RETCHUP IS THE NEW BOYCS
Saturday XI v Bolney, 16th
July
Steve Barker
Occasionally
removed his cap to expose his increasingly buffed head whilst keeping. Many
byes in a Coleman-esque fashion, but surprisingly frisky when Tom was bowling.
Given out caught behind for a third duck of the season (a personal record) but
it didn’t sound very wooden.
Fitness
rating: 5
Jack Wheeler
His
debut innings did not bring the standard duck, although 3 was less than we
would have expected given net performance. Gave an extraordinary fielding
display, stopping one that hit him and meandering around the ball the rest of
the time with a succession of flops, late dives and shrugs. His nickname may be
‘Toffee’, because he can’t field for it.
Fitness
rating: 3
Mick Lee
A
rare visit to Sussex saw his waistline even wider than imaginable. Shrugged off
arriving late to refuse even a bowl, preferring fielding in the shade. Good
stops when the ball was hit at him, but lack of athleticism in the field
rendered little else reachable. Also suffered massive cramp attack brought on
by sitting down. Top scored with 37, but that wasn’t saying much.
Fitness
rating: 1
Steve Miller
A
series of banana deliveries earned him three early wickets, before he was
despatched into a neighbouring field. Held one vital catch but managed to spoon
one to gully to end his fun.
Fitness
rating: 7
Cliff Bacon
Up
and down in the field – caught one that lasered at his face, and sauntered
after a few others. Spent most of their innings discussing breast-feeding and
prams with Mick, his face looking increasingly ashen. Circumspect beginning to
his innings was matched by circumspect middle and circumspect end. In between
aimed some wild twats at the ball which sometimes connected.
Fitness
rating: 5
Luke Cooper
Promotion
in the order was greeted with a resounding boundary, which was part of an
unfortunately short but entertaining innings. Whippet-like in the field, and
pulled off one impressive run out assisted by Papa Barker.
Fitness
rating: 9.5
Nick Mercado
The
blue-and-white stripe bowling was not in evidence today. Going for over 80
again, he kept one end going however, and swept up 4 wickets. Looking
increasingly less like Hershelle Gibbs every day. A brave defensive knock of 27
served to boost his inflated average ever more.
Fitness
rating: 6
Tom Barker
Fiery
opening spell, but pulled himself off early to avoid getting a thrashing on a
hot day. Saved all his energies for a superb rearguard effort, batting at
number 8, he knew what was behind him. His scorebook read – dot, dot, dot, dot,
dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot,
dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, single (the last one was the last ball of the
match). Don’t ever let him nag you for slow scoring.
Fitness
rating: 4
Mark Cheesman
Excited
at prospect of being number 9, but didn’t get a chance to get his first run of
the season. Settled for four very tidy overs at the death for just 10 runs –
have we discovered a new death bowler. Ball got up so high they couldn’t see
it. Subject of first cheese-related gag of the season – ‘”Come on Cheesy, get
‘em to have a dip”.
Fitness
rating: 2
Dan Cooper
Sprightly
in the field, embarrassing many of his older and wider team-mates. Still saving
up for his own kit, and anxious to have a bat a last for SCC. He is still
waiting.
Fitness
rating: 9
Dave Threader
Notched
yet another DNB and glad to pull himself level with Yvann in that particular
contest. Was bowling admittedly ‘pants’ and Mick was due to replace him when
grasped a wicket off his final ball, and stayed on to complete an improved
spell.
Fitness
rating: 3