STEAL FROM THE PROS

a long-running favourite from within STAPLE DIET - now we present the full archive of all the handy hints and tips from Staplefield's finest in one place - there may be a test of memory on some of them, but thats part of the fun ...

1 - THE LEG GLANCE by James Hegarty
“The leg glance is a vital element of any healthy young male’s repertoir. It takes a considerable amount of skill and dedication to perfect this manouvre. Firstly, stare absently at her breasts for at least 10 minutes. Occasionally, wolf whistle or growl.
Make sure that your eyes do not stray from that lovely wobbling flesh. Lick your lips if you feel this is necessary. Ensure that she is aware that you are fully appreciating her bosom and imagine your head between them. Complementary words and nods are crucial to communicate your appreciation as you go.

Then, the key feature of the move. Just when she starts to feel that you are staring at her boobs, glance down her body towards those lovely legs as quick as you can. There you have the perfect leg glance.”

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2 - THE SLOWER BALL by Tony Pugh
“The slower ball is the perfect piece in the smart bowler’s armoury. It is crucial for a paceman to be able to deceive the batsman with guile and craft. Initially, you need to bowl flat out, and preferably get the wicket keeper to even stand back to your bowling. This will firmly put the batsman on the back foot, as he seeks to despatch you to all parts of the ground.
This is merely playing into your hands.

This is the perfect set up to deliver the slower delivery with great disguise. Indeed, I often find that there is no discernable change in my bowling action when I try the off spinner - the batsman rarely recognises it as that slow. One word of caution, make sure that you use the slower ball in your first spell, you may not get another chance.”

3 - BACKING UP by Paul Shrubb
“This is so important that it can hardly be emphasised enough. It is crucial to support your team-mates at all times to improve their performance and their score. Make sure that you do not spill anything and that your delivery from table to mouth is clean. Then ensure that you do not spill anything by closing your mouth when it is full of lager.

It is obviously crucial to not lag behind your partner and slow him down. Make sure that you allow for a full, clean delivery of liquid down the throat in the quickest possible time. That way you will be confident that you will be ready and waiting for the next round when it has been bought. Oh, sorry, I thought you said ‘drinking up’. Ah well, just bloody run then, that’s the best thing I guess. What’s yours ?”

4 - THE LONG BARRIER by Dave Threader
“Width is crucial to your success in this arena. Make sure that you present yourself to the object with the most accurate precision. Being even slightly off target could lead to an injury that it would be difficult to explain and recover from.
It often helps, especially for the younger among us, to point in the direction that you seek to go beforehand. Once you are lined up, attack the object as aggressively as possible, as if it were something you have to take as fast as possible. Some degree of lubrication may improve your chances of success. The important factor is ensuring that you get it back in as soon as you can and carry on as much as possible.

Oh, and when you’re fielding the ball make sure you get your leg in the way as well.”

5 – OPENING YOUR ACCOUNT by John Kemp
One of the questions most frequently asked by any young batsman is “How should I go about opening my account?” Well, youth is one thing, but in the army, patience must be your watchword. All too often, young, inexperienced players want to rush into things. Remember, there’s no hurry! Take your time, don’t be hasty - you can only damage your reputation if you try to hard.
If you have to wait an hour or two to get started, then don’t worry, just be patient - remember, your moustace will still be growing. Wait till you spot an opening - and it doesn’t have to be a 4 or 6, a single pound will do. Just slide it over the counter with your application form and bingo - the cashier will give you a bank book and your account is open.

6 – THE THROW by Mick Lee
Preparation is vital - if you’re not in the correct position, then you cannot possibly achieve either the length or accuracy you desire. Personally, I find the ideal preparation is to organise a golfing weekend in Shrewsbury with a few chums. It is essential to have Yule as drinks co-ordinator. On the first evening, suggest brandy as a suitable night-cap - about 9 or 10 doubles should do it. Remember to hold your fire till the morning! Lull your victims into a sense of false security. As your room mates are on their way to breakfast, adopt a Ron Johnson style braced crouch stance - give the Dave Threader point, then - LET THROW! - remembering to put your hand over your mouth to ensure the widest possible distribution. Eh? Oh, throwing in.
Well, just lob it in the general direction of Andy Willett or Tony Coleman or whoever’s keeping wicket. They’re bound to miss it anyway.

