DAVE THREADER’S MYSERIOUS NICKNAMES EXPLAINED

Staplefield is awash with nicknames for its various players - indeed you are never really a "member" until you've got 2 or 3.

And the champion of them all is the Nabob himself - Dave Threader. However, Dave has for some time had his own versions of nicknames that many struggled to understand - so regularly in STAPLE DIET he has been explaining his mysterious nicknames for us all - here we present the full archive as has appeared in print. These are simply in the order they were published ...

READ ON FOR DT'S ULTIMATE MONIKER MADNESS ........

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TONY PUGH – BAR CODE
This is a two-parter. Tony gives me the actor, Tony Curtis. He starred in the great film, Some Like It Hot. An iron is an extremely hot thing in the home. My home also includes iron bars - hence the bar. Pugh was a fireman in Trumpton. Trumpton was a great kids programme, but my favourite was Bod. There was a character in Bod called PC Copper. My favourite copper is Inspector Morse. Morse leads me to Morse Code. Put the two together - Bar Code.

RAY FUNNELL - OILY
A funnel was something you used to use at school in science class. My fave subject at school was French lessons, obviously. My french work was marked with alot of crosses, as I got it all wrong - too busy fantasising about the babe of a teacher. When you get cross, you get angry, and I usually lose my rag as a result. Rag leads me to oily rag, so Oily is an obvious nickname for Ray.

RON JOHNSON - OGF
Someone told me they thought this stood for Old Grey Fox. How far you could be from the truth ! Ron once scored six leg byes off his cap. My favourite type of cap is a Dutch Cap. Holland is famous for its dykes. Valerie Singleton is a famous dyke who once worked on Blue Peter. John Noakes used to work on that and he was a right plonker. My own plonker is Old, Grey and Floppy (OGF). Hence the nickname for Ron.

PAUL SHRUBB - YULE
Paul is tall-ish and blond and likes a tipple. So do one or two Swedes that I know. Sweden is full of snow. Snow reminds me of Christmas. Christmas is also known as Yuletime, hence Yule.

JOHN KEMP - MARIO
Some people have said that this nickname is a result of a simple play on words with Mario Kemp-es, the Argentinian footballer from 1978. However, this is untrue. JK, John’s initials are nearly the same as JK (John) Lever, the Essex bowler. Lever is something that you pull, just like your plonker. That bloke off the BT ads, Bob Hoskins is a right plonker. Bob Hoskins played Super Mario in the film version of the kids’ cartoon character. Hence, Mario.

COLIN STEVENS - THE CLAW
Cat Stevens had the same initials obviously as Colin, and nearly the same name. He changed his name (Cat, not Colin) because he became a Muslim. So did Muhammad Ali from Cassius Clay. Clay is something that is used to mould cartoon characters like Wallace and Gromit and Morph. In my view, the best female cartoon character ever is Penelope Pitstop, what a babe. Penelope Pitstop was pursued by the Hooded Claw. Hence, The Claw.

BOB WHITE - BUCKETS
Bob used to be a football coach, or something. Coaches have by law to carry seatbelts these days. A belt is something that is crucially used by weightlifters these days. One of their lifts is called the snatch, which reminds me of a rather nice part of the female anatomy that reminds me of muff diving. Diving is something you do by the seaside, where there is plenty of sand. What else do you put sand into at the seaside but buckets !

MARK SHRUBB - HERB
Not the obvious one (Herb - Herbaceous shrub). Mark was once known as Captain Fireworks (until recently). Catherine Wheels are a type of firework. Catherine was the name of a girl I used to know who gave me the horn. The horn is also a brass instrument of the same family as the trumpet. My favourite trumpet player is Herb Alpert. Hence, the nickname, Herb.

EDDIE PARKER - STEADY EDDIE
Eddie jets all around the world on a regular basis. The Jets are the name of an American Football team in New York. The other team in New York are called the Giants. The opposite of giants are dwarves. Leprechauns are a type of dwarf and they come from Ireland. Ireland’s football team used to be managed by Jack Charlton. Eddie Charlton was a great snooker player of the 1970’s. He was known as “Steady Eddie”, hence the nickname for our Eddie.

