YVANN CRAWLS, BIFFA CRAWLS, SPLASHER CRAWLS

 

Sunday XI vs Chipstead & Coulsdon 11th September

 

Pre-Match Stuff

§          The previous Sunday, Yvonne (?) proudly tells skipper Tits she won’t be available for this match as she ‘will be playing for Sussex’. Questioned on her allegiance, she leaves the team in no doubt that the Sussex match is a far higher priority.

§          The next day the hapless Ozette discovers she has been ditched by Sussex and sends Tits a grovelling email pleading for her place back.

§          Skeletor comes close to wiping out his skipper at Cuckfield roundabout on the way to the match. This generates joke of the day in the post-match drinks session (see below).

§          Papa Barker and Doffman both withdraw over the weekend. Fortunately Skywalker and Trig Jr step into the breach.

§          Tits wins the toss and on a cloudy overcast day decides to field.

 

Fielding Stuff

§          Following a great opening spell the previous week, Zimmer gets the nod for the new ball with Teen Wolf. Four overs of half-trackers and full tosses later, Zim’s off and spends the rest of the afternoon at deep midwicket. Non-fer.

§          Opening from the Tanners end, Teen Wolf moans and groans about having to run up the hill. After Zimmy’s taken off, the hirsute one switches to the Pavilion end where he moans and groans about having to bowl into the wind and is equally ineffective. Another non-fer.

§          Tesco lobs them down and buys a couple of wickets including a sensational diving catch by Windy. None of us can believe it either. Windy will continue to bore us all rigid talking about this catch for months to come (see Skywalker).

§          Yvonne and Asbo have identical bowling figures of 4-0-16-0, fortunately for Yvonne these are the only identical figures they share. Two more non-fers.

§          Windy continues to delight his fantasy fans with a C&B – another 40 points. Another wicket leaves him homing in on 100 points for the day. He will continue to bore us all rigid talking about his fantasy achievements for months to come.

§          Skywalker is given a new role of death bowler. Non-fer.

 

Tea Stuff

§          Lack of communication between relevant parties meant we ended up with 4 pints milk, 6 litres squash and about 50 plastic cups. It’s better than none though.

§          Cake is a choice of coffee and walnut or coffee and walnut. Still sensational.

§          Asbo is given the No.11 slot, so settles down with his own version of a jazz mag, “Boy Racer Weekly”.

 

Batting Stuff

§          A new Sunday opening partnership of Tits and Windy brings about a massive opening stand of 5 before Windy is bowled for 4 by a ball that keeps low. He will continue to bore us all rigid talking about this low bounce for months to come. Horsham members, you have been warned, avoid drinking sessions with this man over the winter.

§          Van Brad in his new cavalier batting fashion hoiks three 4s on his way to 18 before being out in similar fashion to last Sunday (edge onto pad onto stumps).

§          The usual middle order collapse sees us go from 44 for 2 to 54 for 6. This includes Splasher’s running out of Skeletor who tried to refuse an easy single but with Teen Wolf haring down the middle of the pitch howling like a banshee or - well like a Teen Wolf – Skellie has little option but to attempt the run and is out by miles. This incident, which is easily the most interesting bit of the game, leaves Skeletor the butt of many jokes in the Tanners afterwards – see below.

§          Skywalker and Davross both post ducks, in Davross’s case it’s a silver. As Dave departed, having been given LBW by Mercado, he looked back and exclaimed “Dinnae ye fergit ah’ve go’ a long memory, ya wee bampot”.

§          At 78 for 8 and with 12 overs of the 20 left, Yvonne marches out to join Teen Wolf who has crawled his way along. The oppo skipper, who is bowling, greets her with “You must have played for New Zealand Schoolgirls”. Yvonne responds by smashing her first ball for 4. Hah.

§          12 overs later we are 118 for 8, match drawn as Cricket Girl achieves a personal best of 18* and Splasher dribbles to a jug-avoiding 42*, having been in for 23 overs. A grand total of two fours in this Bradburyesque effort ends the Teen Wolf’s interest in the Twenty20 ‘highest % in boundaries’ category. However in an unusual display of common sense and unity, the number of SCC members who have selected Shrubb Snr in this category is zero – good shout boys.

 

Drinks Stuff

§          Skeletor takes a battering of run-out jokes including:

1.       Shrubby “Fancy another beer Cliff”?

Skeletor “Yes please”.

Splasher “I’ll just run out and get you one”

2.       Van Brad describes how Cliff had overshot the Cuckfield roundabout and he had waved him on –

Splasher “You should have sent him back”.

3.     Cliff (by now desperate for a fag) “Can I bum a fag please mate?”

        Asbo “Why, have you run out?”

 

Post Drinks Stuff i.e. on the way back to our cars

§          Bradders wishes Yvonne well as it’s her last game of the season and attempts to kiss her fondly on the cheek. Yvonne’s natural reaction is the right one and she swerves to avoid. Bradders lunges and misses. Yvonne is startled and heads quickly to the safety of her car. Phew, that was close.

 

MATCH DRAWN