DROPPED CATCHES AND DROPPED GUTS

Saturday 1^st XI v Roffey III, 10^th July

Steve Barker

Announced his arrival with a fart of elephant proportions and proceeded to tear-off many many more throughout the day, Zim copping the brunt of most of it whilst being posted at 1^st slip. Steve’s excuse? “A late curry blended with a few Speckled Hen’s”. As for his cricketing performance, back to something like his old self with a solid 39 batting at No.1. Wicket keeping had room for improvement, spilling a couple of chances. Looked to blame the rain, but on closer inspection his gloves were bone dry.

Mark Shrubb

Bowled 5 overs without pulling, tweaking, snapping, bruising, straining or niggling anything. Remarkable. Badgered Pikey to let him bowl at the 12 year old left hander and duly snaffled him up c & b. Yeah wow, well done mate. At last produced something meaningful with the bat, scoring 51.

Mark Floyer

Newly named ‘The Flying Floyer’ by James Ralph after a stunning catch at gulley. Name was quickly removed after putting a simpler catch down shortly afterwards. Steered the batting ship home with a composed unbeaten 18. Suspicions have been aroused that he may be the reincarnation of Mark Daly as he often arrives for matches already dressed in his whites and has that kind of vagabond, lived in look about him.

Jason Vorster

Fielded a bit like Papa Barker, dropping and taking catches everywhere. Zim can be excused though as he had to endure the wrath of Papa Barker’s arse for the best part of 2 and a half hours in the field. A weaker man would have ended up in Crawley General. Batted like a bit of a plonker, almost being caught 1^st ball and then being caught & bowled 2^nd ball.

Giles Thornton

Outstanding in the field, but a bit shit with the bat. Put a difficult chance down, but took a brilliant catch at deep square leg to remove their danger man. Ran himself out like a real amateur. Basic rule of calling for a run is to not shout “go, go, go, go, go”. Giles, if you’re wondering, it’s because is sounds a tad like “no, no, no, no, no”.

Christian Threader

Bowled tidily again and deservedly avoided another non-fer. Spent most of the time in the field collapsed on all fours beating the ground with his fist as chance after chance was missed. His tea time Captain’s Team Pep Talk consisted of gathering Messrs Barker Snr, Shrubb, Floyer & Vorster together and saying “well, you’re the only 4 batsmen we’ve got so you’ll have to get 25% of the runs each”. This surprised everybody. Not because it was a declaration of panic with a weakened batting line up, but because his maths was surprisingly accurate.

Tom Barker

Announced his arrival with a fart of Sumo proportions, clearing the changing room in just under 1.7 seconds. Bowled surprisingly well for a change, grumbling away just like daddy does throughout his 12 over spell in the rain. Claimed that he wasn’t worried at all about being next into bat when we looked in a little danger of not reaching their total. His arse told a different story. A story of being petrified.

James Ralph

Made several enquiries about who Limahl was after seeing his ‘Separated at Birth’ in the Staple Diet, but conceded ‘it’s a pretty accurate likeness mate’. You’re not wrong. Managed to spill 1 catch in the field, but then came onto bowl and proceeded to mop up 3 wickets and effect an excellent run out. The bowling cup looks in serious danger of jetting out to Australia at the close of season. Still persisting in wearing those ridiculous white Dunlop pumps with white socks. Trust us, the English girls simply won’t melt when they clap eyes on that combo.

Tony Pugh

Amazed everyone by opening with a very accurate bowling spell. Deserved more than the none-fer he returned. Amused everyone by ‘dissing’ Steve behind the stumps with some choice words about his wicket keeping. Smoked an incredible 20 cigarettes during the course of the afternoon and at the end of the game headed off to dinner wearing his whites plus a pair of brown slip-ons. She must be one lucky lady.

Dave Threader

The only real benefit that Dave got out of the game was his son offering to pay his match fee. Not surprising given that he was asked to bat No.10 out of 10 and not given a chance to bowl. Time not wasted though, as we suspect he spent most of the day dreaming about unusual sex.