SUNDAY XI vs. BEEDING & BRAMBER, 1st June
Judas Bacon – An
integral part of Bradbury’s quest to win the Twenty20 competition. Pete has
selected Cliff in the category of ‘Most runs conceded per over’ and so Pete brings
Cliff on to bowl at ‘appropriate moments’. These ‘appropriate moments’ are when
the oppo’s best batsman has got his eye in. Cliff duly obliged by serving up a
selection of boundary balls. Because his bowling, batting & fielding isn’t
very good these days, he has taken up amateur photography. SCC players can
expect to find their pictures on Skeletorsexycricketboys.com soon. Oh yes, and
he used his powers to create an electrical storm when he was batting …… YOU
FOOLS CANNOT RESIST MY POWER
Splasher
Shrubb – An integral part of Bradbury’s quest to win the Twenty20
competition. The man with poo in his pants has, rather arrogantly, selected
himself in the category of best bowling economy rate. So Bradbury makes him
bowl spin when the oppo’s best batsman has got his eye in and instructs
Skeletor to drop any catches that come his way. At last has scored a few runs
with the bat for the Sunday side. Shame it took until June though.
Brutal Ray – Appears
to have one eye on the Sunday batting cup already with an uncharacteristic
circumspect innings. Nurdled singles all the way to see us home to victory. Was
this really Ray or a cleverly disguised impostor? Was also caught at The
Tanners bar buying drinks …… what more proof do you need? An impostor I tell
you, an IMPOSTOR!
Zim – Its only
June, but already it’s a 2 man race between Zim & Yule to the title of
batsman with highest % of runs scored in boundaries. Zim was gutted that his
innings included a single as he knew that the previous day Yule had a 100%
boundary hit innings. Took a couple of top drawer catches, but still showing
moments of ‘campness’. Have we discovered the new Duncan Norvelle? Oooooh, go
on, chase me.
Hibberdette – Always
does something in the field to make us laugh. This time it was a full length
‘Bruce Grobelaar stylee’ dive to a ball that flew 15 yards past to the right of
him. Where does his athleticism come from? (certainly isn’t his father). Batted
with class for a not out score and a partnership with Ray that won us the
match. Whipped up a family storm in the pub by telling his Dad that he was
going on Tour and not even Mum can stop him.
Frap Coach
Bradbury – Doesn’t seem to care what the result of the match is,
only seems bothered about winning the Twenty20 competition. Abuses his Captain’s
privileges by choosing fielding positions, bowlers and the batting order
according to his Twenty20 competition entries ….. of which he has made about
19.
Lady Boycs
Lee – A very odd man. Scores a match winning 61n.o. the day
before as an opener and then hides himself down the order in the less
competitive Sunday match … bizarre. Also, wears rubber wet suit shoes the
previous day when it was blazing hot, but today chose not to wear them when it
was lashing down with rain …. even more bizarre. Seemed rather chuffed with his
first DNB of the season.
Jason ‘Cold
Feet’ Moores – Temperatures were running high as Gerald, the dribbling
umpire, gave a dodgy wide. After a quick exchange of profanity and more
dribble, things calmed down again. Wickets were hard to come by today, but
Mooresey managed to get amongst them. Holder of the ‘Pike’ moment of the day ….
when the rain started to pour down and we left the field of play, Jason decided
to leave his jumper on the boundary ….. boy did it get wet! Stupid boy.
Bubbles
Cooper – Has announced his intention to play in every possible
game due to ‘a lot more free time becoming available’. Who will forever be
blowing bubbles now?
Maurice
Hibberd – Staplefield’s very own Jethro. Never short of a
one-liner. Today’s crackerjack, on picking up some stray raffle tickets off the
pitch, exclaimed ‘it’s a bit of a lottery this cricket game’. Arrived at the
game late, at a time when we had stopped for rain. But still hurriedly got
changed into his whites to ensure a valid claim to 10 fantasy points. His 1st
ball of the season didn’t quite get the same result as his 1st ball
last season, being spanked for 4. Still doesn’t seem really comfortable with
the thought of his 1st born going on Tour …. or is it that he will
have to room with Yule?
Diana Ross – The
golden arm bowling radar was firmly switched to ‘off’ today as Dave conceded a
whole muckle o’runs. Fell over in the field for absolutely no apparent reason
as the bowler hadn’t even commenced his run up at the time. Has developed a
whole new fielding method of falling onto his knees and then attempting to trap
the ball between them. Weirdo.