7 – BOWLING A MAIDEN OVER by Tom Barker
This is a job best tackled by someone young, strong, handsome and talented, however I’ve been asked to do it anyway. With regard to maidens, I can tell you from personal experience that the key to success is to keep changing your approach so that any opposition and resistance gradually crumbles. First up, to get things going, I like to tickle them with one aimed in the box - that’s guaranteed to get things off to a flying start. Follow that up with a couple of bumpers round the chest.
By this time, if you’ve been going at the correct pace, they’ll be wetting themselves, and for ball 4, you need to move downstairs - so use your head and have a nibble round their thighs. It should be really hotting up now so remember for step 5, two fingers up the seam will make things really sticky for your opponent. Finally, the coup de gras - just slip in a full length and -
Geronimo, you’ve had your maiden.

8 - A GOOD LENGTH by Dave Threader
As the most experienced member, I’m often asked by the younger element how to achieve a good length. Most of your opponents will tell you length isn’t everything but don’t you believe it boy. Now then, the first thing is to make sure you’re standing fully erect before the delivery stride. Initially, you’ll get the best results from having the seam as vertical as possible (although it is true that more experienced performers can gain a fuller length from practising different seam positions).
Remember to bend the knees and then achieve a full thrusting follow-through by swivelling the hips at the crucial moment. This combination should get your length right, but my advice is do like I do - keep practising your technique on your own in the privacy of your bedroom.

9 – PINCHING A SINGLE by Peter Walsh
Eh, now come ‘ed. Here’s de best way. Make sure you’ve got the pitch sussed first, and you know how quickly all dose around ya will react, like. Your partner is very important, he’s gotta be a big look out for you. Look for the right opportunity, because timing is what its all about. When nobody’s looking, just get that hubcap off dead quick like, and run as fast as you can. Then you’ve pinched that single hub you need for the set. Don’t bother to ground your hub when you get in.
Oh you mean running between the wickets. You wanna make something of it, then, eh ? Come ‘ed. Well just run like a madman, regardless of where it goes. Above all, don’t turn back and make sure its your partner that goes down.

10 – GETTING CHEST ON by Mark Shrubb
An extremely useful thing if you are a young fast bowler in your prime. This is very important if you are looking for extra bounce. There are some advantages to getting side on, you can appreciate the swing that may be available a lot more, especially in damp conditions. However, I often find it is better to get face on and make the most of the chest. You may have your hands full early on, before you have got used to this position. Be careful to avoid any bruising that may arise, and ensure that you follow through down the middle.

11 – GOING FOR A BIG ONE by The Rev
There’s nothing more satisfying, I find, than going for a really big one. The most important thing is to select the right target. Once you think you’ve spotted one - and you really need to try and see it early - then the next thing is to determine which side are you going to aim for. Remember to concentrate. Keep your eyes firmly fixed on it. Style is important in these things. At the right moment, take a couple of strides forward, say ‘Alright darlin’, then fondly squeeze the 38DD breast that is your target. Incidentally, it is perfectly in order to drool a little. And with any luck, her boyfriend will object and you can give him a good smacking outside as well.

On the other hand, if you’re talking about batting, than just take a wild swing at any perfectly straight, good length ball.

12 - CALLING by Christian Threader
Be prepared has always been my motto. One of the most crucial elements in building a good lasting partnership, I believe, is to maintain good consistent calling between the partners. For example, if you’re looking for a quick one, then an early call is vital to alert your partner to be ready in position, having taken proper precautions. And if you fancy a couple, your partner needs to know even earlier how you feel about things. Three can be even more complicated. An explanatory call is your only hope of success here.

Calling is particularly vital in away matches when the possibilities of a misunderstanding over ones’ intentions are obviously much greater. And of course, if you are on tour, the situation is even more complex. In these circumstances, regular calling is absolutely essential, especially if you’re playing with my dad.

