Sunday XI vs.
Southwick, 6th June
Biffa
Biggest contribution was taking topless photos of
Revvin – an unpleasant sight in both directions. Bored everyone rigid with explanations
of technical photography. We need an Eddie Parker comeback, that’ll shut him
up. Despite a stumping off Gaz, a colemanesque performance behind the timbers
was the principle reason we lost our unbeaten record off the last ball of the
game.
Tits
Lost the toss. Lost the plot by bringing on the wrong
bowlers at the wrong time which was the principle reason we lost our unbeaten
record off the last ball of the game.
Leek
Brought back from Espana in a desperate attempt to
shore up the Sunday batting. Scored only 2 which was the principle reason we
lost our unbeaten record off the last ball of the game.
Thornton’s
Toffee
Made his Sunday debut and looked to have the run
chase in hand as he racked up 21 classy runs. Then succumbed to a sucker ball
and was bowled which was the principle reason we lost our unbeaten record off
the last ball of the game.
Sir Lionel
Dramatically promoted up the order following his
previous Sunday outing (golden duck). Spanked 21 valuable runs but failed when
skipper Tits turned to him to buy a wicket, this was the principle reason we
lost our unbeaten record off the last ball of the game.
Rolf
Another Sunday debut. Like any other Ozzie, whinged
and whined about having to bat number 6 (instead of 7). Whinged and whined that
he was a bit tired from playing on Saturday and refused to bowl, this
selfishness undoubtedly was the principle reason we lost our unbeaten record
off the last ball of the game.
Floyer Jr
Yet another Sunday debut, this one from the offspring
of Mr Floyer Sir. Bowled a reasonable spell of the normal rubbish we expect
from any Floyer, his complete disregard for his father’s teaching over many
years was clearly the principle reason we lost our unbeaten record off the last
ball of the game.
Gaz
Bowled a spell of expensive off-breaks, bizarrely
lobbing it up at a time of containment in a desperate attempt to pick up
fantasy points. Batted like a maniac in a desperate attempt to pick up more
fantasy points. His obsession with not having a negative point match was
clearly the principle reason we lost our unbeaten record off the last ball of
the game.
Orange Tony
A seasonal debut for the orange one. Got into the
groove and bowled a demon spell of 12 overs, taking 3 wickets. However then had
to come off due to lack of sufficient fitness training over the winter break
and this selfishness and laziness on his part was clearly the principle reason
we lost our unbeaten record off the last ball of the game.
Pike
See Orange Tony.
Except it wasn’t his seasonal debut. And he only took 2.
Cricket
Girl
Bowled five very tidy overs. Kept the score book with
the neatness and obsession to detail of a typical cricket anorak. For God’s
sake, don’t anyone buy her a set of coloured pencils and individual Bill
Frindal score sheets. Was clean bowled by a perfectly straight ball, this was
the principle reason we lost our unbeaten record off the last ball of the game
as this was the last ball of the game.
Grig Fulfilled the Staple Diet prediction
that he would turn up at every game and demonstrate he can’t lift his right arm
above shoulder height. Insisted on umpiring and his failure to call sufficient
no-balls and wides at crucial moments was the principle reason we lost our
unbeaten record off the last ball of the game.
Mr Floyer
Sir Claimed he
wasn’t available and press-ganged his teenage son into playing. Then
inexplicably turned up in a very gay-looking T-shirt ‘n shorts combination and spent almost the
entire afternoon watching. This bizarre behaviour was undoubtedly the principle
reason we lost our unbeaten record off the last ball of the game.
Southwick 131-7
(Orange Tony 12-4-21-3, Pike 13-5-21-2)
Staplefield 108 all
out (Toffee 21, Revvin 21)
Match
lost by 23 runs (off the last ball in case you didn’t know)