YOU F****R, YOU F****R, YOU F****R, YOU F****R

Sunday XI vs. Crawley Falcons, 18^th July

Cliff Bacon

Stand in Captain for the day and a Captain with a unique method & style. Is clearly a Captain from the school of giving everybody a game (which is an exemplary quality), but also a Captain with all the tactical acumen of the Iraqi Army. Provided us with another “Colemanesque” performance behind the timbers, but made up for the dropped catches & bye concessions with a sparkling and brutal 50 with the bat finishing being bowled off his back. It was a bizarre 50 celebration. He didn’t salute his applauding team mates with a raise of the bat, but instead gave them a little gay wave and a cute ‘cooooey’. Had stern but fair words to say to one of the oppo’s 7 year old sons …. “having your 2^nd cake are you? you f***ing little shit”.

Mark Shrubb

Made a complete prat of himself by appealing for an LBW decision when he had clean bowled the batsman. Weird. Got spanked for a huge 6 by Darren Croft. Worked hard to get to 36 runs with the bat (including a revengeful 6 off Darren Croft’s bowling) before being “Gazzered”. There is nothing quite so painful as being given LBW by Gary Ireland. Trudged back to the pavilion and had these choice phrases to share: “That bloke is a moron, I don’t normally get cross but that decision was ridiculous, I’m going for a cold shower to calm down”. He was still grumbling in the pub after the game. Deal with it pal, you were out.

Christian Hibberd

Only outfield player not to bowl. Sweet talked the skipper not to make him open the batting, so was given the dreaded Sunday No.3 berth. Dealt with this hammer blow by batting quite brilliantly for 33 before he was Moormanated. At a stage when Hibbe looked well set to win the game for us, he ended up on the receiving end of one of Revvin’s kamikaze runs. Christians analysis of Kev on his return to the pavilion: “You f****r you f****r, you f****r, you f****r, you f****r.

Jason Vorster

It was a fielding exhibition from our loveable tub of South African lard. 3 superb catches which we doubt will be bettered this season. Insisted on having gay glove touching sessions when batting with Hibbe Jnr. Why? Didn’t last long in the middle though, bashing a rapid 10 runs before holing out. His contribution to the post match pub discussion was to question the volume of Steve Barker’s nasal hair.

Mark Floyer

Finding out the hard way about Cliff’s catching abilities. By way of an apology after Cliff spilled a simple one, was given 1 extra over. Great, thanks. Came into bat in a pressure situation but could only muster a couple of runs before mis-timing a leg side stroke. Refused to give Cliff a straight answer to simple availability questions in the pub after the game. You would expect a Teacher to be brighter.

Kevin Moorman

Bowled pretty well considering he hadn’t bowled at all for the past few weeks and did well to keep the run rate in check. Fielded pretty well too. But it won’t be his bowling and fielding that he’ll be remembered for today. If there is one person in the Club you’d pay to watch bat, its this man. At a most crucial stage of the match, only needing about 4 an over to win off 10 or so overs and with Hibbe Jnr in fine form at the other end, all Kev had to do was to keep him company. What was to follow is hard to describe, or indeed believe. On crashing a leg side slap straight to short mid-wicket, Kev charges off wailing like a Banshee “YES YES YES YES”. Hibbe, in disbelief wimpers “noooooo”. Kev was having none of that and continued his 22 yard assault. Hibbe reluctantly stepped outside of his crease (fearing for his life) and was run out by somewhere between 16 and 17 yards. Next ball Kev spoons the ball up for an easy catch. Duck. Top work.

James Ralph

Bowling wasn’t as rewarding as it usually is for young golden arm which resulted in him suffering an emotional crises part way through an over. His request to the skipper to be removed from the attack was met with “I make the decisions round here, you’re not coming off”. Welcome to the macabre world of Skeletor. Clean bowled for naught with the bat. Certainly not a man for a crisis. Even when it’s an emotional one.

Gary Ireland

Dave Ross presented Gary with a 1980 reprint of his 1951 book of Good Umpiring. This was not to be taken as encouragement to continue Umpiring. Cavalier batting when we had 1 wicket left kept everyone on the edge of their seats. No-one can accuse Gary of not being an entertainer. That he most certainly is. Courageous batting eventually secured us a deserved draw.

Dave Ross

In his own words, provided “The Mother of All Teas”. Have to say that no-one would have expected Tuna & Onion sandwiches in “The Mother of All Teas”, but they were there none-the-less. Provided plenty of Occchhh Shiiiiits throughout the day much to everyone’s enjoyment. Fielded like an athlete. A maimed athlete.

Christian Threader

One week at the top of the order, the next at the bottom. Today was argument for the bottom. Couldn’t hide his anguish at being caught out by Darren Croft. Dealt with Cliff’s availability question by replying “No, no, no way man, never”. He then popped on his knee pads and skateboarded off home. Wicked.

Yvann Condon

Bowled with precision and fielded with all the grace of a girl. Her scorebook maintenance continues to impress giving everybody endless opportunity to play ‘guess how many balls he faced’ type quizzes in the pub after the game. Lionheart batting, even when Gazza was calling her through for reckless 2’s, earned us a valuable draw.

POST MATCH “WHAT DOES THE ‘S’ STAND FOR ON

GREG’S SWEATER?”

Cliff	Shoulder Man
Pike	Super Man
Zim	Shazzer
Dross	Shiiit, Occch or Sexy or Strap-a dick-to-me
Revvin	Single, quick
Hibbe Jnr	Shit
Yvann	Square Cut (only shot he can play)
Shrubb	S “liar”
Ralph	Strap-on