strengthen the Sunday squad – Grig Condom’s 15 year old daughter and of course Grig as well. Obviously an act of desperation when you’ll expose your teenage daughter to a bunch of perves just to get yourself back in the team.

As usual we lost the toss and 3 Bridges opted to bat. At tea they had amassed 200 plus mainly thanks to their left-handed opener Stimpson who didn’t, it has to be said, look like a 3^rd XI player as he got 132* - 2/3rds of their total. Needless to say we dropped him a couple of times – but then this is the Sunday side. Orange Tony jaffa’d them down and was rewarded with a couple of wickets and it was entertaining to see the Hibbe’s sharing a run out and then arguing about who got the fantasy points.

In the absence of Skeletor, JD was press-ganged into opening, with Pike in another dramatic promotion from 11 to 3. Following the usual early collapse, a partnership of 46 between Brutal and the returning Grig saw us start to get close, but then the usual late collapse arrived and with Yvann Condon and Orange Tony the last pair at the wicket we knew the game was up. We urged Yvann not to let Tony have the strike but to no avail. He lasted about 3 balls.

Three Bridges III 203-5

Pike 8-1-36-0 Orange Tony 12-1-50-2

Hibbe the Mod 7-0-47-1 Wiz 6-0-37-1

JD 4-0-30-0

Staplefield

Tits ct 7

JD b 5

Pike b 10

Hib Jr b 24

Zim b 4

Grig b 42

Brutal ct 42

Hibbe run out 8

Bubbles b 2

Yvann not out 0

Oranges b 1

Total 169 all out

Three Bridges won by 34 runs

WEST BLATCHINGTON BATTERED

SUNDAY XI vs. WEST BLATCHINGTON, 20th July

Judas Spent much of the afternoon taxiing his girlfriend to and from Hove station. You can understand why she didn’t want to watch Cliff’s fielding. However, Skelly was returned to his usual opening spot and gave us a solid start which probably was the deciding factor in us winning the game.

PB Tits Lost the toss, a crucial moment that was probably the deciding factor in us winning the game, together with his duck which paved the way for the more talented Sunday middle order.

Pike His 2^nd consecutive week in the problem number 3 slot. 12 runs and 2 wickets were probably the deciding factors in us winning the game.

Non-tourist Spanked 16 straight(ish) runs and then took the deciding catch at deep midwicket off his old man (it certainly decided Hibbe had to buy a jug) and these 2 things probably were the deciding factors in us winning the game.

Grig Condom Arrived at the ground confessing to a golden duck the day before for the 2nds – hit a fantastic 61 (incl 12 4’s) which probably was the deciding factor in us winning the game.

Brutal Did absolutely nothing which probably was the deciding factor in us winning the game.

Gaz Managed a single and then bowled – went to great lengths explaining his dismissal was due to his incorrect foot position – this was undoubtedly true since his feet looked set in concrete from the pavilion. However took a great catch off Pikey at short 3^rd man which probably was the deciding factor in us winning the game.

Hibby A Bothamesqe performance from the former Bee Gee with 16 runs (out hit wicket) and then 5 for 52 including a C & B plus a run out - probably the deciding factors in us winning the game.

Frank the Spank Lived up to his name by being spanked more than a masochist in a room full of leather-clad sadists, but took a vital catch at deep mid-off to dismiss the oppo skipper who was starting to really open up and this probably was the deciding factor in us winning the game.

Yvan Condon Made her Sunday bowling debut and responded with 2 wickets. This discovery of a new death bowler probably was the deciding factor in us winning the game.

Dave Ross Contributed 0 not out in a last wicket partnership of 0 which probably was the deciding – oh forget it.

Bizarre moment of the day

As Brutal was striding out to join Grig in the middle, a strange looking spectator in headphones, nappy-padded hipster shorts and a Nabobesque bare torso asked “Is this a colts match?”

Staplefield 143 all out

W Blatchington 140 all out (off the last ball of the 20 overs)

Staplefield won by 3 runs