PARTY POOPERS

 

Sunday XI v Ashurst, 17th July

 

Things of pre-match interest

1.        This match was supposed to be against Horsted Keynes, but Horsted Keynes had to play a cup match and we only heard about this through the grapevine.

2.        Davross arranges a pick up fixture away versus St Peter’s BHD. Subsequent investigation reveal this will involve playing in Preston Park on the same day and at the same venue as Party In The Park. An event attended by 20,000 14 year old girls - fortunately Hegarlty’s not playing.

3.        Sussex Police warn people not to drive to Preston Park due to the very large anticipated crowds, lack of parking and serious congestion. Several concerned team members email Councillor Bradbury expressing their apprehension.

4.        Meanwhile Davross forgets to remove us from the fixture bureau listing despite agreeing to play St Peter’s BHD.

5.        Saturday afternoon, Ashurst’s opponents (Poynings) pull out of their long-arranged Sunday fixture.

6.        Ashurst desperately look for suitable opposition on the fixture bureau. There they find a team called Staplefield.

7.        Ashurst ring Staplefield and Van Brad and Davross agree the fixture.

8.        Captain Van Bradbury notifies St Peter’s BHD that we will no longer be coming to play them because of the ‘police warnings’.

9.        St Peter’s are not amused – their skipper berates Tits claiming to have spent “£35 on pitch preparation and £75 on a tea”. Even Davross’s ‘Mother Of All Teas’ cost less than that.

10.     Captain Van Bradbury is in no mood for small talk negotiation and hangs up.

 

Things of interest during the 1st Innings when The Staplers bat

1.        Skipper Van Bradbury agrees a 40 over match. Yeah look at the result, like it’s going to make any difference.

2.        Captain Brad and Watford Barker are the opening pair. No-one else is notified of their batting position until Pete & Steve are on their way to the middle. This doesn’t amuse Number 3 & 4, Splasher & Dodgy, especially as the latter has to change and keep the scorebook simultaneously.

3.        Having been given the gloves for the day, Van Brad informs Cliff he is in the No.8 berth to ‘give everyone a game’. The sulk begins.

4.        Captain Van Brad employs his new found cavalier batting methods and rides a little luck on his way to 18.

5.        Watford has to fend off a few nasty deliveries before finally succumbing to one which ‘spits off a length’ (he claims).

6.        Splasher fails to consider the match situation and slashes at a very wide one – caught behind.

7.        Dodgy Bob looks in reasonable nick, but falls in unfortunate fashion to a ball which nipped back off his thigh pad and onto the bails.

8.        Chris Thomas makes his Sunday debut and will be wearing a few medals after taking several body blows (partly due to a poor pitch, partly due to his ‘technique’). Not having played for 20 years, he offers lack of recent experience as an excuse for his ‘technique’. The fool!

9.        Dan gets an unexpected promotion to No.6 in the order and looked at ease pulling one shot expertly to the rope for four. However his lack of height encourages the Ashurst skipper to take himself off and put on a dolly bowler for Dan’s benefit. This actually turns out to be for Zim’s benefit.

10.     Zim entertains the fans royally cracking 26 runs off 5 balls (three sixes & two fours). One maximum clears a massive oak tree and the road before ending up somewhere in someone’s back garden. However fails to consider the match situation and 6th ball is bowled off a slow, straight one. Now there’s a surprise.

11.     Cliff comes in No.8 and bats like a man in a prolonged sulk. No calling. No running between the wickets. For once, considers the match situation. Tries to protect ASBO by hitting two sumptuous drives to long-off and refusing the single before holing out to the same place. Out for naught. The fool!

12.     Avocado is livid as Cliff won’t take any runs. He loses his rag, tries to hit out but being South African only succeeds in spooning a simple catch to point. Gibbs my arse, grow the hair back sonny.

13.     Luke cracks a sweet lofted straight drive back over the bowlers head for four, but fails to consider the match situation, goes for one big shot too many and is caught for five.

14.     ASBO is left stranded on nought as he can only watch Cliff’s buffoonery from the non-strikers end. At least it was a nought not out.

15.     Dodgy Bob spends 15 minutes at the end of our innings trying to rectify Cliff’s scorebook errors. He’s got maore chance of finding vegetarian items in a Mercado tea. He can’t get us past 137 runs.

 

Things of interest during the tea interval

1.        Sandwiches were served “open”. Bread slices cut into quarters with the fillings (including cheese & marmite combo) lobbed onto the top Nacho style. Interesting.

2.        The sulk continues as Cliff announces that he doesn’t want to keep wicket.

 

Things of interest during the 2nd Innings when the Staplers field

1.        Splasher opens the bowling for the first time in 7 years. Takes two wickets but is cracked for 6 over deep mid-wicket trying to bowl one of those “well disguised … not” slower balls.

2.        The sulk continues further as Cliff fails to make any effort to take a catch.

3.        More annoyance for Avocado as the brooding Skeletor launches a wild guided missile type throw between Papa and Tits for 4 over-throws. Subsequently harangues the pair for lack of effort.

4.        Avo at extra cover also sees his chances of winning the fielding cup disappear when he drops a dolly. Claims the sun was in his eyes even though it was over midwicket at the time. You work it out.

5.        Watford is not impressed by some of ASBO’s less accurate deliveries and lets off one of his famous verbal volleys of abuse. ASBO couldn’t care less as he claims his first Staplefield wicket, clean bowling their batsman and breaking the stump. ASBO is delirious and cries “Ave some of thaaaaat”. Not appropriate at the best of times, especially not when the oppo are 120-3 chasing 137 with 18 overs to spare.

 

Things of post-match interest at the pub

1.        ASBO decides that wearing his white shirt unbuttoned to the navel is the way forward. It didn’t work for Tony Coleman and it doesn’t work here.

2.        Splasher takes a tirade of personal abuse about his hirsuteness. His hairy arms copping most of the gags. Teen Wolf seemed to be the favourite name of the moment, but will it stick?

3.        Cliff announces that it’s not fair to wicket keep and only bat No.8 as “you don’t get much of a game when you wicket keep”. A view which is unlikely to be shared by anyone else in the world.

4.        Cliff announces that he will only play next week as long as he can bat higher than No.8. and if he can’t, he’s going to take his ball home with him. This may seem churlish, childish even but there’s method in his madness. Cliff’s now guaranteed to be batting at number 11 for the rest of the season – just before the tour weekend? Are you getting it yet?

 

Staplefield 137 all out off 30 overs   Ashurst 141 for 4