PETER BRADBURY - BRAD
Most people think this is just an abbreviation of the surname, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. As we all know, Pete plays the guitar. The guitar is a musical instrument and wasn’t it Shakespeare who said “If music be the food of love, get out thy instrument.” In tennis, love means nought which is round, and when I was a young man, I used to love popping round to my next door neighbour, an older woman who used to let me play with her large breasts. She explained to me that her large breasts meant she had to buy Bra size D, hence Brad.

WINSTON SCOTT - WHINNY
I know you’re tempted to think this is a straightforward abbreviation of the first name, but don’t be fooled. The origins of this nickname are much more complex. Winston, of course, originates from the Caribbean. Some years ago, I was fortunate enough to be able to holiday in Jamaica, where I was struck by the gorgeous scenery, particular on the topless beaches I visited on a regular basis. Mark Shrubb is nowadays walking out with former Page 3 girl, Samantha Fox. Mark’s previous girlfriend was very fond of horses and everybody knows that the noise a horse makes, particular when it’s excited is called a “whinny”,
so there you have it. Incidentally, a whinny was the sort of noise made by the hairy cornflake recently when he was dismissed for 0 caught slip bowled horsebox.

NICK KNIGHT - LOLLIPOP
More than just a passing reference to his favourite implement for tempting schoolgirls into his lair. Life is seldom that straightforward, malheureusement. Nick works in insurance, or something, and its always been my policy with women to treat ‘em mean to keep ‘em keen. Diane Keen was a favourite TV star of mine, what a foxy lady, and she appeared in some coffee commercials with that Gareth Hunt. Gareth Hunt is cockney rhyming slang for the word the Reverend uses for Winston Scott when he is fielding off his bowling. All Scotsmen are tight with their money. One common word for money is lolly - hence the nickname Lollipop.

STEVE BARKER - GAPPY
It is common belief that Monsieur Le Chaise-homme received his “appelation familial” dans le tour de Weston in reference to his piecemeal dental work, caused, as I understand it, by his pathological fear of dentists. However, life is never that simple, well certainly not with David O Threader, anyway. As you well know, I have many strings to my longbow and one of these is my unusual, esoteric some might say, guitar playing. Well, let me tell you, my music has melted many a maiden’s bedroom resistance. As well as ‘Streets of London’, my usual “piece de least resistance”, ‘Young Girl’ by Gary Puckett and the Union Gap has often been a show-starter. It is well known that Steve is a bit of a lefty trade unionist so it just had to be Gappy.

IAN “MAD FRANKIE” FRASER
It would be an easy mistake to make to think that the nickname is just a reference to the infamous East End villain. That would just be too easy. Fraser was a character in the 70’s hit comedy, ‘Dad’s Army’. Army leads me to
Army & Navy, a big department store next to “Mad House” on Egham High Street, hence the “Mad”. Fraser also rhymes with “blazer”, which is what I had to wear to school. My favourite subject at school was Algebra. Algebra leads me to Al, which leads me to Al Pacino. My fave Al Pacino film is ‘Frankie & Johnny’, hence the “Frankie”. And there you have it – Ian “Mad Frankie”
Fraser.

MO SMEAR
Because Smear sounds like Sear, and because he smears shots to all corners of the ground? I’m afraid not. “Mo” gets me to Mo-Jo, my favourite childrens chewy sweet except for Black Jacks. B Jacks stands for Brian Jacks the legendary ‘Superstars’ champion and judo expert. Judo is a form of fighting. A weapon used in fighting is a spear. Just change the “p” for an “m” and hey presto, Mo Smear.

ANDREW “CHEWBACCA” WILLETT
You might think its because he’s a 7ft tall hairy beast and because he is a wickie, which sounds like wookie. Not a chance. Willett leads me to “Willy” which is a rude word. Another rude word is “prostitute”. I went to see a prostitute in 1938 and she charged me 2 shillings to “chew back her flaps”, hence Chewbacca.

