Things we learnt today

1. That if Dodgy Bob drinks too much the night before, he gets dodgy guts. His pre-match explosion in the Pavilion Gents lays testimony to that.

2. That Captain Bradbury can score 71 runs; normally that’s a whole season’s allocation.

3. But that he needs 13 lives to do so.

4. That Bradbury doesn’t ‘walk’ after treading on his own stumps.

5. That Umpire Papa Barker doesn’t give Captain Bradbury out for treading on his stumps and knocking the bails off, but will happily claim “it was the wind” (temperature 30 degrees, not even a breeze).

6. That Bradbury needs a new bat after his outside edge finally gave up the ghost after years of battering.

7. That Cliff is now officially the most boring batsman in the Club. Cliff Bacon or Cliff Tavare?

8. That Kev Middle can play a square cut like a Spanish Ballroom dancer. Ole!

9. That Kev Middle is a liar. In one statement to all he claimed that he made all the tea himself and in another “private” statement, he disclosed that his mumsy wumsy made the cakes.

10. That according to Kev, his wife is “lazy” as she refused to cut up the sandwiches.

11. That Mark Shrubb really must learn to get out of the way of the ball when Cliff whacks it, otherwise he’s going to end up with a huge ugly bruised swelling on his arm.

12. That Steve Miller is petrified of a cricket ball.

13. That Steve Miller will claim he can’t see a slow, looping, straight full toss on a clear blue skied day.

14. That Steve Miller is the 1^st proud owner of a King Pair this season.

15. That Zim will always get clean bowled to a straight one.

16. That Mercado’s MDF bat is good enough to hit a six.

17. That ASBO has a lot of trouble landing more than 2 balls per over on the cut strip.

18. That ASBO insists on wearing Nike ballet plimsolls to play in, claiming cricket shoes don’t come in a size 14.

19. That Avocado’s legs sometimes go into spasm when trying to catch the ball.

20. That Yvann does sometimes have trouble keeping accurate scorebook records.

21. That Zim gets over-excited about mobile phone ring tones.

22. That Zim talks in a slushy baby voice when his girlfriend calls him.

23. That Jan Bradbury claims to have watched Pete score 4 runs in an innings that lasted 3 hours.

24. That Condon Snr has become a part-time used car salesman; Skeletor is considering buying Greg’s dodgy old Saab for Mrs Skeletor; Councillor Bradbury is considering buying Yvann’s dodgy old Nissan for Emily.

25. That Bradbury sent last weeks bowling figures for this weeks match to the local paper TWICE.

26. That Papa Barker is now officially a dirty old man, with constant references to “Yvann’s going down” as the hapless Ozesse crawled under the bushes looking for the ball.

27. That Papa Barker concedes far more leg side byes when Tommy’s not the bowler (see chart).

28. That the way to solve your Aussie problem (ie you’ve got too many of ‘em) is to export ‘em to Krautland – ripper!

Barker “Byes Byes Baby”