“I NEVER GET CREAMED” – Pike

The Club Match – 25^th September 2004

Player	Highlights J	Lowlights L
Barry Dance	2 perfectly good LBW shouts against Tony Pugh which were, astonishingly, turned down.	Now owns (& wears) a knee brace which stinks more than James Hegarlty’s. Now has more piercings than the Tanners dartboard.
James Dermott	Showed pictures of his missus kissing another woman.	Had a spat with said missus after she said he couldn’t join in
Tom Barker	Got to 25 runs easily enough in the dreaded No.3 position.	Whinged about his leg. Whinged about his Dad. Whinged about his finance (lack off). Whinger then.
Mick Lee	Easy not out retiring score with the bat.	Several fielding cock-ups including a classic crocodile technique dropped catch. Still refusing to be amused about naming his daughter after the famous torch singer.
James Hegarty	Turned up to play.	Gave up his wicket sickeningly by giving an easy catch to his ‘catching partner’, Barker Snr. Sniggered all the way back to the pavilion. Sicko.
Steve Cooper	18 off 9 balls showed exactly how to bat in a Club Match. Dynamite spell with the ball. Why isn’t this man playing in the 1sts?	Picked the end of the season to impress the watching 1^st XI captain. Stupid boy. And that’s just the captain.
Jason Vorster	Catch of the day to remove the hapless Barker Snr. Hit his customary 6.	Bowling reminiscent of his performance against Ansty.
Christian Threader	Took the wicket of Ralph with much glee.	Came dressed as ‘Mad Max meets Val Doonican’.
John Hibberd	Nearly got ‘no-balled’ for bowling too fast.	Couldn’t put bat on ball for toffee.
Yvann Condon	Took the scalps of Barker Snr and Miller with consummate ease.	Was a bit Australian.
Liz Crouchman	Heroics behind the stumps using her ample bosom to prevent excess byes.	Crashed her car on the way home. Didn’t give out any team hugs.
Steve Miller	Top scored with a 50…….	…. but at a snails pace. Bowled by a girl for the 2^nd time this season. Showed petulance after Kiwi took the piss out of him for being bowled by a girl.
Nick Mercado	Demonstrated some unique slap shots in a solid batting display.	Continued to wear the duck egg blue shirt. Now assuming act of stupidity of Pike-like proportions
Tony Pugh	Slated Pikey about his poor bowling performances. Narrowly avoiding 2 LBW decisions. Gave an exhibition in wicket keeping.	Only made 4 runs despite being handed 2 lives. Still that’s 4 more than usual.
Mark Floyer	None. Didn’t even stay for a beer.	Being caught out by the worst fielder on display – Mick Lee. Minus fantasy points cost PB Tits the Fantasy League.
Peter Bradbury	Unselfishly threw his wicket away after reaching 25.	Took f***ing ages to get to 25. Usual leg side pies.
Kevin Moorman	Played on through intense pain despite self diagnosis of chronic ligament damage.	Needn’t have bothered.
Steve Barker	Organised “last catch” betting, raking off the profits as usual.	Only made 1 run before being snared by a girl.
James Ralph	Wore a perfumed England shirt with pride after losing a bet because ENGLAND THRASHED AUSTRALIA.	Never any lowlights, not with that hair style. Plenty of highlights though.
Dave Ross	Not afraid to give the ball plenty of air, even in a club match.	Fielded in the rain without his umbrella.
Mark Cheeseman	Lightning hobbling about the field.	Golden Duck. Bowled. Disastrous. Get this man on Tour.
Mark Shrubb	Kept Tony Pugh at the crease with a masterful, if a little dodgy, umpiring display.	Kept moaning and whingeing about some poxy little bruise on his poxy little finger. Refused to umpire in the rain. Wussy.
Paul Shrubb	Bought drinks in Tanners after arriving late.	Still prefers football to the beautiful game.