STAPLERS SUCCUMB IN FINAL BALL THRILLER TO SOME CHEATING BASTARDS

Sunday XI v West Blatchington 4^th September 2005

It was a warm and sunny if a little breezy day and surprisingly on losing the toss we were sent into bat. Good toss to lose we thought.

Steve “Watford” Barker – Any last ounce of form with the bat seems now to have finally deserted him and it was another blob today to add to his season’s collection. Kept wicket to help cushion the blow of being out for 0 opening the batting in the first innings. Enjoyed his tea immensely and did an accurate impression of Mercado in The Tanners post match.

Pete “Van” Bradbury – Looked as though he was on for a few runs today after driving the first ball he faced back past the bowler for four. It wasn’t to be though as he played on to his stumps via an inside edge and then his ample gut and ample thigh. Gave Mercado the No.3 batting slot and let him bowl all afternoon. Nick was later seen in The Tanners smoking a “Bradbury classic” slim panetella. Whats going on? Are they having secret gay sex together? We’ve seen nothing to suggest otherwise so far.

Nick “Trisha” Mercado - Looked in fine form with the bat blasting some awesome boundaries on his way to 28. Was finally clean bowled to a ball he played back to, when he should have been forward. Bowled all afternoon. Picked up a couple of wickets but should have had 1 more when their umpire refused to acknowledge a stumping which was as clear as you’d ever wish to see. Was slated in The Tanners post match by the Moormanator for dropping a couple of ¼ chances. That’s gotta hurt. Smoked a slim panetella just like Van Brad. That’s gotta hurt. Had the piss taken out of him by an accurate Barker impression. Now that’s really gotta hurt.

Kevin “The Moormanator” Moorman – Supported Mercado well with the bat. Only scored 11, but spent valuable time at the crease in a time of minor crisis after losing the openers early. When he came on to bowl and the oppo cried out “bowlers name?”, he replied with sickening relish, “Batsman No.4”. Slated Mercado in The Tanners post match. Nice job.

“Master” Luke Cooper – Second ball quacker, but some say it was a little unfortunate as he played on. Showed a good arm in the field, frequently having to retrieve the ball and ping it back in from the boundary. Took an expert catch in the final over, under pressure, to get rid of their danger man. Enjoyed his moment when getting a ball from the other side of the road because it meant he could get a good close look at a couple of girls who had been parading around the common most of the afternoon. He reported back that they were about 14 & 16 years old.

Jason “Mincer” Vorster – Claimed the blonde girl parading around the common was probably in her early – mid twenties, and that is what he’d tell the law anyway. See Luke’s report above for a more accurate age analysis. Anyway, Zim didn’t score many runs as, yes, you’ve guessed it, he was bowled off a straight full toss. Quel surprise. Opened the bowling and was astonishingly accurate for someone who hadn’t bowled for 5 weeks. Picked up a wicket and took an expert catch deep on the long off boundary.

Ben “Son of Trigger” – Was grossly unlucky with the bat being bowled off a “Warne v Strauss” delivery. It pitched a foot outside off and spun back a couple of feet to hit middle & leg whilst Ben was playing nicely forward. A once in a career dismissal that one. Fielded with high energy all afternoon. An example to us all.

Mark “Teen Wolf” Shrubb – Relegated to No.8 so he could be well rested ready for an opening bowling spell after tea. Didn’t quite work out that way as he came out to bat at 59-6. Managed to steer the tail up to a respectable score of 159, scoring an unbeaten 79 and enjoying a last wicket partnership with Yvann of 77. Accused their young umpire of incompetence when he had a wide called against him and then had a short run missed. A bit of the old league fire is still in the belly.

Dave “Davross” Ross – Claimed he played a superb shot to get himself off the mark, guiding the ball down to 3^rd man for a single. Couldn’t muster any more superb shots though, only a rubbish one which he hit onto his stumps. That niggling groin injury is still keeping him away from bowling action. Is still persisting to wear pink polo shirts to The Tanners post match.

George “A.S.B.O.” Morley – Survived a few overs keeping Shrubb company before been comprehensively clean bowled. Got his own back clean bowling one of their chaps. Wickets are starting to flow for the bald one. Bowled the penultimate over of the game but couldn’t quite manage to land them all on the strip. If any Staplers out there are interested, ASBO is organising a “cruise” in a town near you soon. All you need to do is bring along your car, modified with go even faster stripes etc and a willingness to admire all the other modified Escort XR3i’s and Capri 2.8i Laser’s. See you there?

Yvann “Cricket Girl” Condon – she is supposed to be a bright girl. She turned up to this cricket match wearing her Australian vest. How bright is that given the plight of the Aussies in the current Ashes contest? Batted like a trooper in a face saving 77 run 10^th wicket partnership with Teen Wolf. Bowled with accuracy too in a top all round performance.