“I’M THE BEST PLAYER IN THE HISTORY OF THIS CLUB”

Tour Matches - Staplefield v Rollesby, Friday

Tourist	Game 1	Game 2	Post-match
Mincer	Started the game with a huge bang – blasting 20 off the first 5 balls of the match – the oppo looked bemused. Was this an opener? Or just a camp fat man with a funny accent. We all know the truth. However his 31 was comfortably our top score.	Batted at number 11 in a batting order reversal. Nevertheless hit his first ball for six, and was caught on the boundary off his second. Opened the bowling to very gay effect and no wickets, mincing around in the field, wearing the disgusting Mask of Shame four times.	Announced to the oppo in the pub that he had destroyed the likes of Pollock, Donald and Gibbs as a boy – saying they were useless. Suppose now he’s officially British he can trash the South Africans.
Nunfer	Shared in 50 opening stand in 6 overs – before we collapsed to 82 all out. 19 runs included a wild spoon over mid on to get off the mark. Calamitous display behind the stumps – rather like a giraffe with a broke leg and no arms.	Average-boosting not out 8 with the bat. Moved with his usual grace in the field – ie none. Seems to be locked into a ‘go slow’ approach. Took a wicket but did see his loopy pies disappear into the next field as well.	Thought he was pretty good a pool – he wasn’t. Promoted to Fines Committee for the first time, and handled the occasion with aplomb.
Teen Wolf	Off the mark with utter disdain as he clattered a four. Now to settle down to some fun with the bat. Next ball adjudged lbw by Clarkey and trooped off with a Boycs-style deadly slow tread.	Marched to the wicket, but thankfully without Porn Boy umpiring. One clatters the pads, but no dice from Zim. Smashes the next ball for six. Three overs of nun-fer style bowling but good Fantasy Point display.	Declined to be part of Fines Committee on the first evening – keeping his powder dry for later. Re-born as ‘The Hammer’ due to shocking prowess on punchball arcade.
Slack Bladder	Captain on his tour debut for Staplefield. Regaled all with his statement, “I’m the best player ever to play for Staplefield”, the night before. Proved this beyond a shadow of a doubt by ballooning his first ball to extra cover for a Golden Duck. A sheer magical moment.	Surprisingly quieter for the second match, weighed down by the yellow duck around his neck. Did make 17 runs thanks obviously to his excellent technique. Managed to remain wicketless and catchless on tour – another first in the History of the club.	Claimed his excellent technique would make him a certain to win the Pool tournament in the pub afterwards – clearly not the best pool player in the history of the Club. Had no shame in wearing his duck all evening – eating duck food all night (see above)
Shandyman	A nervous start to his innings – his performance was barely helped by the fact he chose to play in a pair of blue rubber scuba shoes and a pair of women’s tights. Shocked all by taking a catch.	Captained the side as a Tour Virgin. Left the field as a Tour Duck wearer. Clouted his third ball to deep midwicket, where a surprised fielder woke up and caught the ball. Cue more hilarity as the curse of the captaincy strikes again.	Dark horse on the pool table – winning game after game. Even darker horse in the pub, drinking Smirnoff Ice all evening. After 25, alcohol intake had reached that of the rest of the team after 2 pints.
Tourist	Game 1	Game 2	Post-match
XXL	Arrived late on tour (by approximately a day) only to wolf as much breakfast as he could. Five runs and plumb lbw. Too much glee and a Brett Lee style wicket-taking celebration were over the top considering the standard of the opposition.	Was forced (ha ha) to open the batting thanks to the Cards of Doom – made a quick 25 before a swipe and a miss. No bowling and uneventful time in the field, spending most of the time trying to get his camcorder to work.	Palpably the worst pool player in the UK, if not the World. Astonished to discover he was actually the third oldest player on tour (having thought he was the veteran).
Trisha Fat-Wah	Few Tour Virgin nerves it appears as Trisha is off the mark easily, making 10 in all, but we could have done with him staying in for longer. Bowled 1 ball as they needed 1 to win – a tough way to pick up a Nun-fer.	Still sober compared to all and a mighty six in his innings of 8. Bowled a record marathon spell for a tour match of 7 overs (only DT has ever deigned to bowl for this long before), taking 2 wickets.	Astonishing performance at Fines Committee. Has to drink 3 Gzelkhas in the space of 2 minutes, and collapses to the floor. Looking half dead, his concerned team-mates ignore him. Ten minutes later he is up and raring to go.
Cher-Knob-Yl	Nerves of steel he may have, but a slow bat on this occasion. Joined Piddle with a second Golden Duck of the day, those dancing feet rather rusty today. 2 wickets with the ball did much to make up for this though, and a couple of wearings of the Horned Hat.	Managed to avoid his ‘pair’ having to bat right at the end – the pressure mounting on him all innings. No problem for Revvin – he smashes the ball for 4 to win us the match. Had provided one of the classic wicket-keeping displays in SCC history in their innings – carried off 2 stumpings – but missed about 10.	The metronome once more led the way post match. Confirmed as the oldest tourist – you would never know it. A quiet evening in preparation for his performances in Zen Nightclub the following evening.
Darth Dad	He views the pressures of tour with disdain. True he no longer wishes to rule the Universe and is more interested in the price of strollers in Mothercare, But Darth’s Dad had no problems amassing 2 runs. Bowled 3 overs for just 9 with the highest, biggest turning leg spin you have ever seen.	Three more overs with the ball and again outrageous turn. Only had 6 stumping chances missed by Revvin off his bowling. Blatted 48 in a jug-evasion type way, guiding us to victory. Calm umpiring at the death also helped our cause, when others might have been trigger happy.	Struggled with the pace in the evening as he began practicing his early to bed arrangements for fatherhood.
Porno Bandita	Got the dubious honour of being last in the batting order. As last man (number 10) his partner went before he faced a ball. No problem, Lee bats on his own with Skeletor as a ‘runner’. Cliff refuses to run for anything and Lee gets a duck. Ho Ho. Cue winging for 20 minutes.	Promoted to number 5 in second game and actually made 20 runs. Grave dereliction of duties however as no porn was present on the Friday of the tour (or indeed the day before). Greatest disappointment was that Lee didn’t import any over from Spain especially for the occasion.	Fancied himself as a pool player but was annihilated by Griff. They must be pretty shit at pool in Spain. Another Smirnoff Ice Gaylord.