BEEDING
& BRAMBER 135-3 dec
Smith 56, Moores 2-37
STAPLEFIELD
136-3
M Shrubb 39, Funnell 44no
STAPLEFIELD
WON BY 7 WICKETS
SATURDAY 1STS vs. FOREST ROW, 7th June
Match
Highlights were: -
SATURDAY 2NDS vs. TURNERS HILL, 14th June
El Clarko Contributed
7 explosive runs in similar number of overs.
Hid himself in the slips in order to take no part when fielding. Ate vast quantities of tea before claiming
“I’m running for nothing”. Very
accurate.
Slags Another pathetic opening score
of 6 which did nothing to help the cause.
Bowling was flawed to say the least, allowing constant boundaries to all
parts of the ground. Fielded well.
Windy Picked
up a couple of wickets but inexcusably expensive considering all the batsmen
were OAP’s. Just made double figures
batting, but little to be proud of.
Dance Big hitting paid off for once
while smashing 27 including only 6 of the game. Spin wizardry started to win the match before his knee gave way
under the weight. Unbelievable the
knees have lasted this long.
Unhealthily white legs exposed for way too long.
Yule Consistent
26 with the bat including high percentage of boundaries. “GoldenArm rested for first part of the
game, then failed to snatch a wicket.
Provided tea, which included fantastic pasta number. Unfortunately no forks so he took it home
again. Muppet.
Scooper Top scoring 30 with no less than 6
boundaries. Missed a vital catch at the
end of the game and provided brilliant humour with the 16 stone fall over
whilst fielding. Apparently hurt his
head. Funny never the less.
Moormanator Skipper’s
innings of 1 before getting bowled.
Moved the field around ‘Threader-like’ for the first half of the
innings. No-one listened and he gave
up. Didn’t bowl himself, but instead
let Windy bowl at more than 5 an over.
Griffithsths Hit
2 superb boundaries before leaving a straight one. Dropped a ‘dolly’ before taking a beaut on the boundary. Batsmen was disappointed that he was caught
“by a child”. Shame you’re in your mid
twenties, then.
Kiwi Hoped he would be the saviour
but panicked when joined by Number 11 Dave Ross. Hadn’t seen The Rock in action this year and was out for 11. Tidy bowling including 2 wickets. Hoping to be a Science teacher. Said he’d start lesson with “G’day. Lube up ya penises.” God help them.
Bubbles Fantastic
4 before the same old story. Took a
catch behind the stumps then spent after match drinks talking about his
“chocolate starfish.” Heard talking to
Barry about the pros of Internet dating.
Still single.
Rossi Solid
2 not out meant he could be opening following week. Impossible to get out.
Bowled three wobbly overs and had one dropped. When asked why he bowls well when practising but so badly during
matches he explained it was because he gets “shy”.
SATURDAY 1STS vs. BALCOMBE 2, 14th June
Lard One
solitary run was all he had to show for today. 200—mile round trip for £6. 1/10
Murds Got
out of double figures at long last, with steady, rock-like 21. Spilled one
catch on boundary’s edge whilst being talked to by Andy White’s son, which then
hit the boy in the head. 6/10
Papa Barker Short
of bowlers? Why not turn to the wise, experienced head of Steve? First over to
change ends was uneventful. Second over broke all club records (Walshy will be
pleased his record has gone) going for 27, including 3 maximums. Only managed 8
runs in return with the bat. –27/10
Muzza Last
innings before he goes big game hunting. Managed to avoid letting straight ones
hit his stumps for once, and smite a meaty 37, with one six. Mobility in field
was ‘questionable’ but at least he leaves for his travels on a happier note.
