“I’VE NEVER FOLLOWED THROUGH” – JAMES RALPH

 

Sunday XI v Cuckfield (away) 19th Sept 2004

 

Pikey is unavailable as he’s required for Crawley Council’s team in the knock-out final. By a bizarre coincidence, this game is also being played at Cuckfield! Much hilarity for us as Pikey realizes we have the 1st XI pitch and they are on the 2nd despite the greater ‘status’ of the Crawley game.

 

The Webmaster (aka Richard Webster) is a late replacement as Gaz cries off on Sat pm, claiming to not understand that ‘Gaz The Human Volcano’ on the team sheet alluded to him. Oh really? How many other Gary’s that wear cheap Arsenal imitation strip shirts with orange shorts and play for Staplefield can you think of Gaz?

 

Player

Highlights J

Lowlights L

Papa Barker

Smart stumping off the military medium of Limahl plus a catch off Splasher

Missed stumping dwarfed by his duck in the 3rd over. Forgot he was no longer a Teacher & told off Mr Floyer, Sir (who, ironically is still a Teacher) for throwing the ball to the ‘wrong end’.

Tits

Scored more runs than Watford

Another LBW, this time by Meccano. Showed complete lack of control when pouring ½ lager into a pint glass in bar afterwards. Almost fell for Splasher’s advice that he should treat his cricket bat with vinegar over the winter.

Zim

Scored more runs than Watford . Hit their West Indian quickie onto the pavilion roof – comfortably the highest smashed tile on view

Failed to bat for any length of time when his team needed ‘an innings’. Almost wept when he found out Steve was given the wicket keeping honour in front of him.

Windy

Scored more runs than Watford  with a smart 43 in the middle order

Whinged and whined about batting number three – dropped to number four, it probably made about 30 seconds difference

Mr Floyer Sir

Scored more runs than Watford. Man of the match performance with 2 for 32 and 66.

Avoided a couple of catching opportunities in the deep.

The Webmaster

Only in the bar afterwards

A duck meant he failed to score more runs than Watford. Repeatedly kept cocking up the scorebook. He’s no Yvann.

Meccano

Two (expensive) wickets & reveled in telling everyone how good those deliveries were.

A duck meant he failed to score more runs than Watford. Standard punishment for giving Skipper out LBW ie having to copy up scorebook after the game. Still persisting in wearing that duck egg blue shirt.

McStavros

Took advantage of promotion to number 8 by scoring more runs than Watford including a spanking four through midwicket. Aye tha’s no wuntin’ to be roonin’ tae mach ye ken, ah dinna mind a single or tae but only if ah’m battin’ mon

Och sheeeeet nae

Nabob

Scored more runs than Watford. Tidy spell of seven overs for 29 runs but alas it’s a non-fer. Wore a classic ‘Ray Funnell’ 1930’s bankers shirt.

Shamefully blocked out last two overs when only 16 needed – failed to go and support his son when not involved in game

Limahl

Scored more runs than Watford. Claimed a wicket thanks to smart stumping by the aforementioned. Made a bet with Splasher over the result of England-Oz in the ICC semi involving the wearing of partisan shirts then revealed he won’t actually be playing – a cunning stunt

Shamefully blocked out last two overs when only 16 needed. Failed to bring sufficient funds to pay student match fee of £3.

Failed to take an easy c&b – his explanation of this failure is contained in the  headline. Has started to grow a beginners beard.

Splasher

Big grin as he was given the new ball and the slope and discovered that Cuckfield had messed around with their batting order so it was rabbit stew for starters

Dropped two ‘sitters’ including a c&b chance, spent another afternoon whining about his finger, it’s a repeat performance of his ‘effort’ against Burgess Hill last year, see Diet 9.4 – hid down the order thereby costing us the match and failed to score more runs than Papa Barker

Pike

Won the cup

Gutted as he realizes no-one – including his pops – is going to bother coming over to support him

 

Cuckfield 177-9

 

Bowling

Mr Floyer Sir            10-2-32-2

Splasher                  8-3-23-3

Meccano                 8-0-51-2

Limahl                      5-1-16-1

Nabob                      7-2-29-0

Zim                          5-0-23-1

 

Catches Lim; Zim; Windy; Watford

Stumping              Watford

 

Batting

PB Tits                     lbw          2

Watford                   c&b          Quack

Zim                          c&b          15

Windy                      c              43

Mr Flayer Sir            c              66

The Webmaster       b              Quack

Meccano                 lbw          Quack

Davross                  c              9

Nabob                      not out     2

Lima                         not out     2

Splasher                  dnb

                               

Total                                        164

 

MATCH DRAWN