GZELHKA!

TOUR MATCH vs. NITON, Saturday

Hunks, C Massive brown trousers time as faced first ball of tour. Handled with same aplomb as shepherded a neat 2 runs, appropriately in singles. Played in great pain caused by epic ‘Chariots of Fire’ episode the evening before. Surprisingly tidy bowling.

Tour drink – Gzelhka!

Manator, Moor Aka Revvin. Also handled the pressure with ease – smiting 17 runs with glee. Faced more pressure in terms of ensuring players were sufficiently covered in suncream.

Tour drink – Lager, pints of

Boy, Porn Part-time tourist with the ‘honour’ of being captain, and set a precedent by making a pig’s ear of it. Stumped for first time in career – which was justice as failed to do the decent thing as skipper and open the batting. Nice pair of bitch tits though.

Tour drink – Bitch Breast Cocktails

Lord, Gay Tommy enjoyed a rare outing up the order with 31 runs – roughly 31 more than usual. ‘Moved’ in the field with the usual lack of co-ordination and élan – and wasn’t even meant to be fielding – this was just umpiring and handing out masks. Also reported in with blistered feet.

Tour drink – Screaming Nancy Boy Cocktail

Redder, F Came late (plus ca change). Batted at 5, made 4 runs working out at exactly £2.50 cost per run on tour, having negotiated with himself a decent ‘Threader tour discount’. Revealed had used his son’s tour t-shirt to wash his executive Merc taxi in the off season. Deadly against rabbits with ball with 2 cheap wickets (how appropriate).

Tour drink – Crème de Menthe

Prawn, King Should have been in tip top condition for the match due to drinking ‘bitch piss’ (Smirnoff Ice) exclusively the night before. Dribbled his way to 17 slow runs. Highlight was his awesome performance behind the stumps – he actually stopped 4 deliveries. Successfully avoided Gzehlka in the evening – for the only time.

Tour drink – Smirnoff Ice Bitch Piss

Minder, Virgin Strange decision to have the 2 Shrubbs batting next to each other in the order. Did not disappoint with his excessive ‘off the duck’ celebration. Strangely muted without Hibbe Jnr to look after. Took 2 spectacular catches, one of them whilst wearing the ‘Hat of Eclat’. Away from his wife seemed to let go over a year’s worth of wind in one day, to the disgust of any downwind.

Tour drink – Cloudy spirits

Manator, Moose Is still wanted by Shanklin Constabulary for failing to pay for the evening meal on the first night. Driving was ‘sketchy’ at best with many kerbs. Still unaware what the question, ‘can I see your driving licence?’ really means. Kept drinking vodka and coke the night before.

Tour drink - Fosters

Love, Miller Kersplatt. Kerpowww. Zim is on tour. Smashed 41, not even bothering to hit 4’s, with 5 maximums. Every single was cheered by Yule, his rival for the highest % in boundaries title. Opted for the gay Harry Hill look that evening – strangely unsuccessful.

Tour drink – Miller creamy Yoghurt

Lard Spent most of previous 24 hours totally lost and separated from rest of party. Made up for lost time by questioning everyone on their sexual leanings with black ‘caucasian’ men with hair nets. Ventured out in evenings dressed from the ankles down as a policeman. One handed catch and given a run out when batsman was passed the stumps.

Tour drink – Anything bottled

R T Bear Managed to stay awake during match – unlike when standing up in bar/disco that evening. Excessive celebration of off the mark. Destructive bowling with 2 monster wickets, and 2 maidens!

Tour drink – a pint of Steptoe Ale

J Escariot Declined to bat, instead focusing on blistering opening spell and 2 wickets. Eyes were totally out of focus due to excessive playing of space invaders for previous 24 hours.