13 - WHIPPING ‘EM OFF by Andy Willett
I’m always being asked about the best way to take them off. Often it depends on what equipment you’re playing with. Mine are so old, I have no problem, they work like clockwork. Off in a flash. And occasionally I get Shaz to grease them up for me in preparation. Especially if those nasty grey Cheddar shorts are about. Now, take some of the single lads we have in the club. I’m not saying they haven’t got my experience, but they need a bit more practice. I particularly like doing it when Walshy and his googlies are on display. Great when he can induce a bit of bounce.
What ? You mean, whipping off the bails ? What are you talking about ? You’ve completely lost me now. What are these big things on my hands for again ?

14 - FINDING THE GAPS by Steve Barker
I make it an important part of my routine to ensure I know where the gaps are early on - usually first thing in fact. If you’re going to clean up properly, locating those ever-present gaps is absolutely key. Lesser mortals - that’s every one else except Ray Funnell and Tom - often ask how I do it. Well, take your normal stance, feet apart, then have a really good look on both sides. Place the location of the obvious gaps firmly in your mind, make sure you’ve got a good grip with both hands, then squeeze the toothpaste onto the brush and get scrubbing - making sure you brush thoroughly in those gaps. And for complete
dental hygiene, use Threader’s Patent Oral Wash and Pike’s Curly Dental Floss. Eh? Oh, batting. Well, just give it plenty and hope your luck holds, mine usually does.

15 - BACKING UP by Eddie Parker
Well I obviously have by far and away more air miles under my belt than Kevin Middle has German porn mags under his mattress, and Whilst Kev is knocking one out through his flies, I am flying one out into the skies.
Yes, its quite true that prior to becoming a flash photographer (sandals by Armani) I was indeed taxi-ing in London. Not cab driving as you might think, but steering Boeings around Heathrow. This I believe qualifies me to talk to you today about backing up your private vehicles into tight spaces.

16 - UNLOADING YOUR SACK by Boycs
Now then, I know there’s plenty of you young whippersnappers thinks as how you knows it all, but tek my word for it, it’s only an old pro as can really judge. Grip is right important, I’ll tell ‘e for a start. And none of this flash one-handed modern rubbish. Tradition’s important and proper way to do it is for’t use both hands. Now then, once you’ve got control and mind you it’s alright to be reading Mayfair or 60 Plus at the time, whatever turns you on - tek a right good grip like I said with both hands, pull the top down till it’s turned over on itself, then tip the sack up and empty the letters all over the parlour floor.

Then tell yer girly to get down on ‘ands and knees and pick ‘em up and sort ‘em out right quick or else she’ll get another bloody shiner and no mistake.


17 - IN THE SLIPS by James Hegarlty
Whoops, how did you find out about that? You bastards. Mind you, I was completely innocent. I mean, it wasn’t my fault at all, I was in Harrods and I just happened to find myself in the lingerie department. Then I couldn’t help it, see - all those knickers and suspenders and things. I only touched a couple of things - well to begin with anyway. Next thing, this really georgeous blond walks past me and into the changing rooms holding a couple of black lacy bits. Naturally, I just strolled over there in case she needed help. Well, is it my fault if she leaves a minute gap in the curtains? I wasn’t really peeking
through…. Well alright I was - and I admit I was fondling a green Wonderbra at the same time. Anyway, the police let me off with a caution as long as I promised to lend him the key to Staplefield gents toilet. Here, can anyone lend me 30p to buy a Mars Bar….

18 - LETTING ONE GO by Andy Willett
In order to “let one go” its best to stand attentively in a slightly crouched position. You then fix your eye on the hand of the bowler. As he begins his run up tense those stomach muscles and just as he’s about to release the ball let one go and stink the place out.

N.B. Try and hit the ball hard in the ensueing panic.

19 - FIELDING IN WINDY CONDITIONS by Steve Barker
I’ve stood in the slips at Staplefield for many years now, and frankly, this has always been a problem, which is not surprising when you consider who else is normally in the ‘cordon’. I thought I’d cracked the problem when I got Mark ‘Pilchard Sandwiches’ Daly banned from the club but Christ - Coleman, Willett, Bradbury, Murdoch…. what a bunch of old farts. You’d think those
boys lived on a diet of pickled eggs, cabbage and baked beans. My tactics are as follows: if Tom’s bowling, then I just slip in a pair of unobtrusive nose filters and put up with it. If anyone else is bowling, I give it an over or two then select a desirable new fielding position - upwind of the slips and involving no running are the key factors here. Somewhere like short midwicket is normally ideal. Then tell the skipper that two slips is a waste of time with the current crappy bowling and slide off over there.