GREG “PACK OF 3” CONDON
Greg is short for “Gregory’s Girl”, a nice film which I like. It starred Clive Sinclair who also invented the C5. “C” is the 3rd letter of the alphabet, hence the “3”. “5” represents the number of salt & vinegar flavoured crisps
in a Tescos selection “pack of” variety crisps. Run that lot through my nickname computer and you get “Pack of 3”.

PETER WALSH – TASHEY
This obviously isn’t as straight forward as scousers being associated with Tashes. Walsh is the language of Wales. Whales are big and so was my first girlfriend. To get her into my flat for a night of rumpy bumpy, I had to grease up her thighs and throw in a Mars Bar. Mars Bars used to cost 25p, which is how much I paid for my first cricket bat. I once saw a bat flying around with something stuck to its mouth. It looked like it had a tash! Quite obviously, “Tashey” seemed the perfect nickname choice.

DARREN KIRKHAM – FAT ARSE
He’s got a fat arse.

LEE CLARKE – LEEK LARK
Someone said to me, “you’ve just moved the first letter of his surname to the end of his first name”. Fool. Clarke’s are a brand of shoe. Shoes are what you wear on your feet. My greatest feat of the sixties was scoring 3 not out against a Welsh touring side. And that is precisely where the “Leek” comes from.
Lee is cockney rhyming slang for pee, as in “excuse me ladies, I’m just going for a Lee” or “Can I have a Lee please Bob”. I have a criminal record for urinating in a public place. It was Tilgate Park - Cockney rhyming slang for Lark …… Leek Lark, get it?

BRIAN MCCARTHY - POPS
Again, simpletons would merely assume that this nickname is due to Brian being the father of another one-time player, Shaun, and that he is among the older of our band of players. Nothing could be further from the truth (as I’m sure you’re
starting to see). Brian is an Aussie, from a place sometimes known as “Down Under”. This was the name of a hit song by a group called “Men at Work”. The last full-time work I did was selling copies of the kama sutra door-to-door in the Croydon area, back in the swinging sixties. Swinging at the ball is something that many of you will remember that I didn’t do, during one of the champagne moments of my career – that last over against Ditchling in the Village Cup, many years ago. Now what noise does a champagne cork make when you open it? Of course, it “pops”. QED.

JAMIE BRADBURY - FRAPPER
No, its not that. Although there is a connection. As you know, my garage is full to the rafters with the back catalogues of Razzle, Seventies Snatch and Horses Do It Best. It’s the ideal place to get away from it all and settle down to a quiet 5 digit disco. This reminds me of Gary Ireland and his mobile disco. My son has a mobile phone. Someone made me laugh once when they said, “D.T. phone home”. We’re playing at home on Saturday. Saturday Night Fever. The Bee Gees. John Hibberd. 50 not out. Oh sod it, who am I kidding? It is exactly what you think.

ROSHAN “ROCKET” PATEL
It’s natural, I suppose, that everyone thinks this is just a couplet on Roshan, especially as it seemed Roshan was about to make his club debut last season without an appropriate ‘nom de plume’ as my dear old gran used to say (or was it
Christian, I forget nowadays). But of course, nothing could be further from the truth. From the moment I persuaded Roshan to turn out for me (last thing Friday night of course), my fervoured imagination would not rest until I had done the business, nickname-wise.

And as is often the case, it’s a two-parter. Roshan, as we all know, comes from India or Pakistan or somewhere like that, a region which is known as the subcontinent. People of my age are often incontinent, and speaking of age reminds me of the time on last season’s tour when Bradders bribed some aging old geezer on Bournemouth pier to lie about his age. PB Tits, as we all know, plays in a dodgy rock band, and that’s where the “rock” comes from. The second part is a little more complex. Roshan’s bowling is a little like Christian’s, in that he gets a lucky wicket or two, things go to his head, and before you
can say “knitting wool”, he’s getting carted all over the place. Christian is,
by a big margin, BT’s best customer and you will remember that the current round of appalling BT adverts feature that loveable film alien ET. So add the two parts together and there you have it. Roshan “Etrock” Patel.