Everyone pile into him for free fantasy points wastage. 8/10
Funnell One
of his favourite grounds. 33 runs with 2 maximums, but surprising number of
singles. Impressed one neutral spectator with his ‘brutality’ – his words, not
ours. 7/10
Zim Carnage
off his bowling. He may usually top most categories, but by this stage he’s
also top of ducks and sixes conceded. Weird. Greeted their 12-year old opening
bowler with swat for 6 over square leg into field. Next ball, goes back and
flat-bats it over long off for another 6. The crowd go wild. The youngster gets
mad. Following several near misses, the kid bowls a straight one and you know
what happened next. Timber! 5/10
Shrubbula Reasonable
bowling spell with short boundary available. Much rested on his heavy shoulders
with the bat. After a few gentle prods, one heave, caught at deep mid off for a
duck. 2/10
A White Steady
batting for a while. Then was called for crazy single by Pike and moved with
the speed of a flying Splodge. Also managed to turn ankle after he had failed
to reach his ground. 0/10
Pike Marathon
bowling spell from the new ‘Iron Man’ of the team. Two spells and managed to
bowl 20 overs and take 3-71. Top effort. Managed longest ever boundary (in
terms of time taken from hitting ball to reaching the boundary). Edged one to
slip on 0, who spilled it to fine leg. Fielder retrieves ball at leisurely
pace, and hurls the ball past the stumps for 4 overthrows, all taking about 30
seconds. All this time Tom is literally sat on his arse. 9/10
Tom Hmmmm. Curious. Shortest
boundary in living memory – 30 yards. After 5 overs, comes off with a mystery
‘strain’. Dubious. Blatted last ball for 4 when game was safe for biggest cheer
of day. 3/10
Buckets Made
us field on scorching heat. DNB. 0/10
SATURDAY 2NDS vs. PULBOROUGH 2NDS, 21st June
In one of the most breathtaking finishes seen on The
Common in recent times, it was Gazza Ireland who played hero as The Staplers
snatch a most unlikely victory from the jaws of defeat:
Defied many of the laws of body physics by being one of the
more sprightly fielders on display, including a pin-point throw in from the
fine 3rd man boundary to run out the oppo number 6. Sadly,
equilibrium was restored as Lee suffered the same fate himself being run out
for 8 (and it was his call). This was 8 out of an opening ‘partnership’ of 42 …
roughly translated, that’s less than a 19% contribution.
The self-proclaimed ‘Judge’ (Staple Diet will be the
Judge of that thank you very much) set off his innings in whirlwind fashion
carting the ball to all parts in a flawless half-century, including 8 fours and
a pair of maximums. Lucky there wasn’t anyone from the 1st team
watching him …. oh, wait, hang on a minute
It just isn’t the same as batting in the nets is it
Dave? A 2nd ball duck is sure to alert transfer seeking Fantasy
Managers looking for the wooden spoon.
It will come as no
surprise that the only SCC player with a nipple pierced and who is currently
boning a Latvian girl whom he met over the Internet was the top wicket taker
for the day. 4-44 off 10 was a fine effort against several Pulborough 1st
XI batsmen. Slightly embarrassing moment in the field when his knee buckled and
he fell to the ground exposing his builders crack. Time to reapply some
depilatory back, crack & sack cream Barry. A golden duck undid most of the
fantasy points gathered when bowling.
The Hairy Cornflake (Steve
Barker)
Added much needed steel to
the middle order scoring a competent 44 with the bat. Gave those Gooch like
legs a good work out in the field by keeping wicket. Snaffled a couple of
catches in his gapless gloves.
Tight fielding display
including a points share with Lee for the run out. Middle the road bowling
display and middle the road batting display, the most bizarre moment of which
was giving himself out caught behind. Peculiar. Honesty is this boys watchword.
Post match commendation came from the oppo wicket keeper for his exemplary show
of sportsmanship. Peculiar.
Oh boy. Had a bit of a
shocker with the ball, but that doesn’t matter when you can bat like this man.
Sensational career best 43 n.o. helped to secure one of the greatest &
successful run chases in SCC history. Congratulated the bowlers after each over
they bowled at him and even patted them on the back as consolation for him
blatting them all round the ground. Even came to the pub after the match AND
bought a jug! When he wasn’t telling us all about his innings he was telling
the opposition all about his innings and when he wasn’t doing either of those,
he was telling the bar maid all about his innings. All this completely
over-shadowed the disclosures that his disco motor-bike is up for sale and that
he now lives with TWO birds in Crawley. Oh boy.
Arrived at the match in a bit of a fluster after his
fiancé had stolen 8 cans of his precious stock of Fosters. Still managed to
open the bowling and pick up a couple of wickets. Took the catch of the match
at long off and contributed 22 priceless runs in a partnership of 47 with Hero
Ireland. Ripper mate.
Last minute part time replacement for Rob Bird. Took a
couple of catches but couldn’t squeeze out a wicket. Went home at tea time
where he spent 40 minutes in his armchair watching an episode of Only Fools
& Horses. Arrived back at Staplefield at 6:45pm, padded up, went out to
bat, whacked a few 4’s & 6’s in a last wicket stand with Hero Ireland,
match won. Easy.
SUNDAY XI vs. LANCING MANOR, 22nd June
Historically, this match usually produces comfortably
more than 400 runs in an afternoon. Not today:
Used to be quite an entertaining batsman, but boy was he
boring today. Limped his way to 17 runs in about an hour and a half. He was
even being outscored by Pike so you can imagine just how slow he was. Claimed
that the bowling was unplayable. Full tosses are always unplayable when you
can’t play full tosses. Owned up in the pub afterwards that he gloved one to
the keeper and didn’t walk. Irony was that it didn’t do us any favours!
