“CLIFF’S TEA BETTER THAN ELEPHANT DUNG – BY A SMALL MARGARINE”

Sunday XI v Southwater, 3^rd July

Councillor Van Bradbury

The only contribution of any real value today was the startling revelations surrounding his private life. In particular, his annoyances with the local Ansty “hoodies” and the lack of action being taken by PC Plod his village Gay Liaison Officer.

Splasher Shrubb

A reminder of old firework displays scoring 79 with the bat and picking up 3 wickets plus a catch. All these fireworks still don’t mask the fact that he has a stupid Tin Tin hair cut.

Skeletor Bacon

A Golden Duck followed by a few more “Colemanesque” moments behind the stumps capped a poor day for Biffa. Did manage to hold one catch though to save some blushes. Reported in The Tanners Beer garden that Mrs Skeletor is doing well. Claimed that his (or rather his Mum’s) tea cost £48. It consisted of some very nice home made cakes (you don’t have to buy them in a shop), some corned beef sandwiches (wow, aren’t they just really expensive) and no squash at all (costs you nothing if you don’t buy it). £48 you say? I suppose, if you plaster that much margarine in each roll, that could knock the price up.

Piddle Middle

Came dressed as Daveth, the only Gay in the Village. What possesses him to dress like that? Once again, promises much with the bat but delivers naff all. Did well with ball though picking up 2 wickets for hardly any runs at all. Refused a 2^nd spell so he could protect those figures. Took a smart catch at gulley to remove their danger man.

The Doff Floyer

Elegant with the bat stroking a fine 41, doffing his cap all of the way, but does insist on wearing those peculiar plastic flip flops when not in match action. Tidy spell of bowling, picked up a wicket and was even given a 2^nd spell.

Zim

Twatted his usual 6 before being bowled. Will he ever learn? Had a disaster with the ball being boshed all round the park. Held a catch to ease those fantasy point worries. His kit stank after the match. Rancid.

Avocado Mercado

Was virtually masturbating like a trooper over the thought of using his new MDF bat. Unfortunately he could only muster 5 so had to pop his willy away. Pretty expensive with the ball conceding more than 5 runs per over and picking up just the one wicket.

Davross

Was shocked to find himself batting No.7. So much so that Captain Bradbury had to scream at him to get his pads on when he was next man in. How long did he expect Zim to stay at the crease for? Scored a duck, claimed that he needed “a bigger rubber”. Was dressed to impress post match and was clearly off somewhere afterwards but declined to divulge where.

ASBO George

New recruit found the night before propping up the bar at the Ansty Cross. Couldn’t manage a run or a wicket, but seemed to enjoy running around in his ice white tracksuit bottoms. It’s funny how nicknames stick. ASBO just seemed to work.

Matt Avocado

Looked steady enough for his 0 not out. Would have scored more were he not related to Nick Avocado. Fielded expertly but wasn’t called upon to bowl.

Emily “QUIT SMOKING” White

Another one of the duck brigade today, following closely in the footsteps of her father and step-father. Had a few problems with the scorebook and isn’t likely to be threatening Yvann for the scorers job.