MICK LEE – FANTASY FIDDLER
No, once more nothing to do with the obvious – the diminutive one’s ability to fiddle the Fantasy League. This is, as you might have guessed, a two-parter. Micky is sometimes referred to by those with less imagination then myself as LadyBoycs, based on his penchant for Shemales. This obviously leads me very quickly to my favourite fantasy which is delivered in picture form by one of my favourite “garage” magazines – Fantasy Chickboys – a well-thumbed edition. That’s the first half. The second part is obvious to me anyway. Micky is also occasionally, when he is able rarely to stay in long enough, referred to as the “Rock”. The Rock is one of the world’s leading wrestlers within WWF – and his main current rival is Stone Cold Steve Austin. Steve Austin was the name of the character in the Bionic Man. Staplefield’s own Bionic Man is Bob White, who
claims once to have coached Gareth Southgate, who plays for my current favourite football team, Aston Villa. One of the most famous celebrity fans of Villa is the violinist, Nigel Kennedy. From him, we get Fiddler. Its obvious.

MARTIN “MINT” MURRAY
It’s not what you might think. I know there are Murray Mints, but my mind works differently. Martin reminds me of Martin Kemp, the Eastenders actor who used to be in Spandau Ballet. Now ballet gets me all flustered, when I think of the time back in ’72 - a group of 6 of us all dressed in tight pantyhose prancing around at Solstice. This reminds me of a photo set I saw last week from an ’87 copy of Club Magazine for men in my garage. Club reminds me of that strange sport golf. Now from Golf I think of Polo, a rather better value, if less sporty model of Volkswagen. And from Polo of course, all I can think of is
the mint. Hence the nickname, Mint. Obvious, Place de la Bastille.

PAUL CROUCHMAN – DR. CROUCH
Because he’s a Doctor and Crouch is an abbreviation of Crouchman ? Not a chance. Let me explain. The name “Paul” is the second name of a transvestite called Ru. I sometimes rue the day that I ever set foot in Croydon. Croydon contains the letter “r” and “d”. Simply spin them around, make the “d” a capital and there you have “Dr”. Now comes the tricky part. Paul is well known as being the King of Fashion within Staplefield Cricket Club. I am regularly seen sporting rather trendy tight white tennis shorts. Sadly, after 35 years of wear, a hole has appeared in the crotch. The other week, a small dog (she
was about 4’ 8”) bit me through my gaping hole. “Ouch!” I exclaimed. Take a little piece of crotch and a little piece of ouch ……. got it yet?

LIZ CROUCHMAN - LIZZIE
Just a case of lengthening Liz? (Oooh, I’d like Liz to lengthen me!) …... not that easy I’m afraid. Liz likes to hug our bowlers after they take a wicket. Huggy Bear was my favourite character in Starskey & Hutch. A hutch is a rabbits house. House is a word shouted out in Bingo Halls. Halls make cough sweets. So do Tunes. I like cherry flavoured Tunes. I popped my cherry in 1939. This is also the year I started to go thin on top. Now where do I go from thin? Easy …. Thin Lizzie!


MARTIN MURRAY – MINT (AGAIN)
I know what you’re thinking. Don’t even go there. I’ll make the link as simple as I can:
Martin …. Sheen …. polish …. Polish …. invasion …. 1939 …. cherry pop …. fizzy drink …. sherbet …. dib-dab …. cab …. taxi …. biscuit …. food …. lunch …. dinner …. after dinner …. MINT …. See?


