Mark “Bollock Splasher ” Shrubb
Seems
comfortable enough is his new batting position home of No.1 scoring 31 runs
before holing out to Henfield’s token old codger. Sneaked in 3 cheeky overs
with the ball and sneaked 1 cheeky wicket.
New shirt thoughts: “Not a bad fit, bit itchy round the collar & shoulder area”
Peter “P B Tits” Bradbury
Trundled
along to 9 runs in an opening stand of 42. Infuriated the opposition batsmen by
his persistent & all too frequent field placement changes, the likes of
which haven’t been seen since the halcyon days of Dave Threader’s captaincy. Is
scheduled to have an anti-inflammatory injection in his knee later in the week.
Whilst the Doctor is going about it, we suggest he gives Pete’s belly a quick
shot as well.
New shirt thoughts: “Fantastic sponsorship, but a bit snug round the belly & shoulder area”
Cliff “Skeletor” Bacon
Turned up dressed like a cross between a Russian
Submarine Officer and a 19th century French convict being shipped
off to Devil’s Island. Has bought himself a pair of rock climbing plimsolls to
play cricket in. Cool. Reached 22 runs with the bat before being clean bowled
going for a big yahoo. Claimed he had to “push the run rate along a bit” …..
yeah right, so you only play the big yahoo in special situations do you? Was
one half of the Bacon & Avocado partnership. Spent all of the post match
pub time ripping the piss out of Papa Barker’s duck. Good work.
New shirt thoughts: “Hate the sponsorship and it’s far too tight round the shoulders. Whatsmore, it doesn’t go with my new rock climbing plimsolls”
Steve “Papa” Barker
Candidate
for worst shot of the day edging one behind for 0. And when you look at the
rest of the Staplefield batting order, that’s saying something. Snaffled a
couple of catches behind the stumps to save his fantasy point blushes. Spent
all of the post match pub time having the piss ripped out of him by Bacon.
New shirt thoughts: “I Had to hastily increment the size to XXXL”
Jason “Zim” Voster
Had the
privilege of being the 1st to try out Captain Bradders new
innovation i.e. if you make the tea, you get to choose where you bat. Zim
decided that the most likely position for him to score loads of runs would be
No.5. He scored 12, which for Zim, is loads of runs, so well done, good
decision. Took 2 catches, 1 of which was outstanding. Fielded expertly all
afternoon, which is unusual for a past winner of the Fielding Cup.
New shirt thoughts: “I had to hastily increment the size to XXXL”
Mark “Flogger” Floyer
Another
contender for worst shot of the day trying to hoik a straight one over square
leg. He missed, the ball didn’t. Claimed he thought it was going to miss leg.
It actually hit middle stump half way up. Now that’s got to be worrying. Parked
his car on the square leg boundary. Why do that? That’s completely mindless.
Bowled an excellent spell of 10 overs, taking 1-18.
New shirt thoughts: “Thought it’d be a nice touch to stop wearing my Ansty shirt when playing for Staplefield. Bit tight over the shoulders”
Luke “Skywalker” Cooper
Forgot to use the Force when
batting, clean bowled for 0. Excellent performance in the field though, didn’t
put a foot wrong. Says he is really looking forward to meeting Andrew
“Chewbacca” Willett and Jamie “Hand Solo” Bradbury but
doesn’t
like the sound of Darth Duck much.
New
shirt thoughts: “My shirt hasn’t arrived yet. Can’t say I’m looking forward to
getting
it though, they all look a bit tight across the shoulders to me”
Luke’s
father was not happy with his son’s performance
Dave “Davros” Ross
Will
probably feel he could have contributed a little more than £6 subs, 0 with the
bat and a dropped catch. Was positively delighted with the new hooks that have
been put up in the home team dressing room right where he likes to sit. Spent
the afternoon praying in the field. What could possibly be the advantage of
stopping balls whilst kneeling?
New shirt thoughts: “They look oooccchhh shiiiit to me. You’ll nae catch me in wen of those”
Nick “Avocado” Mercado
Man of the Match by a country mile.
Top drawer rear guard batting, top scoring with 33.
2-36 off 8
doesn’t really do his bowling justice. Inspirational in the field. An
absolutely brilliant all round performance tempered only by that ridiculous
beard.
New
shirt thoughts: “Fells a bit odd round the shoulders, but the material matches
my trainers
so I’m
pleased about that, just a shame that it doesn’t come in duck egg blue”
Christian “Prawn” Threader
2nd half of the “Avocado
Prawn” batting partnership. Batted supremely well with Avocado,
putting on
66 for the 9th wicket. Bowled & fielded well too. Another
brilliant all round performance tempered only by his all round stupidity.
New
shirt thoughts: “Makes my shoulders ache and it’s not nearly as comfortable as
a kaftan. I’m having chops, chips and beans for dinner”
Frank “The Spank” Pugh
Refused to
go into bat and face the last ball of the innings purely because his season’s
aim is to be top of the DNB table. Glory hunter. Bowled nicely and picked up
his regulation 1 wicket. Has taken up playing squash with his brother. The mind
boggles.
New shirt thoughts: “Hope it doesn’t shrink in the wash, it wouldn’t want to be any tighter”