Tour drink – Pints of Human Blood

STAPLEFIELD 157 (Vorster 41, Barker 31)

NITON 158-8 (DT 2-6, Bradders 2-14)

TOOTHLESS PERFORMANCE

TOUR MATCH vs. ARRETON, Sunday

J Escariot Blatted some quick runs with trademark yahoo occasionally making contact. Late purchase of ‘£1 shop’ panama hats avoided considerable fines, but only just. Rather dangerous bowling, even on an artificial pitch.

Mutation rating – 3/10 – Fools! You are all the mutants!

V Minder Excessive celebration as usual when off the mark. Still working as drinks co-ordinator without the help of an assistant, although this was still no excuse for his opening partner going 20 minutes with an empty glass. Was particularly disturbed while filming the continual ‘groin touching’ of LadyBoycs.

Mutation rating – 8/10 – Hair loss, say no more

M Love Skipper for the day. Only made us take 26 wrong turns on way to ground. Batted in traditional no. 3 spot. First ball, big swing and an edge that flies past a stationary Bubbles at first slip (fielding for oppo). Second ball was straight and you know what happened next – Timber! Set a precedent on tour by declaring and ensuring Shrubby and Leek missed out on the possibility of a duck. Definitely the worst keeper ever seen in SCC team with 28 over par score in just 20 overs. Just shocking.

Mutation rating – 2/10 – ‘Ya ma sa pus’

K Prawn Painful 15 runs and no boundaries. How did he get off the mark then? Entire day was spent trying to avoid doing things that would not lead him on the path to Gzehlka. Unfortunately had spent entire previous night offering Smirnoff Ice to all and sundry.

Mutation rating – 5/10 – Comb-over now same as pops

R T Bear Everyone’s life expectancy was halved on this trip. Steady 24 runs, and ‘aggrieved’ to be given out lbw by Tom. Got own back by similar decision on Lard (see below). Toilets remained positively un-inspected throughout whole tour. Costly.

Mutation rating – 8/10 - Breasts

Lard Selfish. 60 runs, but claimed he did not know how many he was on (from the man who counts every run) so could not ‘get meself out’. Bradders did the honours with an lbw that pitched on the edge of the artificial.

Mutation rating – 3/10 – Belly

Chunks Blistered feet still troubling him, but no excuse for dropping Zim off his first ball. We could all hear the strains of ‘Deliverance’ as he bowled. Self-confessed ‘love’ for Marie the Landlord would be disturbing were it not for his marital status. Many singles.

Mutation rating – 9/10 – Feet

Moormanator Spanking 17 runs prior to declaration. Was opposed to ‘setting up’ following batsmen for the fear of the duck. Never embarrassed in the field – but as red as ever.

Mutation rating – 10/10 – Red Men From Mars

GayLord ‘Fines Schmines’ he crowed at the start of the tour. How foolish these student peasants can be. One statement cost him £6. The Wheel and the Dice know the truth. Became the club’s top gay pornographic photographer the night before. After gargantuan show of strength drawing with Zim at arm-wrestling, batted like the ‘woos’ he really is. Also bowled like a total mincer.

Mutation rating – 7/10 – 7 feet tall, but 8 feet wide

Moosemanantor Did not bat! It beggars belief how Zim got away with it. His grin a mile wide was as much as ours when we knew he was driving us back rather than Tits. Gay request for ‘duelling banjos’ still has most of us rather confused.

Mutation rating – 5/10 – Mini-Shrubb always worrying

Porn Boy Also did not bat. Opened bowling for first and last time in his career. Standard of ‘reading material’ on tour was appalling – witness the lamentable ’40 Plus’.

Mutation rating – 6/10 – Bitch Tits

Fredder Confusing. Played some of the time for us. Umpired for us. Then bowled for us. The batted for them. Was a spectacular sight bowling in a Hannibal Lecter mask. Belligerent single nearly beheaded Zim at short point. Then attempted same slog off his son and was castled. Malhereusement.

Mutation rating – 1/10 – Je ne suis pas une mutante.

STAPLEFIELD 199-7 dec (Lee 60, Bacon 29)

ARSETOWN 165 (DT 3-8, CT 2-15, PB Tits 2-20)