RAMS SPREAD-EAGLED BY MISSING FALCONS

 

Sunday XI v Crawley Eagles, 5th June

Pre-Match Report

·          Southwick inform Fixture Secretary Davross they are unable to play on 5th June

·          Davross posts a vacancy on the Emergency Fixture Bureau

·          Davross contacts Sunday Skipper PB Tits informing him that we have had a response from Crawley Falcons who want to accept the fixture. However Davross informs Tits that they have billed themselves as ‘medium-strong’ and is concerned there may be a mismatch.

·          Tits confidently instructs Davross to go ahead and confirm the fixture, commenting, ‘we normally get the better of them and we’ve got a decent side out, I’m sure we’ll beat them’.

·          Saturday evening Tits arrives home to urgent messages from Splasher, Pike, Papa Barker, Uncle Tom Cobley and all informing him that Crawley Falcons state they are playing someone else on Sunday, definitely not us.

·          Tits contacts Davross and asks him to investigate.

·          Davross contacts oppo and then phones Tits stating ‘Och aye sorry tha noo Pe’ur, it’s nae theyse Crawley Falcons bampots, nae laddie, it’ll be them Crawley Eagles yer’ll be pliyin’, dinna ye wurry yersel, the game’s definitely on, oh aye it is ah reet’ aye.

·          Tits contacts Papa Barker to assure him the game is on. There is an unusual prolonged silence from the bearded one when Tits asks him if he knows who Crawley Eagles are. They turn out to be an Asian team who play in the Invitation League. Oops!

·          Saturday 11pm, Windy hears the news and phones Tits pulling out with a ‘bit of a bruised foot’.

·          Sunday 10am , Avocado hears the news and phones Tits pulling out with a ‘bit of a bruised hand’.

Nick Avocado’s Tea Report

An interesting spread, completely devoid of cake but heavily subsidised with pork based offerings (cocktail sausages, ham sandwiches, sausage rolls). A tea, which broke pretty much every rule of The Koran, was an unusual choice considering the opposition. The South African sense of humour is a unique one – especially when you’re absent.

Bowling/Fielding Report

They made 241/8, approximately 70 runs more than was absolutely necessary against a Sunday afternoon village side. It was entertaining though. The curse of the fielding cup returns to haunt Zim, as our gay muscle man spills three catches throughout the afternoon. Councillor Bradbury, operating with only one knee (can anybody see a trend developing between Jan’s husbands?) drops a straight forward chance, but holds on to two more difficult ones. Pikey takes four wickets, but concedes the same amount of sixes. Dodgy Bob picks up a couple of wickets but is despatched to the boundary more often than not. Frank gets carted around, including three maximums and entertains everyone with some calamitous fielding. Revvin is hit twice for six on his way to figures of 1/49 off seven. Zim fares slightly worse going for eight an over off three and Splasher gets mauled conceding 10 an over off his four, including three big ones. The young Cooper brothers were protected from having to bowl for their own good & safety and the Captain and his VC just hid.

Batting Report

Batting wasn’t much better. Biffa Bacon, once again clearly batting by numbers, pre-empted the wrong ball to have a slog at and was clean bowled. Papa Barker was clean bowled misjudging the bounce. Pikey, promoted to no.three because he had to go home early (a good shout considering the look of thunder on his Mrs’ face) did a reasonable job before wafting loosely and thin edging behind. Zim looked in good touch, blatting four fours and a max before succumbing to the usual swing & miss off a straight one. Dodgy Bob collected the only duck of the day thanks to Cliff’s unique umpiring talents, being adjudged LBW when the ball was high enough to have cleared another set of stumps. Splasher looked at ease hitting 10 runs off the first over he faced but then chipped one tamely to mid-wicket. Luke played his signature bosh over mid-wicket on his way to three, Revvin did his usual cross bat swipe at a straight one and missed, Dan amassed a creditable nine runs, including a four, Frank capped a miserable day being bowled for two and Councillor Bradbury sneakily slipped himself in at No.11 to gain a not out. All in all, a pile of sh*te.

Motoring Report

Special mention must go to Davross for missing the match because he wanted to spend some quality time with his car. Although he did spend it on Staplefield Common. And shared the experience with Mrs Ross.

Score Report

Crawley Eagles 241 for 8

Staplefield 92 all out

Lost by quite a lot