20 - DEALING WITH SHORT LIFTERS by Tony Coleman
Personally I’ve always believed in live and let live. People’s private lives are, after all, really just a matter for their own conscience. Especially in the changing room. I mean, just look at James Hegarlty. But I think matters really came to a head when people started putting Staplefield gents toilet on the Internet as a meeting place. Well really, where’s the discretion in that? Eh? Oh, short lifters. As in short lifting balls. Ah….. Hm…… Sorry, haven’t a clue, batting’s never been my strong point.

21 - NIBBLING AT SWINGING BOUNCERS by Tom Barker
Normally you are facing this sort of situation when the opposition is on top and looking to finish you off quickly. Personally I find this a challenge and like to keep going for as long as I can. Keeping your eye on those pink cherries is the key to success. After all, there’s bound to be plenty of movement, both swinging and possibly uneven bounce to cope with. And you
may also be facing damp patches as well. Don’t be hasty, just follow the line of swing and at the appropriate moment, whenever one goes past your nose, just nibble away. A word of warning, concentration is vital but gritting your teeth can be fatal. Just look at my dad.


22 - SLEDGING by The Very Reverend Mark Hurst
Its best to build yours of the most reliable and sturdy wood around, and ensure there’s plenty of room for you to lie down on it. Remember to form the shape of a crucifix, and imagine you are Jesus on the Cross, making good the sins of all in the world. Next, look for a very steep hill and climb your way up to the top, ensuring that some sinners come with you in order to push you down. They do not deserve to pass into the Kingdom of Heaven that is the descent. Make sure you do this in winter obviously, as you don’t want a bumpy ride like the heathen Dave Threader is used to.

Oh, you mean all that talking and abuse that apparently goes on occasionally. Well, I wouldn’t ever get involved save for backing up my weedy pathetic teammates like Nancy Boy Shrubb and Wimpy Barker when they start disagreeing with the opposition. Best just to twat ‘em one instead.


23 - RUNNING OUT OF PARTNERS by Mark Shrubb and Christian Threader
This is something to be avoided obviously, but its a situation that both of us have ended up in recently. If you hang around long enough playing and missing, you’re bound to run out of partners in the end. When all else fails, its best to go back to those dazzling days or phone for permission once more, and go out with an old girlfriend because thats all there is left for you. Living in the past is the only way to be.

What, running out of partners in an innings? I suppose anyone batting lower than 5 on a Saturday has every chance, but we’re not usually in long enough to find out.

24 – COPING IN THE WET by Kevin Middle
It’s mostly a matter of being properly prepared. For example, bowlers should follow the example of Angus Fraser, who always takes a towel onto the field when he’s bowling, giving him the opportunity to dry the ball thoroughly before each delivery.
Players should always wear appropriate spikes, so that firm footing can be taken for granted. And I personally always consult the weather forecast and put a little linseed oil on the bottom of my bat if there’s the likelyhood of any dampness whilst I’m batting.

On the other hand, if you’re bursting for a waz after drinking yourself stupid at the presentation night, just piss on the nearest available Shrubb.


25 - FOLLOWING THROUGH by Mark Shrubb
Balance and timing are crucial for this. Make sure you prepare well before the match, and avoid dodgy local ethnic foods. Also, ensure you know where the nearest open toilets are. Finally, make sure you have enough pairs of rubber pants to reduce possible injury through chaffing. Then, leave your teammates behind as you let it rip and clear up the mess afterwards. Remember to keep a good relationship with your local dry cleaners.

Oh, bowling. Just run in, sidestep, adjust Tin Tin-style hairdo, and watch it sail into the bushes.

26 - DROPPING ONE by Dave Threader
There are always certain functions in life that cause discomfort and embarrassment and I find that moments before this particular event I am pacing around the room or shifting uncomfortably in my seat, if I am going to do the deed in the confines of my car. When I can no longer avoid the inevitable I bend forward and, steadying myself with one hand I go for it. Moments later
its all over and I surf on the ensuing wave of relief. Sometimes someone causes a right stink and they’re not happy that your Willy’s out or your PB Tits is sagging but its difficult to keep onze side sometimes.

