NABOB PULLS IT OFF WITH FIVE

Sunday XI v Rottingdean, 26^th Sept 2004

Player	Origins	Quote of the day
Papa Barker	Dug up perfectly preserved at a roman burial site near Watford Gap, nowadays the site of the first UK motorway service station.	“ I am awake thanks – tsk tsk, mumble, mumble, tosser etc etc” (see Alan Piolet)
Tits	Love child of a Hastings prostitute and Sussex property tycoon. Was adopted and taught the guitar by a deaf, dumb, blind man.	“We can win this boys” – after the fall of every wicket
Windy	Came to life when some stale pizza under a refrigerator was inadvertently mixed with a spilled can of lager then exposed to the radiation from 1000 hours of non-stop Sky soft porn channels	Too boring to repeat
Zim	Was brought up by chimpanzees on the banks of the Limpopo. Learnt to play cricket by whacking coconuts with crocodiles. Afterwards ate both the coconuts and the crocodiles thus accounting for his unfathomably large posterior.	“That’s the bowling cup gone” – as Meccano spills a catch
Pike	His mother and father were forced to improvise for their early love rendezvous’, Pikey was actually conceived in a BT phone box behind Crawley station.	“Thet’s the bowlin’ cup gern” – as Zim drops a catch
Meccano	A Robocop/Pinocchio-type cyber being, he was formed from his father’s old Meccano set before being built up with synthetic flesh and and a computerized brain unit. Unfortunately the programming is flawed, making Nick believe he can bowl leg spin whilst actually delivering at least one 4-ball per over	“I heven’t gurt to do thut, yer jokin mhun” This phrase was repeated several times during Meccano’s virgin tea, including 1.When asked where the milk was 2.When asked to unpack said tea 3.Washing up 4.Rubbish 5.Collecting tea money etc etc. Giving your skipper out LBW can be expensive.
Davross	Greek hammer thrower touring Scotland stops in an Aberdeen chip shop where he is served haggis ‘n chips with a side portion of kebab by the chip shop owner’s daughter. Result: McStavros	Och sheet, ah’ve fergetten mah umbrilla the noo ye ken ye daft Eeeengleeesh bampots ah’m nay gooin’ oot in the peeeeesin’ rain fer ye bunch o’ wee shee-yites
Cricket Girl	Australian – make your own up	Ditto
Alan Piolet	Another of PB Tits’ Ansty imports, Van Brad is now under surveillance by Interpol suspected of human trafficking	(Hurling the ball in to Papa Barker drowsing behind the timbers) “That’ll wake you up”
Nabob	Was grown in a laboratory in Croydon from a bump unearthed by a truffling pig in France. Subsequently brought up by two black boys who apparently taught Dave that it’s OK to be a new man and show your feelings, hence that memorable headline “Blackboys make Threader’s eyes water”.	To the opposing umpire as he comes on to bowl “I’m sorry if I smell, I forgot to wash this morning” “Sorry boys” as he delivers his first ball full toss “Lager, bitter or coke?” as he buys his jug