Sunday XI v Ansty II, 19th June
Pre Match
Happenings
Ø It was a 3
way Shirts Off Man Boob pre match net session between Biffa, Vorster &
Miller with Miller just edging it with a pair resembling a couple of cricket
balls stuffed down two old socks. Skipper Tits refuses to participate as he
doesn’t want ‘to put the others to shame’.
Ø In Moorman’s
absence, Davross fails to apply enough sun cream to his head (even though it’s
free!).
Ø Hottest day
of the year so far and we have to field as Bradbury predictably loses the toss
– he immediately posts himself at 1st slip where he will remain
throughout the afternoon claiming continuing ‘dodgy knee’.
Ø It’s the 40
over Ron Johnson Trophy Match. Only a handful of people realise this.
Ø Floyer again
parks his car on the square leg boundary – will it require a ball through his
window before he learns?
Ø Avocado
meets Dodgy for the first time …. it’s Nick & Bob, SCC’s latest comedy due
is born.
1st
Innings – Staplefield Field
Ø Dodgy Bob concedes
just 5 runs off his opening 4 over spell. He is taken off and promised another
go at the end by the Skipper. This promise will be broken.
Ø Windy Miller
also has a tight opening spell before being taken off and promised another go
at the end by the Skipper. This promise will be broken.
Ø Avocado is
the pick of the bowlers with figures of 4 - 19 off 8. For the first time in his
career, he quite rightly refused to celebrate one of his wickets managing
somehow to bowl Bradder’s neighbour with a wide leg side long hop which the
hapless bat hits onto his stumps via his foot. Last 2 overs are crap in a
classic piece of jug avoidance. Promises he will buy one anyway for last week’s
50. This promise will be broken.
Ø As the
afternoon temperature soars upwards, so do Davross’ trousers. For every degree
warmer it got, Davross raised his trousers another inch till they’re knee high
– not a pretty sight.
Ø More
disastrous for Davross was that he was asked to bowl. This meant removal of his
cap (a BP petrol cap which cost him approx. 430 Nectar points) thus exposing
his un-creamed pate. Four overs later that head was looking like a cross
between Revvin and the Chernobyl reactor core. Picked up a couple of wickets
though.
Ø Mark “The
Doff” Floyer, an Ansty resident amazingly finds himself bowling against both
his neighbours for Ansty’s 4th wicket. In the interests of community
relations he doesn’t get either of them out, although he does take a
wicket.
Ø Meanwhile
the curse of the Fielding Cup continues for Zim as he puts down a 40 fantasy
point caught & bowled chance, his 5th straight Sunday drop.
Fortunately he recovers with an expert diving chance at point to regain some
dignity.
Ø Flett has an
excellent day in the field snaffling a steepler down at long-off, taking 1 for
3 off 3 and collecting a run out (with help from Windy) for the tenth wicket.
It’s official, Flett is much better than Ralph.
Ø Yvann,
ordered by Daddy to bowl two, two over spells due to the onset of shin-splints,
picks up a clean bowled.
Ø Tony
“Clifford” Coleman makes his comeback dropping three catches, missing a couple
of stumpings, conceding loads of byes, not standing where he should be at
anytime and using his feet to kick the ball rather than pick it up. He does
collect one stumping though, off Mr Floyer Sir.
Ø Councillor
Bradbury threw some grenades down returning his best figures since the Dorset
Tour of 1998 (1-0-7-0).
Ø Splasher
refused to bowl claiming it was “too hot”. He might as well have been wearing a
skirt.
Ø Ansty all
out on the last ball of the 40 for 138. Staplefield use 9 bowlers.
Tea
Ø It was a
Splasher tea which meant that according to Bradbury’s new ruling, he got to
choose his batting berth. Being the only outfield player not to bowl, surely he
would open. Nope. The coward hid himself down at No.5. Disgusting.
Ø Davross’
tea-time intake was half a glass of cold water and 2 Nurofen, explaining ‘they
Anadeen in yon furst eed box, therrrre nae strung enuff the noo for me laddie,
och nae, d’ya nae ken it’s reet wurm oot thur the noo’ etc etc.
Ø The front
falls off the middle kitchen drawer.
2nd
Innings – Staplefield Bat
Ø Our run
chase is started by Cliff “Tony Coleman” Bacon and Pete “Councillor” Bradbury.
In a bizarre role reversal, Bradders swings and misses regularly, making 12 all
in boundaries while Biffa prods and pokes his way to 20.
Ø Windy Miller
accepts the perilous No.3 slot making 10 before succumbing to a brilliant
caught & bowled effort.
Ø Dodgy Bob
calmly secures an average boosting 29 not out to help see us home.
Ø Splasher
hits a rapid 49 to take the Staplers to within a sniff of victory but holes out
1 run short in another classic piece of jug avoidance. Apparently, if he knew
he was on 49 he wouldn’t have tonked one straight down long-on’s throat. Yeah
right.
Ø Zim steps
out at No.6 to finish things off hitting a maximum off his 1st ball
faced, only manages a 2 off his 2nd.
Ø The Staplers
win by 6 wickets with 10 overs to spare. Ansty haven’t brought the cup so
present Van Brad with a pint of Carlsberg and slim panatela instead.
Post Match
Happenings
Ø Davross
glows like a beacon and looks forward to an evening of calamine lotion
application and working out how to attach himself through a heat exchanger to
the Ross residence hot water system.
Ø Apparently
the RJT itself contains Ron’s ashes and if you add water he will miraculously
spring back to life. No-one wanted to do this as the highlights of England
beating Australia were on and we simply didn’t have enough time to sit through
one of his stories.
Ø A tearful
Ozzie moment ensued, surprisingly it wasn’t over the Oz cricket results against
Bangledesh (Sat) or England (Sun) but a realisation between Flett and Condon
Snr that the latter’s imminent emigration to Deutschland meant they’d never see
each other again. You’d think it would have been a moment of rejoicing…….