MARK SHRUBB – FOSTERS LAPPER
Most people will rush to the obvious conclusion that this is a tribute to the skiddy one’s roomie on last year’s tour. The fools. Likewise, those who might be tempted to change the context by moving the “s” would be equally stupid since
in my opinion, Ms Foster is ‘Une petite d’une babe’, n’est ce pas?
No, this is a two-parter, and the first part obviously relates to Skiddy’s role as social secretary in which his role is to develop - or foster! - better relationships between members of the club who don’t communicate much - Christian and I for example.
The second part refers to one of Shrubb snr’s more memorable pre-Jane events when he attempted to depilate a predecessor’s nether regions armed only with a stick of moist, well-chewed Wrigleys. She quite rightly took umbrage and gave him a well-deserved slap, hence slapper. It’s so obvious once you know, isn’t it?

KEVIN MOORMAN - AMBRESOLIONELBLAIR
The temptation here is to assume that this name is derived from a mixture of a well known suncream, reflecting Kev’s new tour role and his nickname from last year - Lionel - a tribute to those dancing feet. Malheureusement, wide of the mark mes amis.
Those on last year’s tour will remember only too well the drinking sub-committee consisting of Kev, Brian and Cliff and their addiction to an early morning pint or two of Foster’s - the amber nectar. The first part is an act of homage to this and reflects the fact that Brian is an Aussie and therefore is obviously as thick as pigshit in a bottle on a frosty morning so can’t spell to save his life, hence Ambre.
Sol - Kev has in the past captained a team containing both PB Tits and Gazza. The drummer in PB’s band is an avid Spurs fan whilst the hairy one is a diehard Gunner. And we all know which Campbell has just taken the shekels, don’t we?
Moving on, Kev has many characteristics which place him in the stratum of society which we would call a rebel - what we used to call in the sixties, a free radical. In chemistry, a free radical is also known as an ion.
The next part - elb - reflects the state of Kev’s love life. Every women he has ever approached has always given him the elbow. But Kev is one who is unhurt by love’s rejection - hence no ‘ow’, just elb.
And finally, we all know Kev’s pretty lairy when he’s had a few - lair.
There, I think that’s pretty straightforward isn’t it- Ambre Sol-ion-elb-lair.

MICK LEE – JACKED-OFF
It’s easy to commit the sin of assumption, isn’t it? And I know most of you will be thinking, Mick’s got a new girlie, her name’s Jackie, etc etc. You stupid morons. As always, my reasoning and connection logic is plus complexment.
We all know that Mick has lead a solitary life of late and has become addicted to reruns of old comedy shows, none more so than the Ed Sullivan Show and the Jack Dee show. However, Mick has never been one to wear the trousers I think you’d all agree. Jackie has, of course and Mick’s doing as he’s told. Naturally, the first thing any woman will do is try and deprive you of your creature comforts, and the first words issued when she enters the Dorking love nest are “Jack, Ed, off”!

JAMES DERMOTT - BRUCE
Because he’s from New Zealand? Partly, but not entirely. I went to a rather posh school in Blackboys where we didn’t have a gym, we had a ‘James’ (tee hee hee). ‘James’ Bolam was in The Likely Lads. I’ve always wanted to smell the honey sweet aromas that wafted from the nether regions of Cheryl ‘Ladd’. Cheryl leads me to Cheryl Baker who was in Bucks Fizz. Bucks Fizz is made up of orange juice and Champagne. Champagne has bubbles in it. Bubbles was a monkey that attracted rather too much physical attention from Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson sings and so does Shirley Bassey. Shirley Bassey was the top of the bill performer at the Royal Variety Performance 1992. And who was the host? Bruce Forsyth. Nice to nickname you, to nickname you nice.

JASON VORSTER - ZIM
A shortening of his Father Land? I don’t think so. When I hear ‘Jason’, I immediately think of the crap one from Take That, Jason Orange. Oranges can often be found wedged on the end of Tony Pugh’s knob. Knob, believe it or not, leads me to butter. Butter to sandwich. Sandwich to a golf course. Golf is a popular pastime for retired folk. And well, bless my sole, what do the elderly often need to help them get around? A Zimmer-frame. Now you can do your shortening ….