27 - HOW TO HOLD IT by Frank *ugh
Frankly, this has been a bit of a hot potato for me ever since I became a spotty teenager (last year). First of all, there’s the question of which hand to use – it took me ages to sort that one out. Then, do you use your whole fist or do you go for one of those elaborate two finger grips shifty Dave T showed me in the Staplefield toilets during my first days at the club.
And how tight do you grip it for maximum pace, especially if you’ve surreptitiously applied a bit of lip balm or sun block to shine it up. The whole thing’s not as easy as it looks and it’s double difficult to bring it off once your hand gets a bit sweaty as well.

Oh, holding a cricket ball. Doesn’t make any difference really, just mince through your run-up, lob it down and admire it bouncing towards the phone box.

28 – SQUEEZING THE RING by The Nabob
There are many difficult decisions any leader of men has to make from time to time, and when to squeeze the ring is one of the hardest. You know, you can be just idling away a few hours standing on the boundary, communing with nature, feeling ain’t life far out man, when suddenly you feel something brewing. This is a defining moment that calls for decisive action. Should you squeeze your ring as hard as possible, in the hope of a clean finish, with only a faint murmur, risking denouement Skidmark Shrubb style? Alternatively, do you leave things as they are, in the hope that nature will take its course quietly? Mark Daly, one of my spiritual influences, could never manage this trick.

Alternatively, if you’re talking about fielding at Plumpton, just call everyone into suicide positions (leaving yourself at midwicket for the spooner of course), then have a good chuckle at Tom and Tashy pooing themselves.

29 – DEALING WITH FLUID SITUATIONS by James Hegarlty
In most cricket matches, things go rarely exactly to plan. Although its good to start off the match with a game plan – or match strategy as the Nabob has started calling it recently – you have to be prepared to be flexible and adapt your plan to the ongoing situation. For example, you might want to promote a slogger, such as me, up the order to make sure I get a bat if we’re running out of time. Or, for variety, you might want to open the bowling with a military medium – me for example.
Finally, always be prepared to move your field around – you could put me in the slips instead of the usual boring deep square.

On the other hand, if you’re talking about my bowel movements, just go for a double dose of Imodium before every match, cross your fingers and try not to think about Skidmark.

30 – KEEPING THE SCORE by the Hon. Treasurer Dr Bill
I’ve been a cricketer for many years now, and over the years, I’ve found that in both forms of cricket - whether it’s a 20 over midweek thrash, or the more sophisticated game of beach cricket - it can prove pretty handy on occasion to keep track of the numbers. Generally, we do this in a big red book. It consists of lots of tables and columns, but frankly, I’ve got no idea what they’re all for. I just get Hugh to do it, it’s amazing (as that antipodean Condon would say) what they learn at school nowadays. Mind you, apart from Watford, no-one in the club pays very much attention to these numbers anyway, and as he’s a teacher so can’t count past 10, it doesn’t really matter.

Alternatively, if you’re talking about supplementing your income, just get elected as Club Treasurer and skim off twenty quid every time match fees come your way. You’ll soon find you can afford that BMW estate in no time.


31 – PLAYING AND MISSING by Tony “Jaffa” Pugh
For some reason, this seems to affect me more as a batsman than a bowler. Whenever I open the bowling, I aim for that channel that the Nabob keeps on about but I’m buggered if I can find it. Generally speaking, my stock ball nowadays is the leg side full toss which seems to unerringly find the middle of the bat. However, when I’m batting, I’m an expert on playing and missing since I can rarely lay the bat on the ball, though I can’t explain why. It’s not fair.

On the other hand, if you’re talking about the kids, just take ‘em down the local park and forget they’re with you.


32 – REVERSE SWING by Andy Willett
There’s nothing I like better on a Saturday afternoon than taking Jackson down to the park, and unlike Orange Tony, I’ve never lost him either. The local park’s great, there’s a seesaw, roundabout, one of those funny bikes on a big spring, Thomas the Tank Engine climbing frame, you name it. But I have to say, our favourite is when I put him on the swing backwards, wind up and let rip.

Oh, reverse swing with balls, well if it’s dodgy sexual activities with someone else’s missus, count me in mate.