Outscored Turncoat Cliff in an opening partnership of
40 which lasted what seemed like forever. However, its bowling this season
which Pike excels at. Another 5-fer in a top drawer spell of swing bowling set
us up for victory. Loads of fantasy points.
After an exemplary half century the day before, The
Judge was brimming with confidence as he swaggered out in the dreaded Sunday
number 3 slot. The hoodoo was too much as he spooned one up 2nd ball
for a duck.
Commeth the hour, commeth
the man. Well, not today. Ray took a break from clattering a shed load of runs
in exchange for a lack lustre duck. Managed to cling on to a catch to at least
keep himself in positive fantasy points for the day.
Nabob (Dave Threader)
Left his proper glasses at
work so had to play the game in a pair of prescription shades. If you can’t
picture what he looked like, think Peters & Lee. Spectacular promotion in
the batting order to number 5. Didn’t disappoint his fans as he played a
majestic innings for 3. Actually received coaching lessons from his son whilst
out in the middle. Rolled back the years with the ball picking up a couple of
valuable wickets late on.
Was lectured by Cliff that
the bowling was virtually unplayable and that it was nigh on impossible to get
the ball away. So then he goes out to bat and scores a quick 50. Must have been
different bowlers or something.
An angry hard hitting 25
runs from the radioactive one helped us to a respectable total. Took a couple
of tidy catches employing his unique crocodile snatch technique. His bowling
figures of 2 overs 1 wicket for 8 runs doesn’t quite tell the story of his variety
of length & line bowling. Effective though.
Behind Pike, he was the pick of the bowlers and
grabbed a couple of well deserved wickets with his efficient action. Went about
his fielding in an efficient manner. Hit an efficient 4 runs with the bat.
Evidence suggests that this man is German.
Entered into a pre-match conversation with Dave about
strap-ons – not a smart thing to be doing. Smart bowling spell, but wicketless.
A smart 1 not out with the bat. Drove home in a Smart Car. Smart.
Bubbles (Geoff Cooper)
Came on as a substitute fielder for Dross after his horrific
calf injury and is now claiming fantasy league points for doing so. What will
the Chief of Staplefield Fantasy League decide? Bubbles’ fantasy managers look
on with keen interest …..
SATURDAY 2NDS vs. HORSHAM TRINITY, 28th June
Leek
Now
customary positive batting style gave the crowd much to savour.....9.
Controversial
LBW from oppo umpire when the ball “pitched outside leg, hit
outside
off, after an inside edge and hit the top of my thigh.” Well that was
Lee’s
version. Shame you weren’t
umpiring. (See Steve Miller). Dropped
easiest
catch of the day, failing even to get the gloves to touch the ball.
Pocket
For the second time this season has managed two ducks
in a row. Unable to
match amazing 50 against quality opposition last
week. Bowled playing down
the wrong line.
Proved his worth at second slip by watching the ball whizz
between him and Clarky all afternoon, and
occasionally over his head.
Windy
Top scored
with 44 although first 40 came in 10 minutes, next 4 in 1 hour and
10
minutes. Hates batting with Yule as
runs seem to dry up. Hit 8 fours to all
parts of
the ground before Lee gave him LBW.
Wasn’t happy. Lee was.
Sharp
c&b to remove first of 2 wickets and tight spell stifled their run chase.
Bazza
Quick-fire
21 with some meaty fours before his knee gave way again.
Threatened
to retire hurt before deciding to face one more ball and got caught.
Spin
wizardry at its best once more bamboozled 4 oppo batsmen. Lost packet
of Bensons,
made large fuss, then found them in his pocket. Blind Date
turned up
after the game and he sped off with a smile.
Yule
Smashed their
‘quick’ for 6 over his head which led to a mammoth dual. Their
bowler
pitched everything short, Yule ran off to get a helmet. Result - one ball
later and
caught behind going for a hook. Gained
revenge by unveiling
‘GoldenArm’
for 8 balls and claiming same bloke c&b to win game.
Colt
Once again
questions raised over his age. “Do we
need to bowl spin to the
youngster?” Paired up with new-boy Charlie for
entertaining scampering of
singles at
end of game. Another catch in the deep
and solid fielding display.
Scooper
Determined
not to break another bat, so used his arm to fend off the short ball.
Another
couple of splendid boundaries and the highest shot of the day into a
gap before
eventually getting caught for 11. Only
managed to find shade for 2
balls of
their innings. Skipper obviously trying
to cause a redder face than his
for the
pub.
