Opened up
the innings with his trusty Newbery ‘Dot’ bat.
Two rain intervals meant he was still in duck territory after 75 mins
and 26 balls. A total of 77 balls and 117 minutes were needed for Captain
Bradders to rack up an amazing 22 runs.
A blistering start. When the oppo were 67-9, still insisted on giving out his
legendary morale boosting words, “we can win this boys”. Didn’t bowl John
Hibberd at all and then had the sheer bare faced cheek to charge him a fiver.
Nasty.
Rather more
relaxed now that he has kicked School Teaching into touch and taken up taxiing
Air Stewardesses, not to metion gay stewards, around Gatwick for 3 hours a day.
Dirty old man. Standard 19 runs with the bat and a couple of neat catches made
for solid fantasy point performance.
Trapped LBW
for the 3rd time this season. Had no grounds to grumble this time,
as he was given out by Hibbe Senior, a man who clearly knows the rules. Enjoyed
bowling on a classic Staplefield ‘bowler friendly’ track and snaffled a couple
of comfortable wickets. Was introduced to the new boy, Paul Osborn, in an
unorthodox manner …… Paul deciding that rather than a hand shake, he’d show off
the stud marks on his upper thigh instead.
Had a slight
tantrum after being given out caught behind, claiming that the loud ‘clicking’
noise was in fact the bat striking pad. A similar sort of noise as when a
cricket ball strikes Laurence King’s ribs. Disclosed that he has flown a plane
unsupervised. He’ll be beating those air stewards off with a shitty stick when
he finally qualifies as a Captain.
Mr Floyer
Sir the 2nd, in other words another new recruit poached from Ansty 1st
XI. A decent batsman indeed, but boy can he talk a good game. A couple of
quotes spring to mind:
“Come on
Pikey, it’s time to get the Horlicks on”
“Lets see if
he’s got any more than one shot”
“Take the
pin out”
“He’s got
figures like Karen Carpenter, a bit skinny”
“Look at
those stud marks on my thigh. Played footy this morning, thought I was playing
rugby. Must be f-in mad”.
Was on the
wrong end of a dodgy LBW decision. Given by the opposition Umpire who on
arrival at the ground exclaimed “I’m half blind, can barely see a thing”, then
walked off into the Home dressing room to get changed. Bowled a pile of shite
and managed to picked up 3 wickets without conceding a run. Bloody South
Africans.
Moormanated
11 runs with the bat in usual unique style. Twisted his leg when fielding and
diagnosed himself as having ‘torn knee ligaments’. Has prescribed himself a
course of 3 pints of Stella after each meal until it all clears up.
Played a
glorious lofted cover drive for 4 and then was caught out by an extraordinary
caught & bowled effort. When your lucks down. Couple of wickets with the
ball though helped to erase some of the nightmare memories of his disastrous
performance the previous week.
Decided to
play in a ‘duck egg blue’ coloured shirt instead of the traditionally favoured
white and still managed to look camp despite his new American Psycho Killer
hair cut. A cheeky little not out with the bat, a classic leg spinners wicket
and a blinding catch helped to mask his clothing faux pas. Not yet decided if
he’s going to buy matching blue cricket pants and socks for next year’s tour.
When asked
by his team mates whether he was injured (due to not bowling), he replied, “no,
BUT I’M DEFINITELY HURT. HURT FOR NOT BEING ASKED TO BOWL.”
Took 2 wickets clean bowled. Nice. After the match, the oppo skipper enquired as to whether she regularly takes wickets. She replied nonchalantly with a shrug of the shoulders “just 1 or 2 a game”. Once an Australian, always an Australian.