“THAT ONE’S GOT A FISH FACE”

Staplefield v Viscount CC, Saturday

Tourist	Game 1	Game 2	Post Match
The Hammer	Opening the batting has its own special pressure on tour. This is multiplied when the opposition are taking the game seriously, and have two quick opening bowlers to boot. The Hammer is focused and sees off most of the threat, making 9. Bowled 1 ball which went for 4.	Reversing the batting order means he is number 12 – we need 1 run to win, he smashes it for 6. Opened the bowling taking 1-2 off 2 overs, improving his run rate no end. Fielded worse without his tights than with – most disconcerting.	A relatively quiet evening was livened up when the Mad Axeman of Yarmouth dared to run close to ‘The Hammer’. Mark attempts to trip the Axeman, but misses, and hides behind his brother as 20 cops smash the Axeman to a pulp on the pavement in front of us. Was renamed ‘The Mallet’ after limp ten-pin bowling efforts.
LadyBoycs	Had to play ‘normally’ ie slowly. Good job though as 33 of his 33 runs came behind square before they sussed his only scoring shot. Claimed to have forgotten it was a 20 over match at the 10 over point. Too late by then.	Largely anonymous fielding display spoilt by a gay attempt to stop a howitzer going past him on the boundary rope. Started sledging from First Slip implying he had slept with every member of the batsman’s family the previous evening.	Largely anonymous evening tempered by having ringside seats for the Axeman incident at the top of the step. Surprised all with top ten-pin bowling score with the most limp-wristed action, annoying Porno Boy in the process.
Revvin	Handled the pressure of decent oppo bowling with aplomb – making a nifty 8. Opened the bowling and took a wicket again, and frequently wore the Horned Hat once more.	Opened the batting this time, making a cheeky 4. Was the only man to take a wicket every time he bowled on tour, with 1-18, but was smashed for 2 sixes.	One of the starts of the show in the nightclub, dancing with a 20-stone cracker on the stage. Was accosted by said lady on returning to the hotel 2 hours later – she remembered him.
Yule	A one-day appearance and once more traditional excessive celebration upon getting off the mark. Hair has now entirely disappeared. Two wicketless overs and no spectacular fielding.	A nervous 0 not out batting in the number 10 position. Was bailed out by his bro hitting the winning runs as he failed to face a ball. One more tour wicket to keep him at the top of the all-time tour charts.	Back in the swing of a tour Saturday night for Yule – coming alive in the Club. Saved his brother’s life at approx. 1am.
Fish Face	Tour virgin of sorts but a nerveless 3 runs made. His bowling was klattered all around, but didn’t seem to care. Maybe he should bowl right-handed.	Wicket-keeper and a tour de force behind the timbers. Started sledging all the oppo, but in a strange manner – ie “you should be in that duck pond over there”. Puzzling.	When a rather large ‘lady’ in a PVC Nurse’s outfit approached us, little did we know how she would provide us with such comedy. Whilst judging which Stapler was the most attractive, she assessed Charlie’s appearance thus, “that one’s got a Fish Face”.
Zimmer	Spectacular batting once more at least made a semi-proper game of it. 26 runs and 3 sixes. Zim proudly announced the number of sixes he had now hit this season (35) and that he was going to hit 50 before it was over. What a big mouth.	Decidedly camp again in the field – mincing around the boundary and infield. Still wicketless, butchless, macholess and clueless. Walked out of his ground to allow others to bat and face the threat of a duck. A bit of a waste really.	Continued his camp crusade into the evening with a display of endless gay cavorting and rotation – like a fat ugly Jimmy Somerville with an eating disorder. Nearly collapsed the stage in the Club when he mounted it.
Tourist	Game 1	Game 2	Post Match
Skeletor	One meagre run was all he had to show for the first match – unless you count the six he got smashed for as well. 10 more missed stumping chances from Mercado.	Once again turned the ball about a yard, but very slowly indeed. Managed to achieve the feat of being hit for 6 in every innings on tour. Took one excellent running boundary catch. Did hit one six, but was unimpressed with fiasco of deliberate dismissals.	Another leading performer on the Zen stage, but his attempts to ‘muscle in’ on Revvin’s female acquaintance met with rebuke. Once more sought pure Gzelkha at fines committee, challenging everything. Arose from his bed for Axeman incident.
Tesco	Made just 6 safe runs in the middle order in the run chase. Did not bowl – but only because he kept wicket. Amazingly inept – missing even more stumpings than Revvin the day before, achieving one.	Determined 27 runs in the second game gave us a respectable response to their total. Two wicketless overs got roundly spanked, but did take 1 catch.	Relatively quiet evening compared to most. This may have led to the aforementioned PVC Nurse selecting him as the most attractive Staplefield player present. Her guide dog disagreed.
Retchup	Batting down at number 10 – no problems with the need for quick runs though as he swishes 14, including another tour six. One of only 2 men to take a wicket for us in this match.	34 more runs in the second game – as Tom becomes a clear leader in terms of runs made on tour. So why doesn’t he bat like this on Saturdays when he plays like such a spaz? Awesome run out from square leg when he just about managed to wake up in time.	Always useful to have someone so tall when you get lost in a nightclub. Delighted to have one and a quarter roomies all tour, but not delighted by the sight and sound of said XXL dumping in full view with bathroom door open.
Piddle	Little time at the end of the innings to make an impression – although his shattered confidence was restored with 10 not out. Wicketless and technique-less once again.	Slack Bladder at last makes some runs – showing his incredibly excellent technique that makes him the best player we have ever seen. 41 runs helped us chase down their total with ease. Mr Technique is born.	Lamentable efforts on Punchbag machine in the Arcade leaves him reeling. Impending fatherhood even leaves him impotent on the dancefloor. Also impeded by wearing pink shirts a la Soames.
Griff	Batting at the bottom of the order, was relieved it was only a 20 over match and that we had such a slow start. 0 not out and only 1 ball faced. Two miserly overs of bowling, but still there’s those blue poncey shoes …	Delighted to get his fielding tights back for the second match. Showed this as he opened with aplomb – making 7 chanceless runs until he gave a chance. Figures of 2-0-2-3 were Warnesque, but bowling at 25mph in tights is nothing to be proud of.	Champion gay dancer in the Zen Club – cutting a swathe across the dance floor, with all his team-mates desperately trying to distance themselves from him. Take more than one ‘Eighteen Plus’ into the shower? Not this man.
Leek Lark	Started off the first match scoring, but then disappeared with the minibus. Reappeared some time later, loaded up with pornography and a large grin. Give him his due, he takes on his tour role with relish.	A measly 3 runs with the bat, but at least he didn’t have to suffer Cliff running at the other end. Clarkey claims he has never been stumped before this match. 2 measly overs for 14 runs made up a rather measly day. Still, good porn stash.	Much complemented after the match for his purchases, and attempted to show us some of his Iberian moves on the dance floor. Few of us were impressed by the matador & cape special.
Pikey	Another one-day tourist – and did not even bother to play in the first game. Still, he did get fined for not wearing his umpire’s hat properly, and for not umpiring a full 20 overs.	Batted in XXL’s place, on one knee. It would have been a bit difficult to get him a runner (even if it had been Cliff) as he came into the match so obviously injured. Made just 2 runs anyway.	Spent most of the evening expressing his undying love for Charlie Cooper. Ruffled up his peacock-feathers when the PVC Nurse selected her best looker, and was most aggrieved not to be chosen as SCC Stud.