STEVE MILLER - WINDY
Stop right there, I know what you’re thinking and its not that. Lets take each step slowly. Firstly, Steve gets me straight away to Steve McQueen. McQueen conjures up images of a sort of Scottish Tony Coleman. The obvious link from Coleman is mustard. Mustard is hot, just like Barbados or a curry. Just ask Christine what the bedroom is like the morning after I’ve eaten a Lamb Boona the night before. Bingo.

STEVE FULLER - SNAGS
Not as straight forward as many of my nicknames this one. Fullers make bitter. Bitter is a form of beer. Beer, naturally, leads you to barmaids. Grrrrrr. Traditional barmaids are buxom and easy …. especially around South East London. However, ‘Some Never Agree 2 Group Sex’. Now, if you are up on your acronyms, you can easily spot exactly why I have given Steve this nickname.

BOB FULLER - KIRSTIE
This one is very simple. Bob obviously takes you to “Bob’s Full House”. I have a full house whenMadeleine & Christian come to stay. You can’t think of Christian without thinking of raw chicken. Chicken brings me to breasts. Breasts make me think of yoghurt and honey. This brings me swiftly to home made videos. And who is the host of the home made video show on Sky One? Yep.

AND FINALLY .....

YOURS TRULY, THE NABOB

This is of course, the most famous and revered nickname in the club. Many people are under the impression that this nickname originated during the famous Isle of Wight tour of ’95 - 1895 that is of course.

Members will remember (there may be one or two who don’t know this episode of club history, I suppose) there was a veritable orgy of Threader nicknaming on this tour - ie Prince of Pulling, Sultan of Seduction, Wizard of Wanging, Father of Fornication, etc. However, as rumour and legend has it, the boys stumbled over finding a couplet for the letter “N”. Finally the Nabob (sic) of Nookie was proposed, clearly by ‘un membre malapropic ou stupid, n’est’
ce pas?’ since the correct word is Nawab. However, given the low average IQ of Staplefield, even by cricket club standards, no-one has ever questioned the above derivation.

However, after years of allowing this lie to fester, my guilty conscience will stand it no more And I must come clean. The above story is just that, a story invented by moi to conceal one of the more shameful episodes of my past. But now I want to make a clean breast of things.

The real origin of the Nabob nickname lies buried in time, from my youthful days when Pike wasn’t even a gleam in my eye (he still isn’t - ED). As many of you know, I have very strong connections with the town of Croydon and in those dim and distant days, the selection of attractive young women in Blackboys was very restricted. However, my parents sent me on a shopping trip to Croydon. I entered the hallowed portals of C & A and came face to face with a vision in white - well, a white shop assistant’s overall, in fact. Yes - it was Christine.

As luck would have it, she asked me what I wanted, and before I could help myself, I blurted out “Something in white”. She asked me if I wanted the cricket section and offered to serve me there.

As I pulled on my first pair of whites, in the confines of the changing room, I knew she was The girl for me. Daringly, I asked her if she would like to come to watch me play cricket the next weekend and to my unconfined joy she agreed. I then did my zip up.

My only problem was that I didn’t have a cricket team to play for, but that’s never stopped the Hipster God of Love. I contacted the Blackboys captain and begged him for a game the following Sunday. He said he couldn’t give me a game, but that they were playing at Staplefield who were always short and would be certain to give me a game, even if I was completely useless. Excitedly, I rang Christine that evening and arranged to meet her at Staplefield.

The following Sunday turned into one of the most humiliating moments of my life. I had just been introduced to the Staplefield captain, Ron Johnson, when Christine arrived. With her by my side, Ron asked me if I could bat. “Er, not really” I replied. “You’d better open the bowling then” said Ron. Imagine my
horror when after my first over I was taken off with figures of 1-0-37-0 including 9 wides. At the end of the game, I went to see Christine. She looked me up and down and said those immortal words that have haunted me ever since “Not A Batsman Or Bowler then, are you” - hence Nabob.

Needless to say I’ve never taken her to another game since.