Charlie
Unorthodox
22 including 3 dispatched to the rope.
First player to call “Yes” for
a quick
single before the ball had left the bowlers hand. Fielded capless for
entire game
facing the sun but still managed to hold a magnificent catch in the
deep off
Bazza. Probably broke finger, but
still.
Crouchie
Unusual
position of not batting at number 9.
When asked if he was looking
forward to
their ‘quickie’ replied, “mmmmmmmm”.
Unusual position of bowling
first
change. Unusual bowling almost brought
him a couple of wickets.
Unusual for
a Crouchman to be liked. Unusual.
Moormanator
Opened the
bowling with normal variation and had the batsman in all sorts of
trouble. Bowled opener with trademark wrong-un. Switched bowlers around
with great
affect. Moved the field around less
than the bowlers but what the
hell. We won again. Good on ya, Skip.
Streeter
Looked
sharp opening the bowling. Let down by
wicket keeper and slip, who
seemed to
be watching a different game. Beat the
bat on numerous
occasions
before picking up deserved wicket. Lot
of effort for little reward.
Then again
that’s 2nd XI cricket for you.
STAPLEFIELD
204-6
Miller 44, P Shrubb 43
HORSHAM
TRINITY 131 all out
Dance 4-11
STAPLEFIELD
WON BY 75 RUNS
SATURDAY 1STS vs. COWFOLD, 28th June
Lardinho
Painful start
to his innings – as ball cannons into crown jewels. Maybe the
wedding will
be postponed? Survives for another 50 – is he on drugs? Or is it
the bionic
eyesight? Two cheap wickets in 1 over when skipper should have
already taken
him off added to fantasy point haul. Nearly had cap stomping
incident, but
just managed to pull out in time (so says his future missus).
Murds
Sprightly
in the field, especially with the bumpy outfield. No complaints even
though was
relegated from slips (see A White). Extraordinary yahoo and
bowled the
ball after told partner was going to take it steady.
Papa
Barker
Picked the
gaps with ease. Trundled between wickets until ‘felt a twang’ –
thankfully
not PB Tits on his guitar. Declined any singles unless he could
walk them,
even more annoyingly for Murds refused a runner, when Neil was
his only
option. Lucky not to be given lbw by Murds after this comment.
PB Tits
Sat on his arse for 2 hours waiting for Lee and
Barker to mess up. Number 4
in this team is usually a guarantee of action within
first 20 minutes – but not
against this lame bowling attack. Sprightly 14 not
out took us over the 200
mark. Extraordinary boundary fielding (it was like a
ploughed field) saw many
Winston-like moves on boundary, without the feet
making contact.
Buckets
Skipper at
number 5? Is he feeling ok? Elected to bat first. Hmmmm. One
single run
but a nifty stumping off LadyBoycs.
Pike
Determined
to notch another not out, despite the run chase going on around
him. Steady
bowling, figures deny the good spell (2-79).
Barker
Jnr
Padded up,
promoted in the order. Nowhere to go and another DNB. Hurrah!
First 2
overs go for about 25 runs thanks to their spanking opener – but got
him caught
and bowled off one with snow on it. Fielding turning circle now up
to 28
metres and challenging Splodge for ‘best ever cover point’ in SCC
history.
Rocket
Roshan is
back – so we were low on numbers again. He is always there when
we need
him. No batting today, no fielding, 1 solitary over of PB Tits legside
specialities,
then taken off. See you next season.
Bubbles
Cooper
‘Promoted’
to firsts. Not allowed to take the gloves by skipper – so most
puzzled as
to what was going on for first half an hour in the field. Put in great
fielding
effort with most dives and stops recorded. Stellar umpiring stint,
including
giving absolutely everything down the legside as a wide. Really
wound them
up. Top job.
Nabob
Another
DNB, fair enough. Almost another did not bowl as well. Came on late
in the
piece, and was welcomed by a 20-run first over. After considerable
improvement
with second, and a 25% reduction in runs conceded, was taken
off by the
skip.
Andy
White
Playing
despite turning his ankle 2 weeks ago. So missed the chance of a
good run up
the order when we’re a bit low on batters. Still, got to stand at first
slip all
day and not move, and had no catches come his way. Also managed to
avoid
umpiring due to horrendous injury. Result.
STAPLEFIELD
203-4 dec
S Barker 76, Lee 53
COWFOLD
205-5 Off 32.2 overs
Street 75, Clive Newman (yes him) 55
COWFOLD WON BY 5 WICKETS